Just Divorced.....Angst, Anger and Anticipation

[native]

Ex wife was sick all last week, and her new bf who lives about 30 min away apparantly did not visit much bc she did not want him or he did not want to get sick and miss work, as she explained to me.

I was not sure what to do. Whether to let her suffer through it alone, or to visit and do what I could to help.

I chose the latter, and found her appreciative of my efforts, but later in the week, after she got better she spent Saturday with new bf.

Now I am angry. I guess I thought I might get some brownie points for being available to her while she was sick...but it wasnt enough to matter.

Having a hard time knowing how to play this. I am not ready to really move on, keep hoping that she will have an epiphiny, but it doesnt ever happen.

Even though I know a lot of her decision to leave the marriage is due to her own issues, I still wonder if it is a valid indictment on me as a husband. It is hard to properly sift this whole thing out. I want to gain wisdom from it, but I go back and forth between feeling like maybe she was right and I was the problem, to the feeling that she was immature and uncommitted.

Im sure the truth lies inbetween, but the pendulum swang in her favor after a family birthday party tonight.

My brother was a serious a**hole, and I'm pretty sure he has no clue he was.

When he and his family arrived at the restaurant, I convivially insisted he come and sit at the center of the table as he was the birthday boy. Of course I meant his wife too. (I got stuck at the end of the table at my last birthday,and was unable to visit with anyone except the person to my immediate left...was not too happy about it)

He was a bit perturbed and said he was going to sit next to his wife. They did move to the center of the table eventually, but not after he made it known that he did not appreciate my attempt to secure for him that honored spot.

Later he mentioned he liked my new shirt. I said that I had just gotten it the other day, in anticipation of dating. I followed that up with the explaination that ex wife has a bf, sort of as a justification of why I felt free to date now.

I felt compelled to justify it bc in previous conversations, he felt that I had no business dating anyone, that it was too soon after the divorce, even tho ex w. had been dating this guy for a month prior to our divorce at the time of that conv.

So he just shut the conversation down. Said he did not want to hear about it.

At which point I am seriously put out. I tried to give him the seat of honor and he rebuffs me. I want to share a bit about my life, and he shuts me down.

Besides being offended, I wonder.........was I ever this idiotic to my wife? If so, I would soooo understand why she gave up.

And what is so confusing to me is that my brother, who is obviously to me so dense, has apparantly a wonderful marriage, makes a lot of $$$, has a nice house and two kids....is not a mean spirited person, just an ignorant ass at times,.....how does he succeed in marriage and buisness if he acts like that to his wife or others?

My only conclusion is that his wife is a saint, or he doesnt treat her like he did/does me.

Anyway, I have a fairly disfunctional family. I feel like I survived it and outgrew it, but who really knows?

How much of the insensitivity that is the hallmark of my family is still part of me? And am I as unaware of the hurtfullness of my remarks (as respecting my ex wife) as my brother is unaware of the hurtfullness of his to me?