I agree Coach. And, as my friend pointed out to me, he's been chipping away at me. She could see it coming...because I had said I wanted him to ask me out and he was asking me out over and over. He said words that implied that he was closer to where I would want him if I was going to have any kind of relationship which would be starting anew and honest. He was saying that he just wanted me there with him and posting pictures of the family and his vibe had changed. But, the sad reality is that our sex life was so jacked up in the M and there was so much damage done, while I have worked so hard and made so many changes that would lead to me experiencing it differently, in the 10 months since he left, he has done nothing that would keep his demons at bay. He hasn't changed. So, to have an intimate experience (despite the fact that I think, "he's a guy, he'll dig this") in reality, he is a child emotionally and he can't handle the intimacy.
So, back to reality. Yes, the money thing gave me a sense of relief mostly because I can start my own process. And, I know full well that he may drop the ball but it is a start. I think it was a factor but not the factor in my caving in. I think I caved because he gave me what I've said I wanted...a lot of attention, a lot of invitations and a very simple honest profession of his desire to be with me. That was huge because up until then, he's tried to be so cool and aloof about his invitations.
Anyway, I am pulling it together. I hate that the old feelings of wanting our family together are bombarding me (especially in my dreams)...but I'm functioning with the brutal reality.
