Leaving the Land of Insanity...

[BobbiJo]

Ok I am trying to walk forward and leave The Land of Insanity Behind me.

You know, insanity, doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different outcome?

The roles have written themselves by now.
1)After distancing himself, Dan will realize how much he misses Bobbi and their life together. He will share his depression and inner turmoil with Bobbi, vaguely/indirectly indicating his desire to reconcile.

2)BBJ will run in for the rescue, providing Dan with an A-Z checklist for how to 'make things right'.

3)Dan will instantly become paralyzed again with indecision.

4) Bobbi will push for action, time is a-wastin'!

5)Dan will freak out at the 'pressure' and back away again, only to emerge once the dust has settled (and BBJ has distanced herself again). Back to step 1.

Since the colossal meltdown that was Wednesday morning, I haven't contacted Dan for anything. I did give him the petition on Wednesday night, he is to sign the notice in front of a notary and give it back to me.

Sydney asked to call her Daddy last night and when she called she asked if he could come and watch her dance before bed. For the three WHOLE days we were 'piecing', he was here every night watching her put on a dance show before bedtime.

He didn't come, but that was ok. She danced for me anyway.

I found a counselor I want to get in with. Her practice has a handful of counselors actually. They are Christian counselors with a solution-oriented approach. She is familiar with the "Boundaries" books and even leads seminars on establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.

I still have the desire to drive away from this town and disappear for a day or two. Need to have some mental space. I want to make sure that anything I do is not coming from a place of manipulating Dan to come back, or from a place of trying to punish him for his decision not to try again.

[lonelywolf]

One of the best pieces of advice from DR was (paraphrasing here, since I don't have the book handy): That thing you're doing that isn't working - stop doing it.

A change of tactics has helped me a lot. It hasn't (yet) resulted in reconciliation, but I got access to the kids.

A recognition you need to change tactics is a good thing.

[BobbiJo]

My post above leads me to the questions I have now.

Dan stated in his "dump two for the price of one" e-mail that he was NOT seeking legal counsel. His direct quote from the email:

I will not seek legal support all that is mine is yours take what you wish.

So the question is, how do I go about doing that? Should I just type up a list (I hate the word 'demands') of things I want and give it to him to sign that he agrees? I know I can do a lot of this with my attorney but the more I have ready before I meet with my attorney, the fewer billable hours I will have to pay...

Same thing goes for a visiation schedule. Should Dan and I set/agree to one on our own and then I take that setup to my attorney?

The thing is I know that when we have done some of these things in the past, part of my hope was that facing the cold facts would slap him in the face and wake him up. Now, that is not my intent. I just want to get our affairs in order so we can move forward.

For those who have been divorced, how did you divvy up the furntiure and things? A lot of it is obvious, clothing, cds, movies, etc. And I already packed up half the dishes and cooking stuff when I took Dan's things to the storage shed. Mostly it is tools and furniture at this point. Do I have to write it down and document who takes what for the attorneys or can it be an informal agreement?

Thanks for the input.

[smith18]

Do I have to write it down and document who takes what for the attorneys or can it be an informal agreement?

My lawyer told me that the more you can agree on splitting in an informal agreement, the better. Larger monetary items like vehicles, bank accounts, retirement, houses, mortgage, and debt should to be broken down in the dissolution of marriage judgement.

I let her have all her guns and jewelry which was probably around $20K. But I kept the house and most all possesions in it. I even still have the bicycle I got her for BD and I guess it will be a gift for a future princess of mine.

My personal opionion is to get the parenting plan written and approved first before doing any haggling about division of assets, child support and spousal support.

[kat727]

I think the biggest pain for me has been the parenting schedule. Last year he didn't push/ask for anything extra as he was soo involved with getting on with his girlfriend. Now to probably make himself look better in her eyes he is saying he should get all of the major holidays this year. He uses the county guidelines like a bible but only seems to understand the parts that suit him.

He left most of his things behind except for some of the things I boxed up for him when he first moved out and the clothes I hung out on the railing of the porch.

He says now that he regrets that he didn't ask for more parenting time, I guess that is what happens when you are thinking with the head without a brain.

kat

[Virtually_Handsome]

I did give him the petition on Wednesday night, he is to sign the notice in front of a notary and give it back to me.

I'll lay odds he doesn't do it. Too busy, can't find a notary, forgot....

This is man-of-inaction Dan we're talking about! Then you'll end up paying for the sheriff to do it.

As far as dividing stuff, if you've already done it, at least here, one of the ways to word things was that each of us gets what's in out possession. I don't know if that's an option for you or not. There are still some things not split, but we trust that they will be without spelling them out, and having the court involved. Dan may be a different case.

[ClingingToHope]

We don't have anything really written out. I proposed a monetary figure and have kept up with it. We're splitting weekends with the girls. I get them at least one night a week and once got them twice because she was swamped at work. I see them every day after school because I have the flexible schedule.

I grabbed the things I wanted when I moved out. She's since stacked things up of mine that I didn't take that she wanted me to take. That sucked, but I'm set up pretty well now at my apartment. I actually like it better than our house -- it's cleaner and not so cramped with useless junk.

A friend of mine said when he divorced his wife downloaded a divorce settlement form, they went through it together, agreed on everything, took it to a lawyer who filed it and it cost only $1,200.

In my case, the money part won't end being as easy. I gutted my IRA to finish the basement a couple of years ago after a flood. So I only have $10,000 out of what was $25,000.

She has probably about $40,000 in her retirement account. I don't really want any of it, but I want my grandmother's wedding ring back without a fuss and I don't want to give up any of an investment account I started for us in 2007 that's grown to about $3,800. I plan to use that to help pay down the $15,000 in credit card debts she ran up and I may be stuck with.

Of course, I really just want things to work about between us, but as my DB counselor said, it's going to be longer than a 3-to-6 month fix.

[BobbiJo]

So, I got a surprise $400 check at work today. I still don't quite get how they do teacher paychecks in Iowa. I get my base salary from my district, but the state has 2 additional pools of money they contribute. It is supposed to all go on one check. They screwed up with our previous check, and the supplemental money was left off.

So this time, we got our regular check (direct deposit) and an extra $400 check.

Guess who cashed hers? I figure if it was never deposited I don't have to consider it withdrawn, right? It never existed, or as those Madagascar penguins say

"You didn't see anything...."

Long story short, shopping night!!!

I took myself out for a date this evening while Dan had the kids. Went for a run, then showered up and put on some cute going-out clothes. Dan came and got the kids and I headed out. By the time I got home (almost 11) he was asleep on the floor in the kids' room.

I got a skirt, some boots, 4 pairs of pants and 7 sweaters. Think I got enough??? When I go without kids, I try on everything. My basic rule of thumb was if it looked fun and was something I normally wouldn't try on, I tried it on. And guess what? I bought most of it. Time to broaden my fashion horizons.

Also ordered a necklace, earrings and ring from a co-worker today, she sells Lia Sophia.

I am not normally a shopping kind of girl but this was some fun retail therapy! Now going to finish watching the Grey's Anatomy premier. Taped it b/c I can't watch it in front of my kids. Goodnight!

[smith18]

You are not supposed to have your mid life crisis until your daughter is 16.

Just kidding.

Think of the extra check as stimulus money for the Bobbi Jo project.

[Tomato]

Hi BBJ

Thanks for helping out the economy with your shopping spree. I think that is great that you added a bunch of cutting edge stuff to the wardrobe. Whatever soothes you my dear.

I was just looking at your pics from last month of the fishing excursion with the munchkins. Too cute.

Hugs & prayers dear BBJ. Have a super weekend.

Ted