Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

It's been a few days since I've posted, but as I have some time on my hands I thought I'd thumb-peck an update from my blackberry.

S6, S4 (now S5 since Thursday) and I are camping this weekend, and sure enough, after a beautiful day and a nice evening, we are now socked away in the tent in the pouring rain.

It's been great to have the time with the boys, and, frankly, to have the time away from Mrs. Thinker.

On @Aliveandkicking's thread earlier today @Coach discussed backsliding as soon as we get some of what we have been missing from our spouses. Wellan that's part of my sitch as well. Starved for affection and emotional connection, I backslide each time my W opens up a bit. Once again over the past week I found myself pursuing - trying to maintain some level of connection as she withdrew again.

At the same time, I find myself walking away. I hear the narrative in the back of my mind - "I'm done." " I'm out of here." "I don't want to deal with this any more.". Even when sound asleep, Mrs. Thinker is no longer the leading lady of my dreams - replaced by an unknown other.

I've been following @GIMA's thread and the discussion there on whether you should initiate an R discussion to tell your limboland spouse that you are now starting to walk away. We'll, last night (and continued into this morning) I did.

I don't know whether it's a good thing or not, but I was honest, and it came out.

I told her that I am not happy in our M. That in our M I feel lonely, unloved, and unappreciated. I said that fortunately I didn't have to make a decision right now, but if I did, I would choose to get divorced.

She replied that "this is why we are going to the weekend (retro)n but there is just no connection and no affection or warmth between us." I agreed, but the corrected her. "There is no connection, no affection, and no warmth, I said, because you systematically deflect, cut off, or shut down any of this before it can ever get started"

I am trying, she said (repeating old lines), you just don't understand how hard it is for me. I've been so hurt for so long. And it would be easier if I had memories of a great R to fall back on, but it has never been that good.

I am getting very tired of the victim role she plays in her mind here (and in much of her life). Nothing is ever her fault, and her stories get rewritten to back this up.

Well then, I said, if that's the case, then let's make a decision and get divorced.

I can't she said. I look at our children and I just can't.

We talked a bit about Retro and I said, "I agree with you in what you said a couple of months ago. "Let's see what the retrouvaille program brings, but afterwards we need to make a decision. And if there is truly nothing here, then we need to move on and stop wasting our lives.

She cried and we didn't really talk about it any more.

I am still very hopeful that retro will help us - we have been waiting for it for 3 months now), but if not, something has to change. I can't continue to hang on to a M with someone who refuses to commit, or take resp. For her own part in the sitch.

Anyway, after that discussion I finished packing up and headed out here for the weekend. Glad to get away for a while. I needed the separation.