Today was a weird day. I discovered a couple of months I had been keeping myself emotionally involved in the relationship - mostly in my efforts to co-parent. However, when you're doing 80% of the parenting, it is not a very fruitful endeavor.
I had decided I was just going to 1.5 parents and live with it. I don't date on purpose, because of my vows of course, but mostly because my kids need me. Period.
This hit me super hard when D9 told me yesterday, "I wish Mom wouldn't date. OM has ruined everything. She used to do so much with us before he came along. I just wish this divorce would go away, and you guys would get back together." Sigh. I'm glad that she sees the difference, but its frustrating because I've known this for months, and I knew it would catch up with W at some point.
Well, again, I basically cut off communication. It was driving me into the ground to have D9 and S7 come home, and I'd literally have to start over with them. They would be whiny, disrespectful, etc - and I'd have to crack down on them really hard, and they'd finally stop doing it. It is incredibly draining to feel like you have to start over every weekend, and then I'm sure that W gets the benefits the next week.
Then, a night or so later, D9 would have these hour-long heartfelt discussions as to why God was allowing the divorce, why we couldn't be family, why "Mom can't see what a good person you are", and so on. Of course, I simply encourage her to share her feelings, let her know that we love her, and so on. It's difficult to explain free will choice to a 9 year old, precocious as she is. D9 even told me, "Can you pick where you want to live when you're 13? I want to live with you." Makes my heart break, although, I feel good that she wants to be with me.
So, W hasn't graced us with her presence in our home in probably 3 months, mostly because I make sure she has no reason to. S7 woke up with a fever, cough, runny nose, and sore throat, and she immediately wanted to come over and check on him. Keep in mind, I haven't seen her in person in probably 3 weeks, and maybe once in 2 months, again on purpose.
It was odd that when she came in, I felt very apathetic. I was cleaning, and just kept on cleaning. Felt no need to talk to her, and really no desire - a complete loss of respect really. Didn't want to even see her - not in a nasty, hate-her-guts, but sort of a "Why won't you just sign the dissolution, and go away?"
Really, my life is great - I am blessed, kids and I grow closer every day, we are doing cool/fun things, and we have great amazing talks as a family.
This is where I want to be. I went through the desperate save the marriage piece, the angry/disgusted/get away from me piece, and now am happily fulfilled in the place where I just want to love my kids, and live life.
