Good for you! You sound stronger already! As for how to find the TM on her phone.....I don't know that there is a way after they are deleted, but I'm not up on all this technology. I think I can contact a couple of people here on the board that know what to suggest to you about a keylogger for your computer. There are other things they can offer advice about finding out if she is having an A. It's just something you need to know, and I doubt she would tell you if she were....unless she was sure she was completely done with the M. In most cases, the WAW hangs on until she has enough money to afford a move or she has received a promise of M from OM--or something. Seldom will she move out without some kind of "leg" to stand on.
Decoy, you really touched me with your story b/c my H and I lived with my MIL from the time we said our wedding vows untill a few months before our first child was born. His dad had passed away right before our wedding. He felt like it was his duty to see after his mother and she took every advantage she could. I used to even think that if I could just hold on until she had passed away that maybe we would stand a fighting chance (terrible to say, but that is how desparate I was)--but she lived till nearly 90! Ugh, by then I had finally reached a place that I just didn't care any more b/c I couldn't change him. However, I always felt like he was a "mama's boy".....and no wife wants to be M to a mama's boy (just keep that under you hat in case you need to think about it sometime, okay?).....and I'm not saying you "are" one--b/c you were in a tough spot and it would have been hard for me to tell one of my parents to leave my house, too. But, I do know that it is a bad way to start a M and it is a seed of bad relations and sets a rough road that is very hard to overcome. I never got over the feeling that he put her before me. It is a horrible feeling and it will make the W act terrible b/c of her lack of security. Anyway, I know what kind of problems that can bring between a man & W in a MR. I don't think parents realize what they are asking of a young adult child when they want them to promise to take care of the survivor. Guess it is only normal to do that. I can see what a burden it was for you....and also my young H. I was so immature that I could only dream of us being alone together....which we never were. I only wanted to have the privilege of being a bride and didn't think I was asking too much....but now I realize that I hurt myself b/c I'm sure my H thought I was being unfair to his mother. I don't know how long ago that was with you & your W, but there is a possibility that she still resents what happened. Women will try to push down resentments over a peroiod of time, but then it comes to a boiling point and then it's as if you can do nothing right....(as you experienced). In fact, for some women it is hard to separate some issues and they all begin to blend together. That may be why she's blaming you for things 15 years ago.
Not only do the emotions build up but the behavior also. I am sure she is treating you worse b/c I think whatever is going on with her...she has a lot of guilt also. Guilt makes a person act even worse. Whenever I was feeling guilty over my EA, you would have thought I would have been nicer to my H, but I was worse. He came home early one night and almost caught me on the compter with OM. I kn ew if he saw me all dolled up that he would wonder why, so I would not look at him and I acted as if I was mad at him. So...go figure.
The thing that I'm trying to figure out is why your W left her church. Did you say she left....or changed her belief? Do you know what happened that caused her to do that? You don't have to tell what it is, but if you don't know....then I think it is somehow connected with what is going on with her now. Maybe that was the beginning, but I think it plays a part in this.
Well, I'm going to try to see if I can run down a buddy here on the board and see about telling you some things to do toward busting an A.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
