UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

I have some stronger times Cas and then I lose it and am back in the hollow for a few days. This is one of those times.

I manageed to finish the lawns today but it was a huge effort, my wrist and finger problems appear to be getting worse and everything is so heavy and awkward for me. Still, it's done and I like the resulting neatness - makes my world feel orderly, even if it's not.

The neighbour opposite was out fixing some stuff and we stopped for a quick chat (don't know them well and don't really want to get involved). I was dreading that she was going to ask where H was and I was not even listening to much of her convo as I was trying to pull together a response. Instead, she was just intent on telling me how the next door neighbour had been burgled last weekend. Another worry for me to now add to my list.

Sat in the garden with the sun shining down on me and took the opportunity to give the furries a good brushing, which they both enjoyed. Sat there, I just can't believe that H is interstate and living it up whilst I am here doing all the work and taking care of what used to be our joint responsibilities. Makes me feel some very, very bad and evil thoughts. I also feel like spilling the beans and telling his parents about his behaviour - I won't of course but the temptation to show people what a louse H is being is huge. He is acting cowardly too, in my view. He's not facing anyone ... and he's getting away with them all thinking that he is the victim in all of this, without them knowing the truth. I won't tell them what's going on here yet I am the one who is being seen as the villain. Not fair.

Now, cooking some lunch, I wonder "when is this over? How do you know when enough is enough?" ....

I'm getting such a clear message from H and yet I still feel that it is such a loss, for us both. Up until 2 months ago, he told me that he would reconsider the whole deal if there was something monumental - but what is he waiting for and meanwhile, he's not exactly doing anything to help us, is he?

Although I hate him right now for his actions and the impact that they are having upon me, I still can't sever the love ties that I have to him. What is in my head and heart continue to conflict - badly.