It's MY life now!!!........

[SoCo]

Hey SC! Just stopping by. Ewww, I hope your son steers clear of that stuff. Isn't it scary? Glad u got ur ring back.

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, S18 moved back home last weekend.... so far so good. He says he was not involved in anything illegal with his "friends" (other than doing a few substances he shouldn't be doing, which he says he is not doing now).

He says that he still wants to drink now and again (which I am of course adamantly against as he is under-age, and alcoholism has been an issue in my family). But, I am trying to choose my battles and be there for him, and hopefully he will come to these important conclusions on his own..... since he won't listen to me.

This weekend, he and a friend went up to dream property with H for a "guys weekend". I am very glad that he is doing that. He has not spent any quality time with STBXH in some time, and I think they both desperately need that.

STBXH hired my brother and step-dad to work for him this week. During our communications, STBXH has been much more talkative....mostly about work stuff and things he is planning at the dream property and stuff...... I think he is loosening up because he finally maybe believes that I have really let go.

It's funny, but not so long ago, I would have seen his recent behavior as reason for hope for reconcilation...... now, if anything, the idea that that might be the case actually worries me..... because I don't know if I would have the strength to say no, and I don't think I could ever be happy with STBXH......

On a sad note, it looks like we are loosing our C. He is moving to Idaho. That really sucks because I would have really liked for him to be there for S18 in the next few months..... and I am not really ready to stop C, although I know I will be OK. The 18 months of history we (H, S18 & me) have with this C is not something that can be duplicated elsewhere.

But, S18 and I did both have a session this week and will have a final session next week. I had thought about asking STBXH if he would have a session with me before C leaves.... but that is just old residual feelings that are getting less all the time now, and there is really nothing to be gained in doing that.

One of my dance friends is really into volunteer work for animals and has invited me to join, so I am going to start doing that. I have always been an animal lover......ok that doesn't sound right, but you know what I mean....

Have a dance to go to tomorrow night.....

Getting more and more of life........

[Silent Chrleader]

I really hate that I can be moving along, feeling pretty good and like I can finally see a light at the end of this tunnel I have been in for the past couple years, and then I wake up one morning and all I can think about is how much I miss my STBXH and why did he have to just drop me and our whole life together without even an explanation or trying to work on it!!

I will never, ever, understand it...... and I am so sick of feeling this way!! I sometimes think that I must be a very sick individual to still have these feelings for someone who doesn't want me and never really appreciated me......

Went out dancing last night, and then out for drinks and dessert with some friends after. Didn't get home til past midnight. Have plans to go out dancing with friends again next Saturday. Also, am going to get into some volunteer work for animals with a friend from dancing. It's all good.....I'm building a life for myself..... so why do I feel so crappy today??

I hate this.......

[Twink]

I really hate that I can be moving along, feeling pretty good and like I can finally see a light at the end of this tunnel I have been in for the past couple years, and then I wake up one morning and all I can think about is how much I miss my STBXH and why did he have to just drop me and our whole life together without even an explanation or trying to work on it!!

I will never, ever, understand it...... and I am so sick of feeling this way!!

SC, I can SO relate! The exact same thing happens to me, and I know it is keeping me down and holding me back. The lack of an explanation is the biggest problem for me. I wish I knew how to stop this thinking, or even how to move through it.

I hate this, too. I wish I had some help for you. Just know that you are not alone.

[dl443322]

Hey S, you feel the way you do because you have a long history with your h. He is the father of your children and the person you thought you were going to be spending the rest of your life with. Why wouldnt you be feeling like you do?

Dont be so hard on yourself. You are in the grieving process and it takes as long as it takes. You have to walk through all the steps in order to get through to the other side.

And I think we will always have bittersweet feelings towards our h's. Time will dull them, but, they will never be gone completely.

So, feel them, let them wash over you and then get back to living.

Try to let go of trying to understand how your h can do this. You will make yourself crazy trying to "get" something that makes no sense.

It is what it is.

Good for you getting into the dancing.

One day these feelings will be a small, dull ache instead of a sharp pain.

That is what I wish for you, my friend.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you so much, (((BM and Twink))), for your understanding, support and encouragement. I really needed it! I'm pretty sure this mood crash I've had the last few days has to do with hormones (Yay, perimenopaus!! )

And the fact that I am loosing my C who has been with me throughout this whole thing, is weighing heavily on me. Nobody in my "real life" seems to understand how hard this all is for me. They all say how great I am doing, and mostly I am proud of myself and know that I will eventually "get there"..... But, if I have a bad day and call my family/friends, I feel like they don't see it as a "bad day"...... they see it as I'm "still not getting over it already".

I was thinking today that I really would love to be able to talk to my Dad right now. He and my mom split after 30 years of M. Til the day he died 4 years ago, he still didn't know why she left, and she swears he "threw her out". My dad was a hard-a** Marine and never showed his feelings, but I remember him calling me at 2am crying because he missed her so. He never dated anyone else, and continued to pay her alimony right up until he died, even though she had re-married 6 years before that. Don't get me wrong.....my dad was no saint, and I understand why my mom left...... but he tried to be an honorable man, and do the right thing. And I think I could have used his support and understanding right now....

You're right, BM, time to get back to living.....

[glamgirl]

Thanks for the chat tonight SC. We will get through this.

BM is right back to living. I guess that is what we do best.

[Silent Chrleader]

Yes, we will get through it, glam! With the help of a few friends along the way if we are lucky!

(((((hugs)))))

[peacetoday]

SC
Yes living
you seem like you have crsted an oulet for fun and social activities
that is great and helps so much
It is not an easy road and it seems the hurt and pain linger far longer than we would like and many will not get it unless they have traveled the road too
peace

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, (((peace))).

Yes, it is a long road and I get so frustrated with myself sometimes and I wish I could find the switch to turn off these feelings, but then I realize that if I could do that then I would never have the joy of really knowing love and I think that is what makes life worthwhile! It's worth it I think, in spite of the pain.

I called STBXH tonight to touch base about a couple of financial issues. We ended up talking for over an hour, which was very unusual. But I didn't do any R talk (which is a huge thing for me especially in the emotional state I've been in the past few days).

He talked about his recent Dr visit (cholesterol, blood sugar, medications......) I just listened and gave my opinions. I told him I liked the naturepath I have been seeing and maybe he should try that. He said she would just tell him he was wrong to be drinking a bottle of wine a day.....

He talked about what he has been doing up at the dream property and his plans for getting the work done here on my house. Said he didn't want me to think that he was doing everything up there and disregarding me, and that he really will get the work done eventually. I told him I really appreciated that.

He also said his GF has been gone a lot on business and he's been alone a lot. Working all the time.....in fact it was 8pm when I talked to him and he was still at work.

We talked about S18 and how things are going with him and the talks they had this past weekend up at the dream property.

It's so strange and sad. I don't want the hard drinking workaholic man he is...... but I do still love him and I know I always will. I truly have let him go with love..... and I am happy and content with that decision...... but it still hurts and I miss him.

S18 and I have our final sessions with C tomorrow. I told STBXH about that and said that I had thought about inviting him for a session about "closure", but wasn't sure he would want that. He actually said he would have gone but had other commitments now at work, but asked me for C's number and said he might try to get a session for just himself at the end of the day if possible.

I know I have an awful lot to be thankful for in my sitch..... and I am thankful. I really am. But it still hurts.