UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Sanderika]

(((((Nell)))))

I have been awol for some time. For that I am sorry. I want to be here for others, it is very hard for me right now. It seems I need to detach from the topic as well as the marriage.

I have just spent my Sunday reading the last 8 or so pages of your last thread and all 44 of this one. You, my dear, are eyeball deep in the life we call "My H has left me and is having a full-blown MLC". In my reading of you over the past month I have to say it is all classic MLC stuff. Everything he is doing or not doing and everything you are doing or not doing and feeling or not feeling emotionally. Do not question any longer if this is a MLC - it is.

I am working on coming to grips with my decision. I want you to know that it doesn't really matter where in time we are in our sitch it is still a rollercoaster of emotions and choices. My days are up and then down. I am struggling to regain the self-esteem, strength, courage and independence that I had before this all started.

I again want to say I am sorry I went awol on ya.......Grab a bottle of wine or a hot pot of tea, this will be a long post.

The things I have learned are simple, take patience and time to absorb and are necessary for you and the DB process. They won't come easy and are hard to instill, nevertheless you must do them. (In some of my earlier posts to you I told you these)

NO CONTACT is absolutely necessary. Do not question your choice.

DO NOT contact H for any reason about the household chores/maintenance or car or bills or the kitties for that matter. Muster on your own....you can survive without his help. He does not want to be there he must learn a consequence. He has to own his choice.

I understand your bill arrangement and from what I can see he has kept his end of the bargain. No need to discuss the finances. With your new job, all will be fine through December. Keep looking for employment in case this job ends - the lady just might want to come back.

If you cannot do a specific chore or task find someone other than H to assist you. You need to prove you are independent without him. He doesn't need to know how you manage. Frankly in his MLC he doesn't care. People will be willing to help you and don't be afraid to tell them you are alone. They will keep an extra watchful eye on you and your place. You need this, don't let pride get in your way.

Take the car to a shop for the maintenance you can't do. You might even get a guy friend to help with some of that too.

If H misses the kitties so be it. His loss. His consequence and another choice he has to own.

I didn't like the advice your C gave you to write H a letter. I would advise you to write...if you feel the need, however DO NOT give it to H. H will not be appreciative, as he will take it as pursueing for sure. I will also go so far as to say.....it will anger him.

For me and others here, DB is not only about YOU and learning to regain your being and life back it is about (hopefully) reconciling with a loved one. A loved one who is so very precious to us. Reconciling a marriage which as a union is also so very precious to us. I, like you, take my marriage very seriously. I married my H and vowed til death do us part, in sickness and in health. I can't just turn my back on H, in his MLC. It is like a sickness. I also feel that our H's do not push D because in some way they too are taking their marriage very seriously. I understand that they can stop their behavior, sometimes I think they have to go through this MLC hell to do the growing up they didn't do as teens and young men. It is nothing that we are at fault for. It was going to happen regardless.

Gucci and Stuck would obviously disagree with my DB techniques. I do not believe they have been in vain. I did not set boundaries for my H. I needed to change and make sure H saw the changes and he has. H enjoys my company. I make sure I always greet and treat him well. I wanted to be the lighthouse in his storm and I have succeeded. They would call it cake-eating. Perhaps it is. My H and I would not be friends at all if I had chosen a different technique. My H is still in his MLC and he just might be one of those who will never come out. Only time will tell.

My goal was to change me. I did and I am happy with me.

My goal was to create a friendship with my H. I did and I am very happy we are friends.

My goal was to reconcile my marriage. I have chosen to accept what is...is and move on. It's not to say we can't someday re-unite. It will be something new. We have to learn what was is gone. Anything we can create from this will be new.

I firmly believe that your H needs to see you in a new comfortable light. He needs to see your changes. Backslides are inevitable. Don't beat yourself up over those. Your H is not completey done yet.

Honey, you do need to get your emotions in check. You must show H over time that he can trust you. He will not entertain the thought to return if he believes nothing has changed. After your last encounter, he was driven right back in the tunnel.

FORGET THE OW EXISTS. Learn to live with it. NEVER, EVER mention her to him. Live "as if" you could give a rats a$$ about her existence. Do not let on that she takes up any space in your world. It is better to ignore her existence on the planet even. Jealousy is ugly.

Good things that are taking place are:

H is putting money on the joint account.

H is not mentioning the house appraisal.

H showed a concern for the household chores even if he never gets to them.

H let his guard down and told you he was flu-ish. A sure sign he wanted comfort from you.

H was telling you of his job, etc.... They don't tell you anything when they are serious about ending the marriage.

H asks how you have been and the kitties, too. Ditto above.

I will take your word for it that the looks and body language were very "comfortable". Another sign that he was/is "thinking".

I frankly would answer all his calls and texts. I would not call him or text him for anything. I can think of no other way to rebuild a friendship. This way you are letting him come to you (Gucci and Stuck will approve) and you have backed off completely. Backing off creates wonder in them. They don't/won't let us get too far away. I think they do still love us they are merely looking for something different and trying to grow up. Contact when initiated by them can't hurt the sitch. I love my H too and for me to turn my back on him when he needs me would be cold and surely end any positive growth towards friendship. We cannot be married if we cannot be friends.

(((((Nell)))) I have been where you are and your sitch is still young. Please give it more time. Time will not have been wasted if you can say you did everything to patch things up with H. You just never know it might be just a matter of time and things will continue to improve. Your H is hurting for sure. Time does heal. You have been at this since May/June....4 short months. Give it the summer and then see what happens.

Try to be the greener grass and DB your little a$$ off. If you have given it a full year and it still looks the same take the next step towards separating for good. I am not an advocate of the amount of time I have spent. It has served me well. My result will still be a D. I am OK. I needed to do this. I own my choice. I spent the past four years coming to grips with a loss of a relationship of 30+ years. Loss of my lover, marriage, family and career. I could not have done it any other way. I needed the time to absorb and accept. I see you in me. You need to take some more time.

(((((Hugs, Nell)))))

Will try to check in more often, I am getting stronger and so will you.

Please take care. Lots of people are here for you.

Sanderika