UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks Bill - just visited over on your thread.

I was busy this morning and I do try to keep stuff ticking over around the house - it's all I have really - keeps me busy and gives me a sense of pride when it's all looking neat and tickety boo!

I just don't know how much longer I can put up with life like this. I feel that I am dealing with my H issues a good bit better now but I would deal with them heaps more if I had someone to fill the void ... just can't ever see that happening as a) I am still very much in love with H and b) I don't go anywhere to meet people.

I'm really considering whether or not I should pack up and move away but I don't want to sell the house right now. With the market being as it is currently, we stand to just scrape into a small profit, which would not realise all the equity that we put in to the build.

I think that H is playing a very astute game at the moment. He has stopped pushing me on the sale of the house but I guess that, now I am paying more than half of everything, he is happy enough to let it ride as the market picks up. He is winning, whichever way you look at this. He stands to come out of our M with a new life, ow, half of everything that we have and to be rid of me - the noose that he feels is tied around his neck.

I meanwhile, stand to lose my H, my home, my hopes, my livelihood ... my dreams, support, ambition .... my life. It was all wrapped up with him and whilst I hear that I should be drawing my own line in the sand and moving on, I just don't want to.

I want my H back and for me, that precludes me from GALing and doing all the other stuff which is supposed to be so good for you at this time. I'm sure it is but I'm just not ready. I have tried but I'm only fooling myself. I don't feel that way and I can't act that way.

I'm so tired of sailing along, alone.