Ups and Downs

[Energizer Bunny]

!@#$@$%#$%^$#%^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well...the playfulness was fun while it lasted.

We ended up having a nice little family evening for a bit. S, W and I sitting around the backyard firepit. It was nice. I started the fire and W came out all on her own and sat next to me.

A little while later, the phone rang and she ran inside. Spent quite a while in there. Came out and....it was her BFF GF of course. The one who has taken the place of the OM in our relationship. W doesn't get that GF is the OM. And guess what, GF just got her realestate license! Yep..SHE's W's realtor.

W WENT INSIDE FROM OUR FAMILY EVENING TOGETHER AFTER HUGGING AND KISSING ON ME TO DEAL WITH HER NEW HOUSE SITUATION!

I set a boundary. I told her that I felt this was very disrespectful. (I also said, freaking great. You wonder why I have an issue with your GF, see her as the OM? And now you have her looking for houses for you?)

She went off, but I stood my ground. This is just too much of a slap in the face to me.

How in the hell can people flip it on and off like this? If I hadn't said anything was she just going to come back and hang out like all was normal? WTF?

[Energizer Bunny]

More blah this morning.

I noticed that her "book mark" that was sitting on the coffee table was her divorce lawyer's business card. After feeling disrespected from last night, I really couldn't let that go. This, the real estate listings that have set out, and the printed articles about being trapped in your marriage that are on the bookshelf.

I told her how disrespectful this was. Obviously this led to R talk and I heard the same crap again. I heard about times that we went out with her friends (where she completely ditched me with strangers)and I wasn't happy about it. Therefore...I must not want her to have friends. (It couldn't have had anything to do with the fact that I went to places that I didn't want to be, with people that I didn't know, and had the balls to expect that she may well..you know...not completely fail to acknowledge my existence when we got there.) A couple other examples of the same crap and some things that I don't remember at all. It's like she was with someone else. This far into it and I'm still hearing about new things? I swear some of this crap is purely made up!

I'm sick of this same crap. Over and over. She has decided that this is how things are/were and now accepts it as the only possible truth. She never asked me what was going on with me. I have been tagged controlling and therefore if I ever did
ANYTHING it must be with the goal of controlling her. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

She gets that "I'm not listening to a word you say, you can't make me" look on her face. I hate it!

I waited for a couple of hours to approach her and we hugged.

Where are we now? Who the hell knows?

[Dia]

Wow, that sounds immensely frustrating.

Did you validate at all? And no, I don't think you have to validate something that is utter, fabricated crap past saying something like, "I'm sorry you're hurting." Or even (very calmly), "I hear you - you felt controlled."

See how the last one is not agreement, just acknowledgment of how she felt regardless of the facts either way?

If you can do that, it often cools the situation down b/c the person venting doens't feel like they have to vent *harder* in order to be heard.

Now, it's going to suck for you because YOU won't get heard and that doesn't feel so good. The goal, of course, is to validate enough to get her to a place where she *can* hear you. I can't tell you how long it will take or when it might happen, but IMHO, it's still worth trying.

[Energizer Bunny]

Thanks Dia. I'm trying. Same crap a million times. I've heard it all before.

I did say that I am so sorry that she felt that's how it was. Sorry it's how she saw it. Sorry we never discussed this stuff at the time. I did try to explain what really happened in those instances. She seemed to listen, but I doubt anything got through. She's seemed to listen before.

It's SO freaking frustrating to hear about a time when we were in the middle of foreplay, she stopped to check on her GF (GF and her hubby were passed out on our couch downstairs after a halloween party) and W just left me there. She didn't come back for 3 hours! I was pi$$ed when I finally went downstairs after 3 hours(at like 4:00am). W said how I was jealous of her GF and didn't want her to have friends. WHAT? We were in the middle of something and you left 3 hours ago saying "I'll be right back!"

This was seen of course as me being controlling. Am I missing something. Am I that dense?

[Dia]

Well, it sounds to me like you *are* jealous of GF. That's also understandable given the sitch. Have you ever admitted she's right on that? And yeah, there's a risk there b/c she could go off on an "I knew it!" tirade, so it will depend on when and how you do it.

example: W, I've been thinking, and you're right. I am jealous of GF. I *do* want you to have friends and an active, healthy social life. If I've stood in the way of that before, I'm sorry. I want more time and affection than I'm getting, so it hurts me when I see you spending so much time with others. It's not fair for me to blame GF for that, so I'm sorry for that, too.

You need to be very calm, even thoughtful, when you say this.

Also, it's *not* fair for you to blame GF, even though it's entirely natural for you to do so. Your upset should be with your W (which it is).

[Energizer Bunny]

I am jealous of the GF at this point. I have been very with W about this. I have made a point since early to note that my problem wasn't with the GF as a person or that she has a good friend (I've said I'm happy she has a good friend), but my problem is with the relationship she has with the GF.

W has just decided that I am this manipulating man who is always trying to "control" her. It's really frustrating.

Her Mom is a real control freak and I think that my W was really affected by it. Granted, I haven't always always been the best husband. I admit that. Here and to her. I have tried really hard though. I always have. I didn't want her to go be wild and crazy with her friends favoring the loving, caring wife and mother side of her that wanted to spend time with me. I have been selfish with her to a point, but some of her perceptions are just crap.

I've been pursuing a little tonight, but she's been very receptive. Conflicted still. I pursue a little then back off.

I went to hang with a friend tonight and left her home alone. She never seems to miss me though. She likes the time to herself (not something that I generally like).

I'm a little "tipsy" now. It's taking me a while to type.

[wanttobebetter]

It is really weird how much we are alike in our situations. Mine was the same way with the social situations. It was like they were set up to fail from the beginning. If it was going good, she would always find something to harp on or would intiate something to make a big deal out if later. No win situation....and I was only trying to find a way to spend time together...

[Energizer Bunny]

It is really weird how much we are alike in our situations. Mine was the same way with the social situations. It was like they were set up to fail from the beginning. If it was going good, she would always find something to harp on or would intiate something to make a big deal out if later. No win situation....and I was only trying to find a way to spend time together...

I'd be willing to bet that there is more going on with them than we realize. I think my W's mom left her with some issues.

Who knows? It's amazing how two people can see the same situations so differently.

[wanttobebetter]

I know my W's mom did....her parents stayed together until she graduated high school then her Mom left her Dad. I can only imagine how that plays into her head.

[Energizer Bunny]

I'm feeling resentful and needy today. What a weird combination.

I've been fighting pursuing W today. I've caught myself hovering a few times and just left the house for a while. It's hard to push away from it since she has been recceptive lately. It's clear she's not in the mood for it today though. She's not mean so far today. Not even too distant. Just feels like I've pushed enough for now.

I was out for a good chunk of the morning and came home with quite a headache. W noticed mmy behavior and questioned if I was upset with her. I was a little (feeling a little resentful and replaying some of our less stellar moments in my head this morning) but I just told her about my headache. I was surprised that she would care if I was mad at her. Second time in three days she was concerned about that.

I want to go grab her and take so badly right now!

...and kind of want to tell her to leave and not come back at the same time...