What if the WAS and the LBS are BOTH different? Ed: What is the referent for "the other person" -- which other person are you talking about here?
I apologize, I should've applied a chronological setting - referring to "the other person" as the person you are forming a new relationship with. Speaking of She Who Farts Through Dinner - I had to laugh because I very nearly gave an example of how Jonf would've held a fart until it seeped through his pores on a first or even fifth date, but Mr.. Jonf, while perhaps not farting in Mrs. Jonf's general direction, would've felt no compunction to release in the general vicinity. Perhaps all marriages come down to farts?
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many if not most romances start with an illogical assumption that the other person is perfect Assuming facts not in evidence. But if you want to play with the idea, maybe ALL romances HAVE to start that way. You're not going to go on Date #2 with She Who Farted Through Dinner, now, are you?
I do generalize - and if playing with that idea, I would challenge anyone to find me a statistic that shows that the majority of participants in dates present an accurate picture of themselves. My point should have continued by pointing out that I believe that most relationships that fail is because this initial portrayal is believed by the "other person" (see above) to be the real deal, and the relationship, marriage, and happily ever after are built around this. Pardon me if my cynicism is showing. Is the marriage failure rate because of this?
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It is my contention that the wayward spouse returns in these cases because you finally shed the facade With all due respect, you're promoting (as is often done on the boards) a curiously uni-directional model here. Wayward "returns" because LBS "returned" to LBS's "true self."
Not promoting, wondering aloud, and my wondering is specifically because that is what most people on here seek: "What can I possibly do to convince my dear WAS to come back?". Perhaps flavored with my own experience - when I GALed, lost weight, became happy strong and satisfied, and my children shared with WAW that women were coming up on me, WAW initially lost it, and then started calling/texting/sending pictures, coming over, complimenting my buff and chiseled bod, inviting to dinner, all while continuing, though less fervently, an affair.
My changes, initially made for WAW, became for my benefit, my kids, and so on, and have become a part of who I am. The secondary, and most important part of this has to be, really, the fact that it was mostly uncovering who I used to be, along with a bit of fine-tuning to remove the nasty pieces picked up along the way. Tertiary, the changes were subtle, but long-lasting, and improved me as a person, not as Mrs. Jonf's husband. I did not whittle myself to match Mrs. Jonf, but rather to more accurately match the person that I SHOULD be. Or as @aliveandkicking said, "'Original self' + evolved and improved."
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What we have here is a strategic interaction in which both parties are engaged in (internet link) Bayesian updating. Each person is changing his/her beliefs (in lieu of probabilities) about the other in reaction to observable somethings in the other. ......................... (1) her next-round evaluation or (i) @JonF, (ii) the marriage itself, (iii) herself, and (iv) @JonF + marriage + herself, and
(2) @JonF's round-after-next-round evaluation of (1).
Which is probably why reconciliation is such a low-probability event.
So, let me run my thoughts by on this, and I will take the liberty of once again generalizing. I think that by the time that most would be DBers hit this board, the marriage/relationship as it existed on the blissful wedding day is a thing of the past, and chances of "saving the marriage" as it previously existed are fairly low. People do change, and grow, and interests change and mature, and the neglected marriage does indeed watch its participants grow apart - in my opinion, because of a lack of mutual discovery of new corners of life, and the joy of sharing in your partner's new discoveries. In essence a lack of maintenance has precipitated the DB exploration.
(EDIT: You preceded this point by your post to @hoosiermama about communication and maintenance!)
Thusly, to your comments, and my assumption that an original relationship is already 6-feet-under, the success of a new relationship and a round-by-round evaluation is necessarily dependent on the willingness and ability of said participants to both experiment and discover their interest in each other in the light of these changes, both good and bad. That's how I see the current status of the inimitable Mrs. SP - the first round looks pretty darned good based on Mr. SP's glorious rebirth, and so she is willing to take a few steps down the road, but not ready to sink back into wedded bliss.
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Neither person is "the same," so what you're really aiming at is a new marriage that just happens to have the same physical persons in it as before.
Reunited and it feels so good Reunited 'cause we understood There's one perfect fit And, sugar, this one is it We both are so excited 'cause we're reunited, hey, hey
