I agree that Loafer does have some good advice, but as both kat and Kerry have pointed out, it doesn't always fit every situation. In my situation, I do have to be careful to not be "too much of a wuss" and the important thing is for me to continue to have my own life that can co-exist just fine w/or w/out GF. If I can't do that, I'd be staring co-dependency in the face, which is somewhere my unhealthy former self went and I don't wish to return to any time soon...or ever.
This past week, GF had a lot of trouble w/the surgery she had on her finger. She was drained emotionally from it as well as physically from the pain. So, she wanted to have some time to herself this week and I obliged w/out issue. She also was a bit bummed when they removed the bandage from her finger and she saw the scars and discoloration of the finger she had surgery on. It bothers her b/c it is "ugly" right now. I know she's upset and I've been able to give her space to be alone. Honestly, it is the 1st time in a relationship of mine that I've been ok w/stepping back and letting my girlfriend "breathe" w/out me. It is a good feeling to see myself evolving a bit and to know I'm confident enough w/myself to let us have time apart.
Did I miss the contact w/her? Absolutely, but I stayed away not b/c I was playing a game, but b/c it is something that is healthy for us all to do from time to time. The "gift of missing me" is important for not only my situation, but for all of us as we need to spend time apart in order to appreciate the person we're with.
Anyway, she thanked me this week for giving her space and it turned out that it made her want to be w/me more. I went over to see her last night and while she was outside talking w/a friend, I was inside talking w/her brother. She sent me a text asking if I was going to come outside to be w/her. I did go outside, but not right away. Why did I wait? I think it is important to be an individual and be able to see that I can exist w/out being tied to someone's hip. Why did I end up going? B/c she wanted me to go out and be w/her and join the conversation? No. I went outside b/c I wanted to be w/her.
To me it makes a big difference and shows that I'm ok w/myself and am not a "clinger" who is super needy of attention.
This may read as me playing a "game" but I really disagree. Instead it is me growing up and maturing to the point where I can resist my ingrained habits that were detrimental in my past relationships.
Ultimately, as a relationship develops, there is more of a set, defined role that takes place and I think we're moving in that direction. Kalni mentioned that GF may be gun-shy about opening up to me b/c she's had trouble w/relationships in the past and I completely agree. I am firmly confident that I am a total 180 from any and all guys she's been w/before and that completely scares her. She's mentioned it casually that "that's how they all start out" and "that's what they all say at first" so I get the strong feeling that she's afraid I'll turn out to be "just like all the rest of them." Kalni also asked if I was GF's rebound, which I may be, but I won't know for sure until more time has passed.
Now, I'm also being careful b/c she may be testing me and in the end, she may never be able to open up completely. If that is the case, I'll be ending this one and moving on. However, I won't really know this for sure until some more time has passed. I feel as if we're progressing, I honestly do feel we're growing together, but if things don't continue to evolve, I'll know it is time to move on.
Another point about letting her miss me is today when I got home, I had trouble w/my cell reception and it wasn't until I shut the phone off and turned it back on that I received the 3 texts she sent me. The first thanked me for coming over last night, then she sent a text after her nap to see what I was doing and another 1/2 hour later or so, she sent another one to see if I was ignoring her.
I laughed at the last one and sent her back a reply asking if she was missing me or something to which she replied "maybe" w/a smile. So, I know she is missing me and that is a good sign for her b/c she has been so guarded w/her emotions in the past.
I am frustrated in a sense that she isn't more open w/her feelings b/c that is the type of person I am...we Scorpios are very upfront w/our feelings. So, to hold back has been difficult for me, but again, I've been involved w/disfunctional relationships in the past and they've never been like this. My T told me if a relationship feels good and comfortable to me, I should be very wary and possibly run b/c "good and comfortable" in my experiences haven't been healthy. So for something to feel odd isn't that bad b/c it may be that I'm finally going about things the right way.
I'd love to be making love to her right now, but she's not ready for that step. Don't get me wrong, as we fool around quite a bit and have knocked on the intercourse door many, many times. However, she's not comfortable right now, so I'm not going to push it. This is another area where I can feel we're getting much, much closer, but if she doesn't want it, I don't either. It isn't a one-way street nor should it be. If it is meant to be, the wait will be well, well worth it.
I'll close by saying that I've been doing a lot of horoscope reading and the signs, moons, compatability thing is interesting to look at and there seems to be a lot of truth in the descriptions about how both GF and I do things based on when we were born. What I've discovered that my sign is used to being heavily involved in a relationship quickly and will wear our emotions on our sleeves while GF's sign tends to move slowly and very cautiously w/relationships.
The conclusion is that everywhere and everyone I've talked to about the compatability of our signs says that if I can be patient w/how GF operates, we have a chance to develop a wonderful, exciting, long-lasting relationship. If I can't do that and I give into my natural urges concerning being w/someone, GF will hit the trail and run.
So, for now, I'm going to try and be patient, receptive, and open to new ideas. I'm going to listen and read the signs as I see them and continue to throw out my thoughts here as well as w/my RL friends. In the end, if it isn't right, I think I'll know it and be able to walk away.
For now, I don't feel the need to go away, but do feel the need to continue to build my own life about me that GF will be included into (and vice-versa). A healthy me will not only be more confident and attractive, but he will be able to understand, pin-point, and recognize the warning signs that say this should end as well as the positives that say this should continue.
So, I'll just keep reading signs, practicing being a better, more complete me, and posting my inner thoughts, questions and concerns to my wonderful DB friends to get your valued insight into my post-divorce life as I near the end of my 30s.
Thank you all. I love and respect every syllable that you send to me.
