Help Me Bust My Divorce

[Fightin4mywife]

can't speak to her at all. She refuses. "Talk to my attorney". Of course when I do then she hammers me about costing her more money.

I have no choice regarding payment as it is order of the court. Judge was very unfair.

I ceased arguing and defending months ago. I take responsibility for my wrongs; I own them as often as she wants to bring them up. I love and forgive her. I bless her.

[Fightin4mywife]

Have tried to talk to her about a solution. Her response: "I can't help you; this is the judges decision; can't go against the court."

Her suggestion about increasing income is for me to work second and third job. I work 56 hrs already and am about to start up an annual, seasonal business that will help, but at which I'll spend another 40-50 hrs a week. Her idea is that I take another job at night. She works 40 hrs.

She is very selfish right now. It breaks my heart. I've never seen her like this before. I swear she would cut my heart out if she could get a dollar for it.

plus my response to robx

[Fightin4mywife]

I have no concern about her being on this forum. She doesn't need help. Only myself. After all I broke this relationship all by myself. By the way I don't argue with her about that. I agree with her. I can laugh about it away from her, its so ridiculous.

She has no clue about DBing. Besides, if she even knew how to turn on a computer, she wouldn't be caught dead online as the "web" is the devil.

I love my sheltered little wife. Her paranoias and insecurities are seemingly insurmountable. I know she needs healing and love to move beyond this cr@p. Once there I know she will regret the actions she's taking right now. Bless her heart.

thank you

[Fightin4mywife]

How do we deal with this devastation; this hurt and pain and fear and loneliness? I know I'm a grown man, (49), who should be able to "deal with it," but my 25 yr relationship, kids and all is being stripped from me. My beautiful bride has morphed into a venomous Pit Bull with PMS, entering menopause. And I still love her and want to love her through this. I am so stressed by this I can't sleep or eat well. I don't want to do life without my wife, lover, friend. I hurt.

[JR09]

Jim,
I know the feeling. Lonely, in limbo, and devastated. I'm walking in your shoes. I learned to truly try to take care of myself and stay busy mentally, and physically. Anything to stop thinking too much about the whole situation. I always have it in my mind, but the key is not to obsess about it 24hrs a day. It took me 10 months to get there. But that's just me. It probably varies with other DBers.

I learned,with the help of awesome people like Carlos, Veronica and MichelleLT, to avoid mindreading, avoid assuming whatever my WAW may do or think. The key is to control your emotions and be very patient. It is truly a test of willpower and self control. Your W will say mean words to you through her hurt and anger. I learned to not respond back when my W engages in the same behavior. Doing 180s are crucial.

I hope you will stay focused on your DB journey. It is not an easy task. But I believe it is worth it in the long run. Whatever happens, you'll be a better person for being patient, and loving. Keep posting and stay strong.

JR

[Fightin4mywife]

Thank you. My resolve is just in the toilet. I have a good community of friends, encouragers, and well wishers, including this forum that I've recently discovered. But this pain is so intense I'd really rather lose a limb than experience this. I don't miss my former life, but I miss my wife and kids and the powerful family we could be, knowing what I know now.

[Forrest Gump]

The first thing you need to do is get a handle on yourself.

I had the sneaking idea that she would refer you back to the courts on the judgment thing. Truth be told it is a smart move on her part. You will have to prove undue stress to the courts. As a topic of conversation.. I suggest you drop it. Until you have enough data to convince a court to change its mind.. don't talk about it. Even when you have the data.. don't talk about it.. just do it! Any questions about that subject?

"My resolve is just in the toilet. I have a good community of friends, encouragers, and well wishers, including this forum that I've recently discovered. But this pain is so intense I'd really rather lose a limb than experience this. I don't miss my former life, but I miss my wife and kids and the powerful family we could be, knowing what I know now."

While it is normal to do this.. looking back is never the way to win. No matter what has been/happened in the past.. consider it gone. Imagine she drew a line in the sand. Everything to the right is new.. everything left is gone. You are standing on the line. The choices you make, the things you do, the things you say.. determine which side of the line you are on. Clearly right now you are on the left. If you continue to act in the manner you are.. you will be way to the left. You are chasing her with ever action.. every word. You are hyper focused on the situation and you need to stop. I say this cause I have been way on the other side of the line. I have been where you are. I am here to tell you.. you need to find a way to stop your train of thought's soon. You right now are your worst enemy.

"I found the worlds greatest pastoral counselor."

This is the only solid thing I see for you right now. I went to see my mentor 2-3 times a week. I even called him freaking out in between sometimes. I am so glad he was free..

GAL.. removing your mind from the situation is the best course for you right now. You just have to make the decision to do it.

[Fightin4mywife]

thank you.

[antlers]

How do we deal with this devastation; this hurt and pain and fear and loneliness? I know I'm a grown man, (49), who should be able to "deal with it," but my 25 yr relationship, kids and all is being stripped from me. My beautiful bride has morphed into a venomous Pit Bull with PMS, entering menopause. And I still love her and want to love her through this. I am so stressed by this I can't sleep or eat well. I don't want to do life without my wife, lover, friend. I hurt.

Hey Fightin4my wife -

"I know the feeling. Lonely, in limbo, and devastated. I'm walking in your shoes. I learned to truly try to take care of myself and stay busy mentally, and physically. Anything to stop thinking too much about the whole situation. I always have it in my mind, but the key is not to obsess about it 24hrs a day. It took me 10 months to get there. But that's just me. It probably varies with other DBers.

I learned,with the help of awesome people like Carlos, Veronica and MichelleLT, to avoid mindreading, avoid assuming whatever my WAW may do or think. The key is to control your emotions and be very patient. It is truly a test of willpower and self control. Your W will say mean words to you through her hurt and anger. I learned to not respond back when my W engages in the same behavior. Doing 180s are crucial.

I hope you will stay focused on your DB journey. It is not an easy task. But I believe it is worth it in the long run. Whatever happens, you'll be a better person for being patient, and loving. Keep posting and stay strong." - JR09


This is outstanding advice, and so true. We know how you feel...devastated. Believe us when we tell you it will get better...but it takes time, and you can't speed it up! Please do what you are being told here. You will be better off if you do.

[antlers]

Thank you. My resolve is just in the toilet. I have a good community of friends, encouragers, and well wishers, including this forum that I've recently discovered. But this pain is so intense I'd really rather lose a limb than experience this. I don't miss my former life, but I miss my wife and kids and the powerful family we could be, knowing what I know now.

Whatever we focus on, we empower and enlarge. Good multiplies when we focus on it. Negativity multiplies when we focus on it. The choice is ours...which do we want more of?

For your own sake, you need to let her go. In your mind and soul, let her go. It's a decision. IT'S CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ANYBODY OTHER THAN YOURSELF. It's not giving up, it's not losing hope, it's not to stop loving her. It's simply what I capitalized above. The irony of a situation like this is...you have to do the same things regardless of how things turn out...either way! To reconcile with her, successfully, you have to do the same things that you would have to do to make it if things don't work out! So, it makes no sense not to do the work...you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. DB like a mofo...regardless!