I`ve been really enjoying my calmness in the face of all the crap H has thrown at me. Almost totally chilled.Almost ready to let go in fact...
Therapy yesterday stirred another beast in me. Why was I still hoping he`ll come back to me? Why do I settle for crumbs?Why am I still holding out for a man who`s cruel and abusive?
H came home for an hour after work yesterday-just long enough to shower change gobble a sandwich and go. Mumbled something about a `management function`. Didn`t come home until 3pm today. Said he was taking the kids to his mother`s `unless I had something else planned`
S14 has stayed at least.
I`m angry with myself for even thinking that H would attempt to work on the M. I`m angry at me for thinking so damn little of myself that I would choose to spend the rest of my life with a shallow, cruel individual. I`m angry that I chose him to be the father of my kids when he`s plainly not interested in them. I`m angry with myself for being deceived by his `Mr Nice Guy`act over the years.
I know I`m supposed to let him go and to do that with dignity and grace.
I really just wish everything awful upon him and want to see him suffer.
Yeah, I know! Not very christian, or kind, or DBing of me!
I`m glad to have the night in peace without him!
Isn`t that ironic? I want him and I`m glad he`s gone...
I`d like to ask for tips here on how to bring him down! Subtle stuff that he couldn`t pin on me! Like leaving moths to chew his best sweaters, put garlic in his food etc.
Instead maybe I should ask for help in getting over this angry patch!
I`d like to ask for tips here on how to bring him down! Subtle stuff that he couldn`t pin on me! Like leaving moths to chew his best sweaters, put garlic in his food etc.
Instead maybe I should ask for help in getting over this angry patch!
I don't think those things would bring him down, but could be very annoying.
That was an excellent vent and I would venture to say, you are not the only one having similar thoughts.
FG, you are going through a completly normal part of all of this. Feel your feelings. It really is ok.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I`ve been really enjoying my calmness in the face of all the crap H has thrown at me. Almost totally chilled.Almost ready to let go in fact...
Almost....
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Therapy yesterday stirred another beast in me. Why was I still hoping he`ll come back to me? Why do I settle for crumbs?Why am I still holding out for a man who`s cruel and abusive?
You know the answer to this. It's what brought you to this place. It's what continues to bring you here. It's what has inspired you to become better. It's ....well, the promise you made, the vow you took. It's the type of person you are and how important your family is to you.
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I`m angry with myself for even thinking that H would attempt to work on the M. I`m angry at me for thinking so damn little of myself that I would choose to spend the rest of my life with a shallow, cruel individual. I`m angry that I chose him to be the father of my kids when he`s plainly not interested in them.
Well like you said....almost. It is perfectly normal to feel angry and to vent, However I feel you have been here long enough to know better than this. Are you forgetting that he is in a crisis?
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I`m angry with myself for being deceived by his Mr Nice Guy`act over the years.
You know better than this. A person would just have to be down right evil to cause so much pain. OR They have some serious problems to work through. Please remember what a crisis is all about. I think you may be angry because your focus is not where it needs to be at the moment and you might be forgetting or overlooking what you have learned about MLC.
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I`m glad to have the night in peace without him!
Then I hope you choose to be at peace tonight, but right now you're angry. Let it out, work through it and keep moving forward. Do not dwell.
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I`d like to ask for tips here on how to bring him down! Subtle stuff that he couldn`t pin on me! Like leaving moths to chew his best sweaters, put garlic in his food etc.
Instead maybe I should ask for help in getting over this angry patch!
I would go with the instead on this one : )
Cycling through different emotions, including anger is all a normal part of this. Allow yourself to feel it and then move forward. By forward I mean putting your focus back on yourself and your children.
Yeah, Cat, I`ll settle for just being very annoying! Haven`t felt so mad in a while.
But Trapt may have put his finger on the sore spot. My therapist doesn`t buy into MLC or PA. I`m wondering if H is behaving badly because of ME. Maybe he will be better when we separate. Maybe he will be more involved with the kids. Maybe I drove him to all the bizarre stuff.
I know I have to let go either way. Just dreading the day for the kids when we tell them. I`m angry too that H couldn`t man up enough to at least try some form of reconciliation for their sakes.Tough enough to be a kid these days without one parent walking away.
Yeah, I know its just a feeling and hopefully it`ll pass, but I just worry so damn much about the kids in all of this.
Ok, chin up and moving forward...
Gonna take time out tomorrow to further my reinvention of me.Going to up my GAL stuff -the just for me and with the kid things.Going to plan some home improvement things that will really keep a positive buzz to this place.Going to list all the things I`ll be able to do with H gone.
Dunno if therapy is more of a hindrance than a help at this point. I just get so down after it.
Thanks Trapt for taking all that time out to post your words of wisdom.you know this battle well.
Cat,I know I`m blessed to have you here!Hope you`re having a good day!
Romans 5 Exult in our tribulations,knowing that tribulation brings about persaverance and persaverance,proven character and proven character HOPE and HOPE does not disappoint.
I hoped DBing-specifically the Last resort Technique would help H try to work on our M. Instead it made him angrier.
I kept hoping for a whole year that somehow I would save my children from the pain of having separated parents. I was wrong.
I hoped that a miracle would happen but I was wrong there too.
Having hope means I won`t let go. Giving up hope and letting go of H is what I need to do.
I feel in putting on the brave face, the make up, the smile, I`ve deceived my kids. They know there`s something wrong but cannot put a finger on it. So no words for the fears in their minds. I encourage them to be open and honest and to communicate yet I have done little of that with them regarding the breakdown of our marriage. That feels like a massive betrayal to the three people I hold closest to my heart in this world.
yes, I am feeling depressed.Last November I just sunk like a stone and I can feel that darkness coming on me again.
Yes, its bootstrap time.Mediation is next Tuesday week. H is gone to his mothers and will be back tonight. I`m going to change tactics now on how I deal with him. Lots more 180s.More mystery, less communication,no smiling. I`ll have made changes to the house by the time he`s back-moved around furniture etc. Showing him I`m moving on with my life. Sorting out practicalities for next week`s mediation appt.
