given that perception is reality, how does one combat festering resentment after the almost inevitable slights of a marriage?
This is such a good question, and such an important one, that I hate the fact that the only response I have at the moment is such a cliche -- communication.
Let me back up a bit. What's wrong with marriage? Not the institution or the sacrament, but the "thing"?
It's hard, and no one ever TELLS you that it's hard. "She's The One," "you complete me" -- this bullsh*t has so completely over-romanticized what is, at the end of the day, a remarkable thing -- two strangers linking lives in pursuit of a common goal -- that we assume, and understandably I think, what with the romance-centric way we look at life, that it should be easy -- if we even articulate that much.
So wind it up and off it goes.
What we don't think much about -- even when we get it in that pre-marriage counseling (I mean, let's face it, yada yada that's never going to happen to us, we're Us!!) -- is the essential role of maintenance. (Which is, I think, a better term for "communication," as it captures a lot more of what needs to go on -- there's sexual maintenance, for example.)
It's in the maintenance that, cf @aliveandkicking, the "future" SP could have materialized as the "present" SP. But once one -- in my case, Mrs. SP -- decides that the transformative dynamic is not going to happen, one is denied the opportunity.
I write that not in a blameworthy, finger-pointing way, but simply as reflection (I'm sure there's a reciprocal for me, vis-a-vis Mrs. SP).
So there's really 2 questions here, and 2 responses (not "answers"), only 1 of which I think I'm in sight of:
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how does one combat festering resentment after the almost inevitable slights of a marriage
With respect to the Spouse, I think you just have to come out with it. Murder will out, after all. You just have to have the guts and the courage and the trust in the relationship to say, "Hey, that just pissed me off." If you hesitate, I think, as I so often did, it speaks to something missing -- either in yourself or the relationship or both.
As to stopping those feelings IN yourself....that I haven't a clue about. And one thing that makes it difficult for me to get focus on is that I believe -- really, I do -- that resentment isn't always a bad thing. I mean, if you've been slighted, then you DESERVE to feel that. So how does cope with the corrosive effects of resentment, especially over time, while still honoring the feeling?
