UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Sanderika]

Nell,

I think I told you this before....here goes again,

My sitch started in August 2005. The 16th to be exact. It was not until January 3rd 2006, that our relationship took a different path. 4+ months!!!

In those 4 months my H went from hating my guts and adamant about a D, having gone to the county to get the papers and had them almost complete and filed, to reconsidering his choice. He stopped the D from going further at that time because he saw the changes I was making and recognized my hard work and could see that I was getting myself back to the person he fell in love with and my home back to the original place he enjoyed being in.

He didn't pursue a D for another 3 years after that. It was only then he did it to shut up the OW. The OW knows nothing of our continued relationship. This is the hard part. I have a hard time with this. She got him to file and he doesn't want to D me. He still can't come home and that is the MLC. His journey isn't over yet. Gucci and Stuck might think I am wacked, I do believe this. My H doesn't want to D me. He has postponed the proceedings three times now and with each passing day our relationship changes still.

I guess I could also say I don't care about the cake-eating. I am a rare bird. It has brought me and H closer. H is now more candid with me and he shares things with me he would have never in that beginning time. The only discussion off topic is the OW. I have told him she isn't human and has no place in my world now or ever. She has no name to me. He knows how I feel. He respects my reasons. I do overlook her, I have had to learn to.

Nell, all of this DB is learned behavior. You learn what works and what doesn't. This can only happen over time. This is unfair and very painful. This is when you muster all the strength and courage and patience you can. And just when you think you have all of it, you will need more. I am not kidding. This is not for the faint of heart. This can only be done when you truly believe standing will bring your H home. By believing so strongly your behaviors will refect your ideas and desires and H will notice the changes. You will live your changes until you become someone else. Not someone new, someone you were. The person H left is not the person you are meant to be. It is a journey for you and a humbling one at that. You will be a much better person after living this situation. Trust me.

H is not happy. H appears happy. Your H is a scared man right now. H does not want to be living this either. He does not fully understand why, he would deny this is a MLC. It's part of the problem. They are trying to figure out what they want. They are afraid to grow old. They are afraid of what they missed out on. They are afraid of responsibility. They are afraid of us. They are afraid of their future without us and the security of marriage. All sounds wierd, it's true. The problems are they can't stop the process. They need to experience the full MLC before they can come out of the fog. It will cause destruction, unfortunately they will not see that part until it is too late. They have to hit bottom before they can come back to the top. This will only happen by experiencing losses and consequences. NC can be viewed as a loss and consequence at the same time.

Your H is living in a selfish world. It is all about him right now. To break into that place of his, you need to be open to him. You need to be willing to be validating and concerned and forgive him his faults everyday. I always remember there is a fine line between love and hate. I love H and hate what he is doing. It won't make sense to everyone. It does to me. I wake everyday and forgive H for what he will do that day. Literally. By accepting his contact you are validating his existence and making him feel accepted in your world. A lot of MLC has to do with his ego and him feeling good.

Sometimes in DB things don't appear to be working and in reality they are. Our sitches are forefront in our H's minds just like in ours. They are thinking out all the possibilities and choices constantly. They are open to changes and are looking for them.

It is my opinion that H starts an argument before he leaves because it makes it easier for him to leave. You apparently feed right into it by offering a comeback to the argument and validating H's reason that he has to leave, therefore next time don't buy into it. Stand quiet and cute and sweet. Leave H with guilt for leaving not proof that he's right.

I have friends and family. I have cut off virtually all contact with family because they do not understand my choice and berate me for it. I have friends and they are supportive and at the same time do not understand this at all. I keep pretty quiet and only come here to talk about it. It is better all around for doing that. I do keep quite a bit bottled up and that is hard. I have a moment everyday that I cry. My decision to end the marriage in December is fine. I have travelled a long way. I was hoping to see some significant changes these past few months and have not. I have come to realize that nothing will change without something more/new. I cannot be H's wife any longer while he entertains OW. The tidbits aren't enough for me anymore. It has nothing to do with my feelings for H. I would take him back if he walked through the door right now. He won't. The choice is about simply accepting what is...is and accepting that there isn't enough room for me and son in H's world anymore. I did give it the good fight and a very honest, fair one at that. No one can argue that fact. I did it with grace and a calm patience that has taught me volumns about life.

Nell, you could very well find yourself in a D like me. I want you to totally understand that there are to be no expectations and your hard work may not bring your H completely home. I can say that it will create a better person in you and that your H will notice and your relationship will be different than it is now, it will be better and better is good. If it's better and good, you never know what can happen. Right now though it needs a great deal of improvement. Get working on improving. Keep the backslides at bay. You do that by being conscious of your every movement and word around H. You can do this. I learned how, so can you.

(((((Hugs)))))

Got to go watch the season premier of Desperate Housewives, it's the only show I follow. Then off to bed. I will try and post more to you. I am struggling like I said. This is rougher than I expected it would be.

Sanderika