Truth be known, GAL has never been big on my agenda and now that I feel a bit forced in to it, it's even less appealing. Due to the isolation of where I live, there's precious here anyhow. Granted that I could find something but I feel that you have to have some drive to do so and I feel to grief stricken right now to get out of my own way. (I know, big pity party).
Added to the insecurities re money and lack of people to do anything with, I am a bit of a sad sack. H and I just used to love going out on picnics and talking .. watching nature, spending time with one another ... there was never any time, or need for anything else.
I have counted the hours this weekend and when I stop and see that H has flown interstate (and will hopefully be on his way back tonight), you have been on your riding course, Cas has been walking on the beach and who knows what Oz has been up to, I feel ashamed that all I have done is sat here (after mowing the lawns) and hopped back and forth between the site and my email accounts - refreshing and refreshing to see who's around. How pathetic and shabby a life is that? Gets me to thinking that I should come home - at least I would have a little more than this but then it's a big move to make as I know that I would not be any happier.
Yes, I would have friends and family but that's it. I would have to uproot the babies (and all the worry of them emigrating again) ship all my stuff, wait until the house were sold - and then end up in a shabby council flat - which I have always vowed that I would die first, before doing.
H is getting off lightly compared to all of this, isn't he? It's his mess. Why am I struggling to clean it all up and why do I have to find a new life for myself when all I want is him?
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
