Thought we'd made some progres Thurs / Fri. Thursday we shared some minor intimcay, after which she cried a little, said that I only want her when she talks about divorce, when she's "forbidden fruit", then if she came back it would just go back to the way it was. Friday morning, she wasn't getting up so I popped in to wake her - she pulled back the covers for me to get in, and we spent some time together.
She appeared to be confused and conflicted about this (and I mean that in a good way). She responded to it, within her boundaries. Said, I'm going to have to journal about why I'm letting you do this... It certainly affected her. She joked at one point that we could get divorced and be lovers. What a strange thing to say.
Counciller said, this is going to be the only way, working on the intimcay connection, and I know last time we went through this, that was the breakthrough. And she said this is different than pursuit.
But now she's away for the weekend, and I know she's not where she says she is. I know she's seeing this other guy. I've seen the messages. I talked to her on the phone yesterday, finally said, I shouldn't get into this, but I really hope you're keeping your word to me. And she said, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, I still feel a devotion to you. She said, I'm already dealing with so many things already, I can't take on another attachment, that's why it was so easy to agree to break this off. That's what she said. It was so natural. I wanted to believe her. But I know she's lying. I don't know what she's doing - I want to imagine the best, and I want to imagine the worst.
I don't know if posting this stuff make it better or worse. Seems sometimes like coming to the message board makes me ruminate more. Anyway, this is something I cannot accept, that I cannot control, and makes me feel pathetic that I still want my W back. I know in her mind, she's filed for divorce and probaby feels that she's not accountable to me, all the while needs to keep the peace.
As hard as this is to deal with, I recognize that I cannot focus on it. If I make it an issue, I give it more energy, W feels like she's got to reassure me, I look weak. If I say "you're lying," she just says "you don't trust me." Then she moves on to, let's just alternate weekends without having to tell each other what we're doing, because that's the way it's going to be anyway when this is done.
I read most of "No more Mr. Nice Guy" last night. Some things don't apply, some things do. I certainly have made my wife my emotional center.
I talked to the Retro guy last night, got all the info. Still need to hear back from MIL if she can take the kids. W was concerned if we were going to have to share a room, which is indeed how they have it set up, although we can get seperate beds. Hopefully she doesn't use this as an excuse to pull out. The overall cost (registration + suggested donation) is $700 - again, I hope she doesn't use this as an excuse.
I feel like I'm putting a lot of pressure on mysef here to do things right or wrong - sometimes I feel like I'm taking some risks and I'm clearly "off the reservation", but I also feel like I've got some instincts about what my W is going to respond to.
