Anyway, this is something I cannot accept, that I cannot control, and makes me feel pathetic that I still want my W back. I know in her mind, she's filed for divorce and probaby feels that she's not accountable to me, all the while needs to keep the peace.
As hard as this is to deal with, I recognize that I cannot focus on it. If I make it an issue, I give it more energy, W feels like she's got to reassure me, I look weak. If I say "you're lying," she just says "you don't trust me." Then she moves on to, let's just alternate weekends without having to tell each other what we're doing, because that's the way it's going to be anyway when this is done.
I've felt like that too. But I think most of us here are just really loving, loyal and take our marriage vows seriously kind of people. The opposite of pathetic.
Couple thoughts I had while reading your post. The first that comes to mind is "Cheaters always lie". I've seen that many times, and I think it's true.
I do think you're questioning her about the OM and not doing anything when she lies to you is not a good strategy. Either drop it if you're not willing to set and maintain any boundaries, or set and maintain boundaries about what you find acceptable. I think it sounds like from what you say that your W is cake-eating and I don't think that strategy usually ever works.
I also tend to disagree with what your counselor is saying. You've met with her once now? I think she might have a better advice/counsel after she has met with you for a month or two hopefully. She seems to be suggesting more of the same, what you've been already been doing. I know when I first started reading your posts, I had one idea of you, you very much painted yourself as a self-involved workaholic. I have gotten a much different picture of you as a very loving family guy in the past couple months though. Do you have an appt. with her this week to update her about your sitch?
And btw, my idea about why your W was acting closer was b/c you did go out and GAL by going to that meeting, and she prob. wanted to reassure herself that you were still fully there for her when she feels like cake-eating, getting your emotional support, etc.
