My opinion? Not til you're ready to walk out the door.
Judging by his track record he might not say much at first but then he'll wait to the last minute to try a psychological ambush on you again.
I can only tell you that from all my friends that I've watched go through this part...from an abusive person...they get uglier when it's time to go. Not because they care, but because it is somehow a poor reflection of their perfection. How dare you leave?
I want to say that you are handling yourself really well and are a really strong and insightful person. Your assessment of what was said at MC is spot on.
I think you just need to get past "the shoulds"
We talk a lot about that in al anon (codependency)...there is no "should" in what is traumatic. You were crushed that night because you were really doing that against your will, your wishes, your feelings, your desires. The others weren't.
It's difficult after years of someone telling you what you "Should" feel which when you really think about it, is a little nuts of them, isn't it? How can another tell you how you SHOULD feel? Were you raised with that?
My H is like that because his parents will still tell you, if you state your feelings, well, you shouldn't feel that way then.
I agree with breakaway. I'd tell him at the last minute. Even after you are out, if that's possible. The less time he has to "work" you, the better, in my opinion.
I will look at Lost's thread and see if I can find it- thank you. Actually, I do not expect him to make any promises to change, to try to talk me out of it, or get violent- not to say he won't be angry and upset. I think it is far more likely that he will help me out the door- and make sure I take as little as possible.
Since we will have to split our kids time, he is going to have to know where I'm at or how to contact me, right? I don't see a way around that.
I'm calling my cousin this weekend and telling him and his wife the current status, and to see what his availability is this month. I'm glad he's here- he's like a little brother. (My actual bro is in Houston- way too far away) I don't think I'm telling my parents until the last minute so Mom doesn't freak out, and I don't want Dad lifting anything.
The whole situation feels wrong and I'm not sure why. I'm certainly aware of the cr@p he pulls on me.
kid exchanges can happen at school.. so if it's his week-end he gets them at 3pm on Friday from school until 9am on Monday when he drops them back off there. Walmart parking lots or inside the public library are good options as well.
If you are going 'no contact' at least intially, tell the school that so he can't call there & get your information. They have to honor that request.
"Stuff" can be replaced.. I packed personal, irreplacable things (kids baby books, financial records, etc) & removed them from the house a week or two prior to moving out.
I hope for your sake none of this information is necessary & the transition goes smoothly.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Hi SB, FWIW, I think you're heading in the right direction. It's very true that your H's issues are his to take care of - and he will probably need some professional guidance to take care of himself - and you have got to take care of yourself first and foremost.
Not telling him anything until you're out sounds wise. Do the people you work with know what's going on in your life?
BTW...all his antics aside - and given that you're already going to an IC - what are you doing for yourself - not as part of R/M - but just in terms of you? And for you?
I’m glad the surgery went well for you, I hope the rehab does also.
Right now I guess I’m not doing much for me except the IC. (I am crocheting a blanket for my Grandma at the nursing home- does that count?) I used to take part in a martial arts class (Kajukenpo) until I had knee surgery myself a few years ago, and I’ve been considering going back. (I messed up my meniscus during sparring practice.) Our style has a significant judo component to it, so you do get thrown around the dojo quite a bit. After you turn 40, it seems the hardest part is not getting thrown to the floor; it’s the getting back up- over and over and over and over…. I have considered returning, I need to get a good knee brace before I do.
I also considered going to law school. I currently work as a paralegal and I would love to expand my career options. My H has not been supportive of either consideration. I shouldn’t go back to karate because I’ll just hurt myself again, and I shouldn’t go to law school because the kids will be going themselves in a few years, so I should just try to max out what I’m already doing. I couldn’t go without his support, but I am keeping it in the “someday” category. I do recognize that I need to find some GAL activities for myself, so I picked up the catalog for the city’s fitness and activities center for ideas.
Thinking back to my knee surgery- that was probably the only time that I remember H apologizing and meaning it because "I'm sorry" is just not in his vocabulary. The surgery was outpatient, so I was home the same day. That night H noticed that I was snoring a bit and wanted to nudge me to get me to roll over. He was half-asleep himself, and decided that the best way to nudge me was to…..
wait for it….
kick me in the leg that I just had surgery on!!!! I sat up, grabbed my leg, and couldn’t breath, couldn’t scream, nothing… All of a sudden, I hear “I’m sorry!, I’m sorry!” from the other side of the bed. I could tell he meant it, and that was just a dumb-@ss moment.
Contrast that with a year ago- H popped a plastic bag at point-blank rage next to my ear. That hurt like a b!tch!!! It wasn’t the noise volume of the pop, it was the air pressure- I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my ear when he did that. I complained to H that it hurt, bad enough to get me crying in the bedroom away from everyone, and I was told I was too sensitive because it didn’t hurt his ear. There’s a big difference between point-blank and arm’s length when it comes to ears!!! He was really mad at me for being upset with him- when he’s the one who hurt me! He wasn’t about to apologize for the plastic bag because it shouldn’t have hurt. That’s been a typical response from H for a while- he gets mad if I get upset when he pulls sh!t like that. I have learned to try to hide any tears around him, but I’m not always successful- doesn’t matter if they’re from physical pain or insults masked as “jokes”. It’s not funny!
And your second question- I’m not sure how much the kids know. I’m sure our son is probably more than our daughter, but I’m not positive. We haven’t sat them down for a family discussion, and up to now I wasn’t sure if that was something I should try unilaterally. I know it’s at the point that I need to say something to them. Complicating the matter- S18 told me today that he is thinking that he might want to drop out of college. He just got there! Should I put my plans on hold until we get him squared away and calmed down?
H and I talked to S18 this afternoon. He was having a really hard time letting go of his high school buddies, but he realizes that he needs to stay where he is. That's one crisis averted, thank God! I have to drive him back to school this afternoon, so I think I will fill him in somewhat what's going on with me and H during the car ride.
When I packed, I packed in secret - just the emotionally irreplaceable stuff and I hid the boxes in the back of a closet or I took them to my office. I had phones hidden in case I ever needed to call 911. I became very strategic about having car keys and a pair of shoes where I could grab them on the run. I had one suitcase pre-packed and standing in my closet.
When I left (and we're speaking of OM here, not my H) it was a spur of the moment thing. He came home with a bottle and a headstart, so I asked him if drinking was what he planned on doing that night.
OM: Yep.
Dia: Ok. I'm leaving. I will make arrangements to get my things later.
My intuition had been telling me that he would come home violent that night, so my stuff was already in the car, hidden under the cargo deck. I took my purse, keys, shoes and laptop and was in the car and gone before he really understood what was happening.
I packed the rest of my stuff when I knew he was at work, keeping my pattern random so he wouldn't be able to guess when I'd be at the house during the day. He came home a few times at lunch, trying to catch me. The one time he did, I left w/o speaking to him and too quickly for him to do anything about it.
When we finally moved the rest of my stuff out, my whole family came and we cleared me out of the house in about 3 hours. He wasn't there.
During this time, we communicated only by email or text, mostly by text and mostly it was him berating me for something every time he could tell I'd been in the house - leaving a light on, taking a book he thought was his, etc. He does not know where I am at present, though he may have guessed. The forwarding address I gave him is to my parents' house.
Once I was out, I felt a freedom and euphoria that I can only liken to drugs (though I've never tried any) that lasted for about two weeks. I felt instantly more confident and self-contained and these feelings continued to strengthen after the euphoria wore off. I do not miss him. Not at all. I also do not ever want to hear from him again and I have not once regretted leaving. In fact, once I was out, it was abundantly clear that I should have left much, much sooner. (Ok, I should never have gotten involved with him in the first place, but that's another story.)
I was terrified right when I left, yes, but that was gone very quickly - within 48 hours, I think. For the first week or so, I hid my car in my parents' garage and was careful about going out to the community pool or hot tub. I kept the blinds drawn and the doors closed and locked. I knew he probably knew where I had gone, but I still thought it better not to leave obvious signs that I was in the house at any given time. This lower level fear wore off after about a week or so, esp. once my parents had come back from their vacation. Kidlet had been sent to his father for safe-keeping as I knew this was coming, though I wasn't certain about exactly when or how.
You may think some of our suggestions are overkill, but please err on the side of keeping yourself safe.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Thanks, I am trying to gather up the emotional, sentimental stuff over the next few days, and I was thinking along the same lines, moving it to my office for the short-term.
Any ideas on what I should be saying to the kids? Our daughter turns 17 this week, and our son will be 19 in November, so we're not dealing with little ones here. I talked to S18 briefly in the car while driving him back to college, started with saying that Dad and I were seeing a MC.
Why, is everything OK?
We're talking. Have you noticed any issues between me and Dad?
Not really
Oh, ok... well, I wanted to make sure that our problems weren't contributing to you being upset this weekend.
Nope, I had no idea.
And it ended there. I didn't know what else to do with it.
I want to give D16 a heads-up also- somehow, I don't think she is being any more perceptive than our son was. She was asking this weekend about rearranging the basement to suit her needs more now that S18 is mostly gone. Either H and I hide our problems well, or the kids are in their own little teen-age universes, not paying attention to much outside their social circles. It's probably some of both.
