#66 Looking for Susnhine...

[BobbiJo]

Ok it wasn't a trip to Venice, but...

wasn't he 'fighting' you? Like you said you wanted him to?

Something my H never did. Telling you how she meant nothing, she was over to him no matter what, you are the most important person in his life, etc etc.

You wanted him to 'fight' for you, and he is fighting your decision to divorce.

Thought that was what you wanted???

[Kalni]

Depends what you call fighting. Sitting down, looking the other way, with no emotion, determination or anything similar... He told me he would do what he can, not what it takes. I pointed out the difference, subtle but huge.

No Bbj, he is not fighting, he is stalling.
K

[Kalni]

And I wanted him to fight for me, months ago. Things changed.

[BobbiJo]

Thanks for the details, K. You hadn't mentioned the 'defeated' body language in the prior post. Or I missed it. I just 'saw' that he argued with you about getting the D, was saying things to the effect that he didn't want to lose you.

But I do know in my own case they were words with no connected actions. You know your H best...

[RefuseToLose]

Sunshine,

This is what I've been talking about:

BTW, he could still change my mind. In a dreamworld, if he fought and resisted and showered me with flowers, poems, letters, purses and shoes, booked a romantic trip to Venice, quit his job, cried and begged, then I would agree to try again. I am a material girl, what can I say?

These would be ACTIONS and a show of real commitment from him.

I understand what you are saying about the financial part of a D in Greece and I would recommend you continuing to pursue this w/him to get him to move on it.

However, in fairness to him (even if he doesn't deserve it, you may want to consider it...and I know you've already bent over backwards too much), would you consider telling him after he files that he "has one year to make you change your mind"?

Also, can you demand he goes back to therapy as well? Even if you don't make it through this (and the odds are long that you can right now), he needs to get himself healthy in the head in order to provide correctly for your kids and be the father they need.

I know you may say that you've "done all of this already" but I am just asking you to consider it b/c if this was needed to be put into play one last time and it happened to save your M, isn't it worth a shot? If all it does is confirm your beliefs and strengthens your own resolve, isn't it worth saying, bluntly and directly again? If it makes your stbx a better, more confident and healthy man even if you two are no longer married, wouldn't it be worth putting out there for the sake of your kids?

I could be way off and as always, just take what I say and use the usable while tossing the rest, my friend.

RTL

[Kalni]

Rob, I am not going to wait another year... I cant. I am at the end of my rope here. Not regarding him, regarding me and my future. I feel lonely, I feel I NEED that emotional & physical connection with a man older than 8 years old. Unfortunately, I may need to wait more than year since the dating scene is pretty dead here, but at least I could give it a try... No matter what I tell him, he has the opportunities and the time to do as he wishes. I am not dictating to him what he should do.

Today my S turned 8. stbxH call around 2 and asked if I wanted to go for lunch with the kids. I said I had already grilled some lamb chops and said he was welcome after the 30 secs silence from his part.

He came and we had lucnh. I had a splitting headache and went to my room. He spent the time with the kids.

Later I was laying on the couch and my son was beside me and I tried to rub his feet with mine. Well, stbxHs arm was there and I didnt realise I was rubbing him. When I did, I jumped up and got red and said I am very sorry. It was funny and also shocked him cause I was so upset by it. I was. Didnt want to get any ideas in his head.

He was sad today.Offered to check my head for lice and wanted me to check his. His hair is thick and turning white. I said "wow, had forgotten how thick your hair is" which somehow sounded as if so much has happened and there is such a big distance between us...

Is this normal? To know that he lied and cheated on me and still be so polite and accepting? Somethings is really twisted here.
K

[mishka422]

I'd say it's normal K. He burned you, hurt you, made you crazed.....but he didn't destroy you. You are able to be near him and interact with your kids with him because you forgave him. I'm not saying that you forgave what he did, just that you generally forgave him because it was best for you to do so. That makes it easier to be around him and be friendly. NOT FRIENDS though. Understand?

[RefuseToLose]

Sunshine, my dear.

I'm not saying you should wait another minute for him. I was merely going off of the fact that in Greece, you said it takes a year for the D to finalize. That said, I'm saying that he would then have a year to prove to you that you should cancel the M.

I was saying to tell him exactly what needed to happen one last time and then it is up to him. As for you, in the meantime, you'll move forward w/out thinking about him or feeling you are "waiting" for him.

If he acts, then that is great, however, in the meantime, you may find yourself involved w/someone new and then it will truly be too late for stbx.

Wait? No! No! No! Never wait for him. Instead, file, give him very, very clear instructions as to what was missing and let him know you are moving on. From there, he has a year to either try to prove his love to you and your importance to him or not.

Regardless of what stbx chooses to do w/the information, you'll move on and he'll have a choice to make.

So, I guess I'm saying to continue to do whatever you can to get the D in motion. From there, you move forward and the clock is ticking on any hope (however slim) stbx has to prove himself to you.

Does that make any sense?

RTL

[BobbiJo]

What RTL said...

Hope it is a sunny afternoon in Athens. I had to laugh at you rubbing stbx's arm with your foot. Last night H was complaining about insulation pieces sticking to him from working on his house and I reached out and brushed off his arm without even thinking about it...

I am glad your son had a great birthday. My S7 would love to have a DS.

[mishka422]

My son has a DS. It's the bain of my existence! He tries smuggling it to school every now and then so I now keep it in my car during the week so he doesn't have the opportunity. He's a sneaky thing!