Looking For Help

[Mongoose27]

Hey Tristan had a good day until I got home. I had dinner with my room mate but then started missing her REAL bad again. I am not even sure why I am still in love with her. Truth is it doesn't matter why but trying to act and look like everything is fine is not easy by a long shot. In fact it sucks.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey Guys,

The "I can forgive but not forget" line was given to me as well back in April. This is their negative feelings talking. I think the Retrovaille experience should help the WAS get past all of this provided we've cleaned up our acts. If the Retro experience can't make them forget, then them seeing us in the arms of OP one day should kick them in the rear end...as per the Gucci method. If that doesn't shock them, then having child custody on a part-time basis just might. I don't know if our WAS have thought about it that far out. I think they're still in the selfish mode.

D1: Good luck with Retro. I think my WAS is going for the same reason as your WAS. I guess it doesn't matter as long as they go. I'll take my chances since this will definitely be my last resort. If you're feeling down, you can find many success stories if you google "Retrovaille testimonials" as it has helped many times for me. If our spouses were really disgusted with us, they would have taken off a long time ago...IMO.

GIMA: Thanks for your nuggets of wisdom. You have a gift of putting things in a "matter of fact" manner. I've been closely following you stitch...you definitely have your wife moving in the right direction.

Thanks,
LFH

[d1adsl5a]

I think it is part of the MLC manual. Also the too little too late for my changes. I think my W has quoted every line in the book...

[d1adsl5a]

What is your status with the W right now. Couldn't tell from your situation. My W was looking at houses on line as well...Does she think I am an idiot??

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey D1,

My current situation is that we've been separated (in the same house) since April. My W doesn't want to work on the marriage, but did commit to Retrouvaille (Oct 16). I believe Retrouvaille will be our last resort.

We have an interesting dynamic in our relationship. When I pull away, my W becomes engaged (like yesterday for example). When I chase, she becomes cold and distant. I hope Sandi is correct in that my W still wants to hang on to me. She did say that she still loved me approximately 5 weeks ago. She also mentioned that the fact I'm a great father draws her closer to me. I believe that our pain needs to be healed, hopefully by retrouville, so that we can works towards a new and more loving relationship. We shall see.

-LFH

[sandi2]

I think when anyone says that they can forgive but can't forget really means that they are not ready to lay it down and move forward.

The "too little too late" is b/c of years of emotional pain pushed down inside of the WAW. Guess I can identify with that one pretty well. I had a tough time being able to push forward b/c I couldn't really see my H trying to make any changes. After all, he said he hadn't done anything wrong. That was a bitter pill for me to have to swallow due to all the resentment about the past. But, the past can't be changed and we can chose to hang onto it....or we can chose to move forward. Plus, we are the only ones who truly have control over that decision.

[d1adsl5a]

Sandi,

I am just frustrated, angry. I did say that I made mistakes. I have fallen on the sword. I have been doing that for 5 months. She can see the changes are permanent. She just doesn't give an inch on anything. Besides the emotional abandonment, there is no physical touching eitherr. To tell me we can hug as friends, it is almost too much to take after 15 years of marriage. You have said Sandi, we can chose to hang on to the past or move forward. There is not moving forward for her. There is only me, me, and more me. She got a job and she is happy with it. I was hoping there would be a sense of mission fulfilled for her. But it almost seems like it is pulling her farther away from me. She has made it quite clear she doesn't care about my feelings no matter how much she hurts me with her words.

I am not giving up yet. But this is not the life I can lead for a long time. This is not the life my sons can lead. I can't always fake it like my wife...

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey Sandi and GIMA,

I had a very nice weekend...I hope you guys did as well. My son and I enjoyed the Buckeye game in Columbus this past Saturday. I bought matching football jerseys for the both of us. Oh boy did it rain hard. My brother joined us to make it a "guys weekend." My W called on Saturday and Sunday while we were away. She's called more in the last four days than she has in the last 14 days. On Saturday, my son mentioned to my W that he was having an awesome time....priceless.

When we came home, I noticed the house completely picked up and freshly baked cookies on the kitchen countertop. She's been busy. Maybe she was looking forward to our return?

My W also prepared a nice dinner; however, she got ticked off at me for not being talkative enough. Say what? This is very new behavior! Since when did she start caring whether or not I talked to her at dinner? She's been Mrs Sourpuss of late so I've been directing my conversation towards the kids during supper. Very intesting...yes...very interesting.

At nightime, my W joined me and the kids on our master bed to watch some NFL hightlights on ESPN. It's been a very long time since she's done this. Again...very interesting.

My GALing is starting to be effective again. Maybe I'm starting to build momentum towards Retrouvaille.

Thanks,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

Hey Sandi and GIMA,

I had a very nice weekend...I hope you guys did as well. My son and I enjoyed the Buckeye game in Columbus this past Saturday. I bought matching football jerseys for the both of us. Oh boy did it rain hard. My brother joined us to make it a "guys weekend." My W called on Saturday and Sunday while we were away. She's called more in the last four days than she has in the last 14 days. On Saturday, my son mentioned to my W that he was having an awesome time....priceless.

When we came home, I noticed the house completely picked up and freshly baked cookies on the kitchen countertop. She's been busy. Maybe she was looking forward to our return?

My W also prepared a nice dinner; however, she got ticked off at me for not being talkative enough. Say what? This is very new behavior! Since when did she start caring whether or not I talked to her at dinner? She's been Mrs Sourpuss of late so I've been directing my conversation towards the kids during supper. Very intesting...yes...very interesting.

At nightime, my W joined me and the kids on our master bed to watch some NFL hightlights on ESPN. It's been a very long time since she's done this. Again...very interesting.

My GALing is starting to be effective again. Maybe I'm starting to build momentum towards Retrouvaille.

Thanks,
LFH

Sounds good. Don't be afraid to open up a little to her. Sounds like she wants to try to reconnect on some level. Just take it slow.

[d1adsl5a]

The day started out great today....The W said you wanted to talk, so lets talk. It ended up with her telling me how I have made her feel over the 15 years..Then saying "I don't love you. I have no feelings for you at all other than a friend--why can't we be friends if we divorce?"

I asked why are you going to retrouville then. Why not just call it right now? She tells it has only been 5 months.

So is there a time limit in divorce? If there is no love, no effort on her part, she doesn't care about my changes, then what do I do. Just go on living till she feels that no one will think bad of her because she put the appropriate amount of time into pretending to try on this marriage? Retrouville is just a checklist to say well I tried. Retrouville is about leaving the past behind. It can't make someone love you again...