Changing Man

[givingitmyall]

Gardener,

Have you read much about co-dependency? Think it would help.

[Gardener]

Gima,

You're right on the money, as usual. I have. I read Pia Mellody's Facing Codependence. Much didn't resonate with me: it's very family-of-origin trauma/abuse related.

But I am going to get CoDependent No More and read that.

Thanks.

[gucci loafer]

Gucci, Greek, Coach, Sandi, Wifey, Puppy, Smiley, Dia, MAC-ct, etc....

HELP!

Nothing has worked. and I am giving up.

Well, I told you MONTHS ago that she was having an AFFAIR.
It got glossed over and dismissed...

This is why nothing you did worked. (your words)
You were trying the "weak" route of being her friend, being nice, showing her how much YOU could change, etc. etc. etc..

The typical Db'ing mistakes while a WS is having an affair right under your nose and you REFUSE to face that fact and REFUSE to believe it. You then EXCUSED her behavior as she was hurt, she was abused in childhood, she this and she that...

The bottom line is the AFFAIR..


I do disagree with you on one thing though... It is the part where you say you have tried "everything"....

No you didn't. You didn't try getting tough, you didn't try to smoke out the affair and finding out who it was and if "he" was married and then exposing the affair to the OM's wife, family or girlfriend if he had one and then exposing it at her work etc.... (which ruins many an affair because of cake eating)

AND you didn't try the jealousy route of socially going out and about and being with the opposite sex and letting your wife see by your actions that you have moved on.....


So. What you did was try everything that YOU thought might work and what others thought might work that you agreed with, but NOT what people like me have seen work time and again...


Now you make another mistake by confronting this man about being a stalker or peeping tom or whatever he is...

Wrong move again...


Your answer is to PUSH for the divorce and get whatever you can. It is too late now regarding her affair because this should have been done immediately. You waited too long on that by not being able to admit that it not only was a probability that she was having one, but a VERY HIGH probability. This should have been smoked out from the beginning. By not doing that you were trying to fix something with the wrong tools. And then wondering why it didn't work or wasn't working...


Your answer is to find someone else and start socially interacting and having the fun time of your life. Stop worrying about whether you are ready or what others may think or what your wife may think and start caring about YOU.

Leaver your wife alone, push the divorce for YOUR benefit and let her deal with her own consequences of her terrible behavior that you have enabled and even encouraged because of fear of being tough... You played this all the way with the nice guy, friend route. By your own words it didn't work.

Try another route then.... THE TOUGH, STRONG, you aren't taking any more crap, will get what YOU can in the divorce and who care what she thinks route....

Then you can say you tried everything...


That is my take..

[goodattitudegirl]

Gardener,

I know what you mean about thinking that you would not choose to invest in a friendship with someone whom you couldn't trust. As my D-day approaches I am struggling with the same issue. I have done the friendship thing successfully, to the extent that I have a friendly relationship with H. This is huge progress in my sitch......but my anger and pain makes me want to cut him off after D-day. I am human after all. I have been talking to my DB coach about this. I don't know what will happen.

So......in July I started distancing a bit.....and really started distancing about 10 days ago after the 1 year anniversary of the bomb/our wedding anniversary/ and my birthday. I flew to DC to spend that weekend with a male college friend and his GF.....sent H a few photos of the trip featuring male friend prominently (friend was competing in a triathlon that weekend and has a chest like Batman's breastplate). I too am at the point where I often feel that I don't care right now, but my emotions are quite labile. H has been a bit more attentive and asked me to dinner to celebrate my birthday. I told him I had prior plans and suggested an evening next week......so perhaps a somewhat gucci-like approach. I vacillate between anger and grief these days. I'm sharing this because I want you to know you are not alone. My H was the love of my life. I miss THAT man more than I can say. I am so sorry that you feel hopeless right now about a woman who clearly meant/means the world to you. Grieving is part of this process. Sorry I can't be more uplifting this evening. Your palpable grief is allowing my grief to come pouring out. You are not alone in your emotions.

GAG

[goodattitudegirl]

Sorry for the "moribund" post last night. Grief is part of this process. I have never been a game player in relationships but with my D-day looming I have been detaching more and been more mysterious ala gucci and my DB coach. My rationale for doing this is the same as what gucci described. I woke up this morning to find that H had texted me a photo of our "daughter" (my precious cat --- I got full custody of her because that was stipulated in our prenup :-) ) AND H had listed me as a friend with access to his Facebook page,..... so full disclosure of the goings on of this aspect of his social network. Interesting..... Facebook is something he and I had never ever communicated about.......so maybe the gucci approach is having some effect????

Gucci's approach may be worth a try for you if you are so inclined?????? Could it hurt at this point? It sounds as though you're detaching anyway.

GAG

[SmileysPerson]

You don't have to have a friendship. You just have to be "friendy." When you're friendy, you act nice; cordial; correct; you treat the WAS like a regular human being. Water cooler conversation. "Hey, Bob - howzitgoon?" You betray nothing; you admit nothing; you say nothing substantive.

The key is to be a self-contained unit. A rock. An island. You've GOT to focus solely on yourself until you're happy with yourself.

Your marriage wasn't your life.

Sorry to break the news to you.

When you were 10 -- maybe your Joe Pignatano rookie card "was your life." When you were 20, maybe it was that bad-ass deuce-coupe. Who knows? Your life preceded marriage and it will follow marriage.

So take off the rose-colored glasses. All those days you were p*ssed? All those times you had to bite your tongue? THOSE were part of the M, too.

So the marriage was an important part of your life, a central part of your life... but it wasn't your life.

This is your life now.

So cinch up the rucksack straps, tighten the laces on your boots, and march. When you find yourself in Hell, it's best to keep going.

[Gardener]

You're right, Gucci.

I have to think more about the getting everything in the divorce, though. Twice I pushed back and suddenly she alludes to not wanting anything to happen to My excellent, loving relationship with my beloved stepD & stepS.

But that's just shrewd, right-on-the money button-pushing on her part. My strong relationship with them will survive her subtle BS or even outright lies, though it might take a while. Next meeting w/mediator is in 3 1/2 weeks. Think I'll push it up.

And you know what's kinda hard? The socializing, dating part of GAL. Up until bomb we were each other's world. Don't know where/how to start.

But start I will. In some fashion. Any Fashion.

Thanks.

[Gardener]

I have been talking to my DB coach about this. I don't know what will happen.

. I stopped with my DB teleCoach in July after 3 sessions. Mostly due to $$. I'm self-employed, lost customers in this economy this year and am struggling big time to carry this house alone. I'll have to find a way to scrounge up some $ and re-connect.

I vacillate between anger and grief these days. I'm sharing this because I want you to know you are not alone. My H was the love of my life. I miss THAT man more than I can say. I am so sorry that you feel hopeless right now about a woman who clearly meant/means the world to you. Grieving is part of this process. Sorry I can't be more uplifting this evening. Your palpable grief is allowing my grief to come pouring out. You are not alone in your emotions.

Actually, GAG you were uplifting to me in your commiserating. Thank you. And good luck to you in your pain & sitch.

[Gardener]

Sorry for the "moribund" post last night.

Not at all. I hear you. I'm there.

Gucci's approach may be worth a try for you if you are so inclined?????? Could it hurt at this point? It sounds as though you're detaching anyway.GAG

Yep, that's the approach I'm heading towards now.

[Gardener]

You don't have to have a friendship. You just have to be "friendy."

Hi, SP. Funny, at last mediator session, she said something about being "civil". I said that I hate that word and while right now I don't think I coulkd ever be her friend again, let's at least agree to be friendly."

When you were 20, maybe it was that bad-ass deuce-coupe. Who knows?

1969 Dodge Dart GTS (sigh).

So the marriage was an important part of your life, a central part of your life... but it wasn't your life.

Yes, it was. I made it so. Mistake. No more.

Thanks.