Dia, I am not sure about the books. I asked her to read one (5LL in fact) early in our sitch, and it was a dismal failure - it was pursuit, she reacted badly, and never touched the book.
Her main objections to R books.
1) They say how to improve a relationship, but I don't know if I want this r with you at all.
2) They say how I can be more loving to you, but (because I have so much pain, etc) I don't want to be more loving to you.
3)They help you to understand how to meet my needs, but I don't want YOU to meet my needs.
The r books are only relevant if you first decide that you want the R. (Love is a decision) Through most of our sitch she has steadfastly refused to make that decision.
Lotus, you are right in pointing out that I was pointing blame. Thanks for keeping me straigh. One change from previous discussions of this sort is a) I brought up the subject of D (this was a conscious 180 for me) and b)I didn't get baited by her use of absolute negatives.
The whole conversation was fairly calm. I probably did not pull it off perfectly, but I am glad that we had the discussion. It certainly dosn't seem to have done any damage - as you pointed out, she has now started defending the M, and she checked up on us a couple of times today.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
