OK, it has been forever since I updated. Lots of things clicking in my head all at once, I guess. I am sure that I'm leaving things out, but that's ok.
A big thing was my son's graduation from West Point Boot Camp for NJROTC - I am so proud of him. My in-law's drove up with me, and my X was there with my daughter and his sister. No gut reaction in me. No stress, no drama. Nothing. I noticed he is wearing his beard as a goatee (eww on him), nothing more. xSIL took a family picture. At the end, my son said he was starving, and I asked X if they wanted to stop at a diner we passed to all get lunch (he was bringing the kids with him - his weekend). At first, he said his sister had to get home, but she said she'd like to get together for lunch. I sat across from him - no deep convos, just kind of normal. It was fine, and I think the kids liked it.
It did feel a little sad to walk back to the car with in-laws and not the kids, but not a huge thing.
What a long, strange trip it's been, hmmm?
Anyway, came home, took a nap, kids were home by 7:30 and spent time with them.
I guess it did hit me later that night - but not about what you would think. D10 had her hair up in a ponytail, and I had made the mistake to ask her who helped her with it. Stupid. I regreted it as soon as I said it and she quickly answered "I don't remember." I felt like sh!t that I had made her feel guilty. At the same time, after everything I had been able to do that day, it was knowing that someone else had put my D's hair up, someone else trying to have her as part of their family. That is what got to me. The loneliness came in, the rememberence of rejection, the wanting someone to love me like I had been long ago, missing being married and having a partner, etc. It lasted about 2 hours. But again, it wasn't hysterics, just...weeping. Snapped out of it without lingering. No deep-seated pain that you can feel physically. A mere hiccup, comparatively.
Another step forward. It is married life that I am missing, not really him, per se. And that isn't a constant, either. I did talk with my IC soon after that, and it was funny how, before I could even tell her about how I was feeling, that she knew what I felt was missing, what I wanted to eventually fill (an intimate relationship, a life partner). That I was well on my way with the work I was doing for myself, and that it would open me up to have opportunities for a healthy relationship - that there would be room for it in my life as I continued to move forward. The goal is to have a personally successful year, just for me, first. Beyond surviving. Get back to a place in my career where I am shining again, finally climb on top of the household day-to-day chores (the adjusting to being a single mom is done - now, just to hone and practice it). Finish that damn grad degree.
I started Zumba last week - it's an 8-week thing. Kicked my A$$!!!! (Aerobics dancing set to latin music) Jumping around and shakin' ma thang for a solid hour - I could feel my face on fire. But it was a blast! Now, I just have to figure out how that woman is moving her feet so fast...I'm blaming it on my grippy running shoes. I was actually amazed I didn't trip over my own feet! My appetite has recovered from the divorce diet (lost 45 pounds) with a vengence - back up 30!! Um, no thanks, body - I liked being thin! Seems sleep wants to do that, too (went from a year of getting no more than 2 hours a night, to now longing for a nap daily!). Discipline is something I am trying hard to embrace.
Then, there was the phone call Thursday. X wants me to share in the driving back and forth to his house (which is on the other side of town, about 15 min). Taken off-guard, I said I would have to think about it, that it would probably have to be on a case-by-case basis, since I use that time. Curtly, he asked about Fri. I asked him if he had talked to the kids about their church group that was scheduled for that night. That's when it hit the fan.... We get the same emails from church. But I hadn't called him to tell him D was thinking about going, too (would be new for her) - blah, blah, blah....you can probably imagine the rest. How I was still so selfish and inconsiderate, never a partner before, why should he be surprised now, etc. I said that I am not going to manage his relationship with his kids - he had the same opportunity to talk to them about this that I did (they talk by phone every night, eat dinner together at least 2x/week). And if he missed stuff, that might just be a consequence of being divorced - I couldn't possibly know what they did and didn't discuss when they were together. Well, he continued to attack me, and I'm not taking it anymore. Let's just say I got a lot off my chest while staying calm, while he took his usual path of self-justification, blame, calling me a b!tch and telling me f*ch you, that everyone would see someday what I really was, etc., how great she was and how happy he is. He said he is sick of people telling him how sh!tty he treated me while "forgetting" the abuse I heaped on him (history rewritten)- I mentioned that maybe, if you are hearing that from so many, that there might be some merit to it. I redirected the convo back to the kids a few times, telling him he would get more accomplished if he learned some communication skills and stopped attacking me. He finished the convo by saying he should have listened to my father years ago "and gotten the hell away as fast as he could." (My father died before my children were born, in 1994), then hung up on me.
He is an emotionally stunted, retarded individual, a bully.
I came to find out that he picked the fight with me because he had spoken to his mother earlier that day and she had hung up on him.
Apparently, he told his mother that she better get used to being around his girlfriend and accepting her - she said she didn't have to, and hung up. Can you imagine being the girlfriend in this? Why would you want to force yourself upon people who don't even WANT to like you? [wow, I just re-read that, and was struck by how I was doing that with X! I just didn't believe him for a long time...] I think his family will tolerate her, each in their own time, so as not to loose him. They'll do what they have to do. And I am leaving them to that. Again, not as destroyed over that new reality, either. I'd rather be with my family and friends who I know love me for me, not just who I am married to - it's a tearing away, of sorts.
I feel badly for his parents - I don't have to deal with his drama, anymore. I can feel it - it doesn't effect me, anymore. He can rant all he wants, and I can finally see through it - IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!! I have sympathy for everyone else this still hurts - his parents, his sibs, but most importantly, my kids. But in the end, my children are all who I can be concerned with. I'll just have to love them better; we don't get to pick our parents, and some have more flaws than others.
Our marriage broke for a lot of reasons - I have been working hard on mine. But he is still a broken man, and I don't know if or when he will ever see it. Not my problem, anymore.
The urgency that had gripped me for so long, wanting desperately to reach him, help him, has vaporized. I give up, but not in the defeated way that I had felt so badly about before. He WANTS to be this way.... like the drunk who won't quit until they decide they want to. He simply cannot comprehend anything else - like humans can't hear ultra-high-pitched frequencies, this is just beyond him.
Someone asked me today if I would ever take him back.
