Bad night for me

[Buttercup37]

Went to a wedding. Had a pretty decent time. Came home quite tipsy. H deposited me in bedroom and went downstairs. I felt rejected. Went downstairs and it turned into a relationship talk. A fairly respectful one yet still not helpful. Only new piece of info out of it is that H thinks I'm trying to be someone I'm not. (Recent niceness) He has no plan but is worried about how this will affect our kids. He's still very sure that he's done all he could in the past to try to fix this and it can't be fixed. I assured him that I honestly want to change the wAy I communicate-his bomb is a wake-up call not a forced thing on my part.

So looks like I really messed up tonight by talking about the big R!

[C-Bart]

Don't sweat it. We all try and avoid the big R talks but they do happen.

This was actually good and its something many people have noted. The S normally will see your changes as temporary. At least he noticed. Now just keep it up.

[Buttercup37]

But Tomorrow I refuse to feel bad about this talk tonight. I looked at those other couples at the wedding and realized so many of them are either facing issues like this or soon will be! Any mistake I've made in my marriage has been an honest one and done by tons of wives the world over. I deserve better than this situation.

[Buttercup37]

Thanks C-Bart! I really appreciate your supportive words!

[dolphin_05]

So Buttercup, it just means H has noticed your changes but has not yet been convinced that they're for real. Keep the changes going and show H the person you want to be.

[aflowergurlie]

My SisIL said that my H said the same thing to her, he's afraid that the changes won't last. Everything will all fall apart again if we were to go back down the road together again. ;(
My plan is to make the changes permanent as I realize that I had started implementing the same changes I'm going through now two years ago, my problem was I didn't make the changes permanent.

[Buttercup37]

Thanks Cas and Flower, I told H that his bomb was a wake-up call for me but learning how to communicate better is something I'm going to learn for myself - not to manipulate him. (And I do 100% mean this! I don't want to go back to my old way!) H kept stating that he had no expectations of me out of this - there was nothing he wanted me to do or change. His "mistake" is that he should have told me this years ago but instead he kept trying to make the marriage work. (He's gone from 6 months to looking back on most of our marriage as being beyond repair and unhappy.) I did point out we had some good times as well and he dismissed it with something like "Well of course if people are together long enough there will be a few good times along the way" He said he has no plan but is thinking hard on how to end this marriage so that it will not be hard on the kids. He didn't have any plans to move at the moment because he doesn't want to leave the kids behind but if him being there is torturing me and I want him to leave then he would. I told him that I respected the way he was thinking about the kids and how important it is for them to have him in their lives. Told him I'm not asking him to move out - I just don't know what's expected of me & am I giving him the space he's looking for...I'm no expert on seperation either. I also told him I loved him and I didn't truly believe that he didn't love me - that deep down inside I think he still did. (He sighed heavily and didn't say it but could tell he was thinking "poor, misguided fool")

Towards the end of the conversation he asked what I wanted to get out of it since he felt we were going in circles. I restated about wanting him to know I'm not perfect but the changes I am making I want to do because I want to learn a different way to treat people/communicate better. I agreed with him that maybe he was right and we should end this converstation until another time which surprised him a lot. (In the past I found it near impossible to end R dicussions because he rarely validated that he heard and at least understood what I was saying...Mars/Venus communications differences I now see.)

Shortly afterwards I went to bed and posted here which was very helpful. H stayed downstairs and didn't come up to bed until about 5:30am...so guess it was just shy of him spending the whole night on the couch.

[aflowergurlie]

There are a couple of things on the list that GIMA posted on my other thread that I think maybe were done in your R talk. I know it is soooo hard to be on your game and remember what to say and what not to say. But for you, try to be aware of #'s 3 & 11. Your conversation sounds very similiar to one of the last one's I had before I started DBing as I said pretty much the same things. Good for you on being the one to end the conversation first!

Keep up your positive changes in learning better communication skills. You said it so well when you said "the changes I am making I want to do because I want to learn a different way to treat people/communicate better." I am taking that quote with me today to help me remember that that is specifically my goal as well.

[Buttercup37]

It was a moment of weakness last night. I'm having a hard time coping with the lack of sex I think. I think I need to find some new activity that will be an outlet for some of that energy. Something creative...

[aflowergurlie]

OMG - I totally, totally hear you there!!! - I know the dates of our times together like the back of my hand since the bottom fell out in May. Once in July and once in August. It is like going through withdrawals and it definitely comes in waves for me. Heck, I was thinking about it after having surgery on Friday when he slept in bed with me for first time since May!!! Definitely trying to find outlets for the void there too. Let me know what ideas you come up with for you because I am a creative person and like to do creative things as well.