My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

You've gotten some pearls here. Don't be too quick to write them off. Re-read yours and look at other threads too...lots to be gleaned from them.

oooops. I got part way through and decided to scrap that post...only I obviously that was a fail!!

I agree A&K there has been some good advice here, especially for me.

I was also thinking about different vs. similar sitches. Many of the LBS here made mistakes in their marriages just like I did in leaving. I think thats what you were trying to communicate to me in one of your recent posts. My sitch is not that different at all. Coach will be proud

[aliveandkicking]

Yep, actually, in my case, I could see the value in us separating. 14 years together and we were both hurting. My problem was with the how and the why (he put it all on me). I would have been relatively cool with us agreeing to have a cooling off period and do it in a respectful and communicative fashion.

However, by the time one builds up the gumption to leave, he/she has built up so much resentment and hostility that there's little hope for objective, honest and respectful communication.

Sad.

[RedSoxFan]

Yep, actually, in my case, I could see the value in us separating. 14 years together and we were both hurting. My problem was with the how and the why (he put it all on me). I would have been relatively cool with us agreeing to have a cooling off period and do it in a respectful and communicative fashion.

However, by the time one builds up the gumption to leave, he/she has built up so much resentment and hostility that there's little hope for objective, honest and respectful communication.

I asked W for a separation/time away before the A even happened. We were in same place that you describe plus I was really depressed and probably MLC (my IC doesn't think MLC but I'm not sure). Anyway, W would not agree at all. I ended up in A and left She actually agreed to time away when I was leaving but I said screw it at that point (to your point about "resentment and hostility"). I've completely avoided putting blame on her for saying no but boy it has been hard some times. The only thing she has focused on was my leaving. For her she made that her deal breaker. She tells me she has abandonment issues...not sure what that means...sad fo sure

[aliveandkicking]

Hmmm...our sitches are actually quite similar. Interesting how that helps with diffusing resentment and helping me empathize. Thanks.

In truth, I don't think that H could have found the "right" way to separate. I hate the way it went down and he's been a real douche-bag but I think he just imploded.

[RedSoxFan]

In truth, I don't think that H could have found the "right" way to separate. I hate the way it went down and he's been a real douche-bag but I think he just imploded.

yah, I didn't know what I was asking for when I asked for time away. I just knew that I was on the brink of imploding or just losing it completely.

[Dia]

She tells me she has abandonment issues...not sure what that means...sad fo sure

This means that at some point in her life, someone important abandoned her big-time. Often this will have been a parent rather than someone like a friend of BF. So when she faces situations where someone important isn't 'there for her' now, it dredges up all of the feelings from before. The people and events get all mixed up together in her head and feelings. Additionally, this mean that when she reacts to a perceived abandonment now, she may react all out of proportion to what's actually going on.

Depending on how bad it was in the original sitch, feelings of abandonment can get triggered by something as small as her boss at work not being supportive enough. I say boss because typically this stuff arises with authority figures if the original sitch involved a parent, and with romantic partners or very close friends.

Does that help any?

[RedSoxFan]

She tells me she has abandonment issues...not sure what that means...sad fo sure

This means that at some point in her life, someone important abandoned her big-time. Often this will have been a parent rather than someone like a friend of BF. So when she faces situations where someone important isn't 'there for her' now, it dredges up all of the feelings from before. The people and events get all mixed up together in her head and feelings. Additionally, this mean that when she reacts to a perceived abandonment now, she may react all out of proportion to what's actually going on.

Depending on how bad it was in the original sitch, feelings of abandonment can get triggered by something as small as her boss at work not being supportive enough. I say boss because typically this stuff arises with authority figures if the original sitch involved a parent, and with romantic partners or very close friends.

Does that help any?

Thanks. That does help. I wonder if I'm the source of the abandonment issues from earlier in the marriage? Is that realistic?

[RedSoxFan]

Just got off the phone with W. Called to check up on D14, she's struggling with anger, self esteem and school. We had an incident last night that prompted some concern. We have IC set up for next week.

Not sure if I crossed the boundaries for detaching, pulling back or sitting still. During the call W was multitasking in the background and half engaging. Really pisses me off. I feel like a second class person right about now. The topic is very serious and important to me.

Makes me feel disrespected and belittled. I really want to tell her that I don't appreciate being treated what way. Actually I'd like to tell her to go screw herself. Arghh.

[hopeinwaiting]

You know, I wonder if I'd ever be able to truly forgive my H for "abandoning" his kids and me if he ever chooses to come back.

My dad left as a teen and I had a pretty strong stance that "men leave"... so much so that look what happened.... my man left.

The fact that my H slept with someone else... totally forgivable. The fact that my H gave his heart to someone else and put her before wife and children and LEFT.... hmmm, not sure (but still trying).

[RedSoxFan]

The fact that my H slept with someone else... totally forgivable. The fact that my H gave his heart to someone else and put her before wife and children and LEFT.... hmmm, not sure (but still trying).

That makes total sense.

When I told her I was leaving and she was arguing for me to stay she said she could let me go if I would tell her I didn't lover her. So I did. It was a lie so that I could get out. I never stopped loving her, ever. I left because I was in a crisis, I felt like I was going to explode. OW made it easier but that's not why I left. I know that in my heart. Still, W's experience is her reality and all she knew is that I left for OW and didn't love her.

I can't blame her at all. Biggest mistake of my life. With the consequences being the loss of my marriage and family.