I have another thread "H w/1 Foot Out The Door" on the newcomers forum. We went to our Retrouvaille weekend last week and have had "homework" to do all week that involves communicating through a technique called dialogue. Last night the question was "How do you feel About attending The Follow-up Retrouvaille session on Saturday" his answer was. "I feel hopeless like there is no hope whatsoever. I feel like I am in a ball game and the score is 10 to 0 bottom of the 9th and there's only 1 batter left. There is no chance to win so why even try. If my feeling was a color it would black like a hole that's covered with dirt that I can't get out of without any light anywhere. Looking for light is even pointless because you are so far underground that light has no possibility to exist. My feeling of hopelessness on a scale of 1 - 10 is an 11.
The night before the question was "Think of a time you would like to go back to with your spouse. How do you feel when you think about that time". His response was "I'm thinking of our wedding. I feel depressed like a man who has the only losing lottery ticket and all the others are winners. The color of my feelings would be the blue and red on a cop car flashing it's warning saying "Stop right there, dont' go any further" My feelings of depression on a scale of 1 - 10 is a 10.
Please tell me how I am supposed to react to this. I know I'm supposed to "act as if" but those are so blantently telling me that he is "gone" in such a horrible hurtful way that its really hard to not react. Do I just go on just doing my thing as I have been? He says he's still going to the Retrou follow-up session tonight but he is not going to save his marriage, he's going like the way he would go to an Opera. He hates the music, isn't interested in the words but is curious how an opera works.
I'm just to frustrated and lost. WE were doing so well and now after our session he's going out iwth all his single guy friends and he's taken off his wedding ring which he put back on a few weeks ago. He even went back to sleeping on the couch last night. Am I supposed to act like none of this is registering with me? Please tell me what I'm supposed to do!! I really need some help.
Peace,
Gina
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
It does sound like he isn't even interested in trying, at this point. On the other hand, I think he may be lying to himself a little. Otherwise, why go to the Post session?
I think I would stay pretty quiet, and not react. He might be testing you, trying to get you to react negatively, so he can say, "I told you so".
I'd tell him enough with the f*cking stupid similes.
Because what I notice in those responses is that there's not a single actual feeling reported. It's all this bizarre, indirect, "I feel like mango juice" / "where is blue" / "how is down?" abstract bullsh*t where you're the one who's supposed to fill in the blanks, which simply relieves him of the responsibility of doing the work.
Ok..we're in the thick of it. He has now refused to go to the post session. His wedding ring is off and is icy like a polar bear. He says he needs to talk to me later when DD goes to Mema's. Says that he can't say what he has to with her around. I have a feeling the Bomb is being dropped for a second time and there will be no going back for him. I have no idea how I'm supposed to handle that and I'm doing all I can to keep it together. I'm trying not to project but all signs are pointing just the way they pointed the last time the bomb was dropped. I'm really trying not to be frightened. I'm actually feeling so helpless and angry at him for doing this to our daughter if he really does want out and means it this time. He's very ill mentally, he needs so much help. UGH...
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
It seems like dialogue is working against you. Maybe he is just anti-dialogue. Let it go for now, and go to the Retrouvaille session. Maybe you can talk to someone there about how to proceed. I do agree with Smiley that he is not giving you genuine answers, he is doing easy answers to show he is smart and can manipulate the system. Don't be afraid to take one of the leaders aside at Retrouvaille and ask for help.
I went to Retrouvaille a few years ago. My husband was anti the dialogue just because he didn't want to be bothered. He didn't sabotage it, but he refused to do it every night. We came to an agreement to do it 3 times a week. Sometimes it was hard to get even that much, but since he'd agreed to it, most of the time he would do it.
I'm trying not to project but all signs are pointing just the way they pointed the last time the bomb was dropped. I'm really trying not to be frightened. I'm actually feeling so helpless and angry at him for doing this to our daughter if he really does want out and means it this time. He's very ill mentally, he needs so much help. UGH...
From what you say, it sounds like he's more depressed more than anything. Nothing you can do about that. He needs to help himself.
Is he having an EA or PA do you think?
If he drops the bomb, you know the drill. No chasing, begging, pleading, or attempts at logic or reasoning. Drop the rope. Focus on you and your daughter. Detaching is so important for you, b/c you have to try to keep his depression from effecting you as much as you can.
Don't pin all your hopes on Retro. I know it's good (from what I hear around here), but it's not the end of the world or your marriage if he doesn't attend. I would apply no pressure for him to attend if he doesn't want to. Say ok and go do some GAL.
We did go to retro and it seems like the dialogue has "done" something to him and triggered a cycle. He is bi-polar and unmedicated. If the bomb is dropped I will do my best to not react in a non-DB way. I've been through this before and didn't act the way I should've. However, he has said before that he's waiting until I can "deal" with all of this before he leaves. So, it seems like the more "ok" I am about it the more ok he will be with leaving but I just have to do what I have been told works and the DB way seems to work.
I did pin all the hopes and dreams on retro and now that we ae through the weekend and something in his has "snapped" I'm really feeling pretty hopeless. Thanks for all of the help and encouragement throughout this day. It's seemed like eternity until our "talk". I have no idea when it will be but we shall see, won't we. This is hard. I am really sad..like heartbreaking in two sort of sad. More for my daughter than anyone. He is just so mentally ill that he can't see that none of what he is feeling is about me or the marriage. he's ill and needs help.
Thanks to everyone...peace to all
Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
He has had an EA that turned PA. I have no idea how much of that may or may not have resurfaced.
Thanks for your feedback, it was very helpful.
Gina B
M 43 H 34 D 4 H asked for D on 6/21/09:1st D mediation 7/27;D says he wants to try 8/18; *I will stumble, I will fall down but I will not be moved.(N.Grant)
