Thanks for all the (((HUGS)) It feels so good to come here and be comforted by you girls who know what I'm going through.
I have decided to sit down and respond to each one of his allegations. Then I will turn it in to my attorney. I also want her to be aware that he is a writer and a schmoozer. He has been in the public eye for a long time, and most everyone in this town knows who he is. What he does takes a lot of schmoozing and over the years, he became very good at it. I'd love to tell you what he does, but I'm afraid it would give me away if he ever found out about this site.
He is not working today, and he left early on the Harley. I watched him walk out wearing the shirt, jeans, and probably the underwear that I bought him. Probably the skank called and said "Come hither big boy!" I don't really know, just speculating.
He sat out in the dark in the backyard for a while last night. Any other time I would have joined him. I thought maybe he was waiting for me to join him, but I didn't. The way things have been going around here lately, I might have walked out there and he would be texting or talking to skank. Mmmm.... Maybe he was looking for the mothership! I can only imagine.
I'm going to meet with my fav christian friend today, and go to my schools football game tonight. As for the rest of the weekend, I don't know. H has turned so ugly lately. I wonder what he will be pulling out of his bag of tricks next.
So H comes home after being out on the Harley all day. He changed his clothes and was back out the door within five minutes. While walking past me heading for the door, he said " Off and running!" To which I said " Uh huh!" in a sarcastic tone.
He is like a teenager now! I immediately started thinking he never used to take me anywhere on a friday night. I would want to go out and do something and he would be too tired.
So he's off and running to be with the skank. I wanted so bad to say " Aren't you getting tired running all over town with a skank?" I came really close.
So... I'm left standing in the kitchen while he goes off to spend his time and money with a skank on a friday night. This is so hard. This hurts so much. I keep asking myself what in the world I ever did to deserve this in my life.
You did NOT do anthing to "deserve" this type of behavior, MJ. This is NOT you, its....him. It's HIS issue. It's just that you are married to him and he CAN take his immaturity/MLC out on you.
I go thru this question and answer myself...everyday....every single damnn day! But, all we can do is learn from this...for example, we can be more independent and explore other interests in life, instead of the the interest of "marriage" or "husband" or "being a good wife". But that is you ADAPTING to what life throws at you....its not anything you "DESERVE". Its hard. I feel your pain, MJ...
The thing that I can find fault in...is not catching my marriage as it was starting to fail initially (the first red flag that you can think of now, sitting and pondering and examining your life) .....I let our communication drop down to zero. In retrospect that was the death of us. But, I am a human, I make mistakes....
You are an amazing woman and your husband is right now, in the slumps, with a ton of other MLCers!
Keep faith, my friend, that God is trying to help us better ourselves and our lives in some way. Have a wonderful weekend. Try to find some small joy in your day. I enjoyed playing around with my plants today...even with seeing my home clean and organized. Lots of good vibes are being sent your way!
I know that you must grieve and vent but I think that you have gone back to where your eyes are on your H too much. The reality is what it is. However. REALITY IS NOT FINALITY. Try taking your gaze off H. The road you are travelling is not easy but YOU can make it easier on yourself. Do not sit and watch his movements as if you were watching an episode of a bad soap opera.Do not note what he is wearing or what time he goes out. Do not stand in the kitchen or stand watching him in the backyard. You leave him at home. You be the one "Off and running" sometimes. It WILL give you back power. I think that we give them a lot of power by noting their moves. Let us not do it any longer.
Yes, you must grieve. Yes, you are human and will feel pain. But IMHO you will feel a lot better if you step back a little. I know that you are GALing but I would say that you should start leaving him at home or just not being there when he comes in. This is for your PMA! If you are out before he leaves, you can't note what he is wearing or what time he leaves. If you leave him at home it is another chance for him to see you stepping out dressed up and looking like the bomb.
Just a few suggestions and not a 2x4. Leave H and OP in the capable hands of Jesus and take care of you.
Thanks for your comforting words (again), and your good vibes. They are very much appreciated believe me.
I am so disappointed in myself for losing my focus. I believe when I got that awful projection letter is when I started turning my eyes back on H and the circumstance. Then if that wasn't enough, he contacted my attorney with his response after many months. It was two big blows real close to one another. I was getting mentally exhausted.
I need to remember that H is not himself right now. He is in MLC and his every action has shown that. Will he even remember in the future he was acting like this.
I'm back! I have reset my focus and I am looking up.
Thank you for chiming in and reminding me that my focus needed to be readjusted. Since getting that eight page projection letter from my H, and then him contacting my attorney with his response letter after all these months I started looking again at the circumstance.
I loved your REALITY IS NOT FINALITY
My eyes are focused up once again. I must not forget who is holding me with HIS right hand.
I spent some time today reading through your situation. You sound so positive. How are things going for you now?
I know it is hard to keep focused. Sometimes you start the day focused and wham! You eyes are back on to the drama. But keep them on the prize!
How are things going for me? Some small positives but we never seem to get a consistent moving upwards. It is always fits and starts. We both have very busy schedules and sometimes we just seem to be passing each other in the hallway. BUT, he did buy me some small gifts of late and gifs are his LL. AND, when I detach i.e no e-mailing when we are on business trips, no texting, he does seem to COME TOWARDS me. Because deep in the recesses of his brain he may wonder if I am checking out. He is also just generally nicer like offering to run some of my errands and other little things which I never asked him to do. Lately, he is at home earlier and more often. So, there are some small positive signs. I am looking for consistent actions on both our parts. I also still have some growing to do in terms of some personal challenges I have always had in our R. How would I be different in our new R? How would I be better at areas which he had valid concerns about? The evolution is slow but you gotta run the race well and with endurance right?
As for being positive, I do fall into slumps sometimes but thankfully they never last too long. I can get very Woe is Me and Its My Pity Party and I'll Cry if I Want To. Focusing on what H is doing can drive me into a slump depending on how he is acting. So the answer is simple. Don't focus. So simple and so true. Generally I try to just work on myself and becoming the confident, compassionate, loving kind of woman I want to be. And if H loses out, well, his loss.I know that I am the real prize, not the booby prize. I can't do him , I can only do me. (No puns intended there!!:).
Looking foward to my vacation which is in a couple of weeks, so that is also keeping me postive!
How are you doing today? I know how hard it is to keep that focus where it needs to be (having a hard time with this myself this week) and you did have two big things thrown at you in a short period of time - the letter and the communication with the lawyer.
I hope you are able to enjoy today and do something fun!
I'm feeling stronger today. I had a few distractions, but my focus is on HIM once again. I am working on praising GOD for what HE is doing now that I can not see. I know he has awesome plans for me and I need to trust HIM. I need to remember to live by FAITH and not by sight.
I went to church this morning and got excited again. I sang real loud and prayed real hard.
H left when I was getting ready for church, and he was still not home when I got back. My friend thinks my "light" has been shining too bright for him. So he keeps running because it's blinding him. That's alright. I'll continue to dodge his fiery darts and respond back in love with the strength of GOD.
