I want my family back!

[Calliope]

Tough weekend. I sent him an email on Friday night telling him that I did not want to meet Saturday to discuss the D. That I would much rather do everything through my attorney. As long as he was ok with the temporary payment arrangements that I had sent him, that there was nothing to talk about, and if he could send me his financial forms, I'd have my atty start writing things up. I also asked that he please get back to me with the times that he is getting and returning the boys on Sat so that I could plan my day. I never heard from him the next morning, so I was getting ready to take my 2yo out for a drive so he could fall asleep before soccer. Well he comes barreling down the driveway with his trailer attached to his car. I'm in my robe, trying to get ready to leave and he says "we need to talk, I need to know whats going on with you".. so I go outside, because the kids and my parents were in the house. I tried to stay calm, and simply said that I am much more comfortable doing it this way, that I don't want to deal with the emotions of trying to work with him. He flipped. Talking about how he was trying to do this the right way. How now he has to go back and get the lawyer again, how this isn't the best option for the boys, because now he'll be in a bad mood again and its not good for his time with the boys. Oh, started off saying "we ARE getting this divorce, I'm DONE with you" Like he had to convice me that he was through with me. Somebody must have put it in his head that I was doing this to try and get him back. He said the email upset him so much that he couldnt sleep, and how dare I do that to him on his birthday! He started being unreasonable again about things. I dont remember everything that was said (I unfortunately was so frazzled) but I do remember that he kept trying to make it out like he was being such a good guy last week, how he poured his heart out to me, and why can't things be ok now. I did respond by saying, yes, I appreciate the fact that you had changed, but I am still looking at the big picture, and in the big picture, you still left your family for an OW.... He flipped again, how it was my fault for the D, how if I had been a good wife, he would have never been looking for anyone else.. etc.. UGH, this is why I wanted counseling. Neither one of us can get past this blame. When he is reasonable, he admits that he should have told me how unhappy he was. When he's this way, its all my fault.

He started pulling out the paperwork and saying "I dont understand why we cant try to talk about this" I said, what would be any different than the 2 times we tried to do it at mediation? I am doing what is best for me, and what is best for me is to not sit down with you. I did however, finally give in a bit after he just wouldnt stop. He asked what I wanted for child support (that was what he always argued, even though it is a set formula from the court). So I told him what I wanted, and he said "fine, you can have that" (So obviously he's prepared to do whatever it takes to get this thing over as soon as possible). We didnt do the sit down that he wanted, but he did stay for a while and loaded up his trailer with stuff (he said he didnt know if I was going to throw some temporary order at him to get his stuff out of the house.. silly). He gave me the financial form, and told me to find out how long it would take. (again, big rush for him). Oh, but at one point, I told him that I needed him to watch the kids a few days for various medical appts that I have. He knows that I am worried about losing my insurance coverage through him (my job is contract based and I wont get good insurance). He said something like "If you need to take care of medical things, we'll drag this out until everything is done... It will probably screw my life up, but we will". So anyway, not like I needed confirmation, but its so clear why he is behaving like this.

So the rest of the day was a mess. He wanted to skip soccer so he could take them apple picking (with the OW and her girls). I told him that S was looking forward to soccer, and that S2 needed his nap. He endd up taking them out a bit early from soccer so he could still do the apple picking, then he said he was bringing them back at 5 (he usually has them till 8) because he had something he had to do. I was angry about that. We argued about it a bit at soccer, and then I texted him saying that I would appreciate if the few days he had the boys, he would make them his priority. He texted back that he would drop them off at 8. (often I think he struggles with what the OW wants, and what he knows is right, because when I call him on it, he often backs down pretty quickly)

He brought them back at 8. I was dressed and ready to go out (my parents were there to watch the boys). We got along fine. As he left, he said 'be careful' (because he could tell I was going out)

So, I'm not completely proud of how I acted, but I don't think he'll ask to sit down and talk with me anymore. I know he is going to keep asking me about the lawyer, and keep asking me about the house being listed, and will get on my case if they are not done in the speed that he things they should be. How should I respond to these?

Also, I find it so hard to go dark/dim because of issues with the boys. Should I have let him bring them home at 5, even though it was completely wrong? I hated having to text him for that. If I am not happy with something he is doing regarding the boys, should I say something, or let them slide? For example, I do not like that my 4yo is using the OWs daughter's booster seat when they all go out together. I am a firm believer in keeping kids harnessed as long as possible. H knows that, but put him in the backless booster anyway. My blood boils just thinking about it. Do I let it slide? He's not breaking the law, but it is so against my wishes.