Gardner and Gag, Just passing through. Glad I did! Sometimes I think I'm the only one with these types of emotions. Thanks for the brutal honesty.
My first round of Mediation was last Wednesday and I think I was way to nice. Let her off with no child support, agreed to some other things. Maybe next time I'll push a little harder make her a little uncomfortable. I'll start off re-visiting the child support issue.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
Is that the one that had the windshield washer switch on the floor? Had a GF with one of those. She had a habit of turning of the lights when she would come to a stop sign so she could run through. Ended up in someones front yard once. Kind of got the message that she was in fact nuts.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
My H was the love of my life. I miss THAT man more than I can say.
I really feel for you on that one and in the way you captured the absolute essence of it all in two short aching sentences. Change the gender and you've summed up my life. All of our lives, actually.
I've been on and off the forum (mostly off) for the last month or so. I'll have to familiarize myself with your sitch and what you've been through.
Thanks.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
My first round of Mediation was last Wednesday and I think I was way to nice. Let her off with no child support, agreed to some other things. Maybe next time I'll push a little harder make her a little uncomfortable. I'll start off re-visiting the child support issue.
Good luck. I know I risk some of Gucci's wrath by honestly admitting that there is a part of me that just doesn't think I have that push-back (nor the energy for it) in me anymore. I'm feeling more and more like, "yeah, yeah, let's just get this over with. Just go away. Just go"
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Start with doing whatever you need to do to feel better about yourself and gain confidence. This D/marital problem process takes a he!! of a toll on the LBS' self confidence and image. If you are a runner, set a goal to run a race at a distance you haven't done before. If you like the gym, start working out again. Set a goal to get back in top shape. Whatever you like, get back into it.
Start flirting whenever you have the chance. You won't feel like it at first, but after a while, and some positive reception from the opposite sex, you won't just think you are a good catch, you will start to believe it, and you will start to know it. Flirting doesn't have to lead to anything you aren't ready for, but it will do loads to boost your self confidence.
I'm convinced that growing your self confidence, and liking yourself (this was one of my biggies), are the keys that allow you to detach, really detach, and take your life in a positive direction.
You and I are similar in that we both made the mistake to make our happiness depend on our W's moods. This is the making your M your whole life thing. There's another name for it - co-dependency. And, as much as it felt like our M's were supposed to have been the center of our universes, it is NOT healthy.
Think of it this way. Before your W became interested in you, you had certain qualities. I would bet one of those was a bit of cockiness/confidence. Over time, as the M evolves, we let that part go and basically sacrifice ourselves for the M. B/c this is what we were taught to do by family, friends, the outside world.
I think we get confused into thinking that giving ourselves up for the betterment of the M means we are to stop being an individual with hopes and dreams and interests seperate and apart from the M. Once we allow that to happen, then the stage is set for trouble b/c the person our W's fell for really isn't there anymore.
One of the books I read ("No More Mr. Nice Guy") really makes this point. If I haven't recommended it to you before, I am now. Hate to say it, but you and I were both "Nice Guys." And that connotation isn't exactly what you think. You have to read the book to understand, but you will.
Gardener, I know you have the strength to pull through this. I've seen it before. You may have gotten knocked on your a$$ for the moment, but it's time to dust yourself off and get moving in a positive direction.
If you are a runner, set a goal to run a race at a distance you haven't done before. If you like the gym, start working out again. Set a goal to get back in top shape. Whatever you like, get back into it.
I am going to increase my hiking and I have a fairly well-equipped home gym that I've let gather dust for months (as I've lost weight and muscle mass!)
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Start flirting whenever you have the chance. You won't feel like it at first, but after a while, and some positive reception from the opposite sex, you won't just think you are a good catch, you will start to believe it, and you will start to know it. Flirting doesn't have to lead to anything you aren't ready for, but it will do loads to boost your self confidence.
This is great (and speaking of home gyms, flirting is a "muscle" I haven't worked out in years, of course).
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
You and I are similar in that we both made the mistake to make our happiness depend on our W's moods. This is the making your M your whole life thing. There's another name for it - co-dependency. And, as much as it felt like our M's were supposed to have been the center of our universes, it is NOT healthy. Think of it this way. Before your W became interested in you, you had certain qualities. I would bet one of those was a bit of cockiness/confidence. Over time, as the M evolves, we let that part go and basically sacrifice ourselves for the M. B/c this is what we were taught to do by family, friends, the outside world.
I think we get confused into thinking that giving ourselves up for the betterment of the M means we are to stop being an individual with hopes and dreams and interests seperate and apart from the M. Once we allow that to happen, then the stage is set for trouble b/c the person our W's fell for really isn't there anymore.
Yes and ouch. Gima, I'm quite an unselfish guy as I beleieve you are and I was veryunselfish as a spouse. And I use unselfish here very consciously and deliberately because in the past I would invariably favor and use the word selfless. And that's what happened to me in the R, M & life in general: I became self less.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
One of the books I read ("No More Mr. Nice Guy") really makes this point. If I haven't recommended it to you before, I am now. Hate to say it, but you and I were both "Nice Guys." And that connotation isn't exactly what you think. You have to read the book to understand, but you will.
I'll get it.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Gardener, I know you have the strength to pull through this. I've seen it before. You may have gotten knocked on your a$$ for the moment, but it's time to dust yourself off and get moving in a positive direction.
So, what's stopping you?
Nothing (wait, let me dust off all this 10 months worth of rollercoaster dust. There.) Nothing.
You, my friend, should be a DB TeleCoach.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Here's a quick note before I run out the door. I'm glad you are sounding better today. Baby steps (everytime I read or write this phrase I think of the movie "What About Bob?" www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8Gkes9CDBk&feature=related ).
My DB coach Jody has helped me immeasurably. If you can muster the funds it could be helpful, although GIMA has given you very good advice today.
I don't have a thread but should start one somewhere. When you have a chance would you please give me some pointers on how to post my first thread?
One of the books I read ("No More Mr. Nice Guy") really makes this point. If I haven't recommended it to you before, I am now. Hate to say it, but you and I were both "Nice Guys." And that connotation isn't exactly what you think. You have to read the book to understand, but you will.
Gima, Holly crap. I just got this book (audio) on you recommendation and I'm blown away. The first couple of chapters I listen to with my jaw on the floor. Never before has a book captured my life and behavior in such exacting detail.
Thanks for the recommendation...
Fellow Nice Guy
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
One of the books I read ("No More Mr. Nice Guy") really makes this point. If I haven't recommended it to you before, I am now. Hate to say it, but you and I were both "Nice Guys." And that connotation isn't exactly what you think. You have to read the book to understand, but you will.
Gima, Holly crap. I just got this book (audio) on you recommendation and I'm blown away. The first couple of chapters I listen to with my jaw on the floor. Never before has a book captured my life and behavior in such exacting detail.
Thanks for the recommendation...
Fellow Nice Guy
No sweat. It had that type impression on me as well. I forget who told me about that one. May have just read it on someone's thread.
