Changing Man

[Gardener]

Gima,

If you are a runner, set a goal to run a race at a distance you haven't done before. If you like the gym, start working out again. Set a goal to get back in top shape. Whatever you like, get back into it.

I am going to increase my hiking and I have a fairly well-equipped home gym that I've let gather dust for months (as I've lost weight and muscle mass!)

Start flirting whenever you have the chance. You won't feel like it at first, but after a while, and some positive reception from the opposite sex, you won't just think you are a good catch, you will start to believe it, and you will start to know it. Flirting doesn't have to lead to anything you aren't ready for, but it will do loads to boost your self confidence.

This is great (and speaking of home gyms, flirting is a "muscle" I haven't worked out in years, of course).

You and I are similar in that we both made the mistake to make our happiness depend on our W's moods. This is the making your M your whole life thing. There's another name for it - co-dependency. And, as much as it felt like our M's were supposed to have been the center of our universes, it is NOT healthy.
Think of it this way. Before your W became interested in you, you had certain qualities. I would bet one of those was a bit of cockiness/confidence. Over time, as the M evolves, we let that part go and basically sacrifice ourselves for the M. B/c this is what we were taught to do by family, friends, the outside world.

I think we get confused into thinking that giving ourselves up for the betterment of the M means we are to stop being an individual with hopes and dreams and interests seperate and apart from the M. Once we allow that to happen, then the stage is set for trouble b/c the person our W's fell for really isn't there anymore.

Yes and ouch. Gima, I'm quite an unselfish guy as I beleieve you are and I was very unselfish as a spouse. And I use unselfish here very consciously and deliberately because in the past I would invariably favor and use the word selfless. And that's what happened to me in the R, M & life in general: I became self less.

One of the books I read ("No More Mr. Nice Guy") really makes this point. If I haven't recommended it to you before, I am now. Hate to say it, but you and I were both "Nice Guys." And that connotation isn't exactly what you think. You have to read the book to understand, but you will.

I'll get it.

Gardener, I know you have the strength to pull through this. I've seen it before. You may have gotten knocked on your a$$ for the moment, but it's time to dust yourself off and get moving in a positive direction.

So, what's stopping you?

Nothing (wait, let me dust off all this 10 months worth of rollercoaster dust. There.) Nothing.

You, my friend, should be a DB TeleCoach.