Aww Fixer, don't let life pass you by while you're waiting on your W. Get busy doing things with your D11, have some fun! See things you want to see, do things you want to do. Your W can choose to come with you, or not, but don't let that stop you from living your life to the fullest! If you're sitting around gloomy and being a worry wart how is that attractive to your W or your D11? Just as important, don't let D11 be deprived of having family fun with you and doing cool stuff with her dad.
One of the things I am grateful for from living thru this is that I made some cool plans for things that H would never want to do anyway so I just went ahead and did some without him.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I thought I should write some positives that I've seen in my stitch. For one in the past my W would ignore me. If I asked her for help with something she would come up with a reason to say no. Today, I asked for help with something and she came right over. Another positive is she now kisses me. They aren't passionate or anything spectacular. Usually, it's with tight lips and there's always this awkwardness. I remember mentioning in many of my posts how she refused to kiss me.
We still don't get along. Working on my GAL is making her mad. I've been going out without her and it's making her angry. She lays on the couch all night watching TV until she falls a sleep.
The order of importance to her... Friends, TV, drinking our D11 but not me.
You are a better man than me. I see alot of similarities in your situation as in mine. My W dropped the bomb in May of this year. No hugs, physical touching at all. In fact, she gets anxious and shakes if I just touch her arm. The joke the other night when I put my ego on the shelf and said why don't we just try to hug, I got, I can hug you as a friend. I felt like saying F'U. But I didn't. At the same time, my 3 sons over heard our discussions and cried for the next hour.
I don't know how you have done this for 5 years. You sound like a stand up guy who has gone well beyond what most men can tolerate. My wife and I are going to Retrouville end of October. I have told my W as well that I don't see staying together for the kids is a viable option. For them to grow up in a family where the husband and wife don't show each other love doesn't help. The kids see it already. Retrouville is about getting past the past. I hope she can. If she can't, I don't think I can live like this. I have told the W if this goes to Divorce, I will get two weeks a month and you get two weeks. She has agreed thus far.
I have made the changes, she has noticed and said why the threat of divorce to make you change. The changes are what she always wanted--Now I get "it is too little to late, I can forgive but not forget." You know what, I wasn't a bad guy. I don't think you are a bad guy. We made the changes that make us happy that we can really stick with and not go back in 6 months. They see it as well. I know that you can't set timeframes with your W. Clearly you haven't. I just can't see myself sitting on this website in a year hoping my wife turns around. I guess that is easy for me to say now. You have lived it for 5 years. I am sure it will be different in 6 months. But, I think if this isn't better by xmas or I see some positive steps from her, I have to move on. Maybe that will be the thing to shake her up. Jack 3 is right, if you have a deadline, you have to be able to see it through. Maybe this is all tough talk on my part...I am angry as you can tell.
Fixer you have more patience than I have ever seen. Your daughter will one day see the sacrifices you have made. But don't lose your sense of self, don't sell your soul. I sometimes feel I have done that. Your daughter and my 3 sons will see that someday we made these sacrifices.
It sounds like my W and your W will not get better until something shakes them to the core. Maybe sitting alone in a house will be just that thing.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
No, nothing really happened to her. I think it is just that any physical touching between us just gets her anxious. At least that is what she said. I actually said on Wednesday, lets try to at least hug each other. I got, "just as friends".
We have married for 15 years--Up until the day before the bomb was dropped, there was intimacy...I think it is her way of separating her whole self from me. We took another step back today. She was out till 2am again last night. We go to my son's football game. I hear on the sidelines telling someone about where should would like to move someday. It just aggravated me. I didn't say anything. Just came home and I was acting distant.
We were supposed to go to her niece's bday party this afternoon. I was dressed and ready to go when she said, "Are you going or what" in a mean tone. I am just sick and tired of her treating me like crap through this. I can only take so much. I just said no and she left with the kids.
She then called me controlling, etc....I just replied I am not your doormat.
I am 5 months into this mess. I can't tell you how I want out of this pain. I want out of this situation. My kids are keeping me here for now. I Love my old wife. I don't love this one. I am starting to despise her. I have taken so many things from her over the past 5 months. She actually said to me Wednesday in quite the patronizing voice, do you want me to baby you and tell you everything is going to OK--not going to happen.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
I'm sorry to hear about your stitch. It's not easy dealing with a w who only cares about themselves. Your lucky she's willing to go to Retroville. I asked my W and she was dead set against going. So good luck and God Bless you two with the retreat.
Here's what I can tell you about 5 years. It hurts everyday, even when you GAL. Somehow it gets turned around and you become the selfish one. Lately, I've been feeling more the physical pains of a bad relationship. There's this constant aching in the chest that lasts for hours and only goes away when you sleep. Then when you wake up it returns. For 5 years my dreams have been my only realtionship with W. I would sleep late during the weekends thinking it was better than getting my butt out of bed. I know I was a fool to base my life on dreams.
My advice is to GAL and make sure it doesn't take over your life.
