Why it upsets you to see X in 'the brooms' car, I can't fully answer yet. I can sit here til the cows come home and say that the only thing about OM that upsets me is the unknowing interaction he has daily with my sons.
But writing this now, maybe I just found my answer.
Not only does OM interact with my children on a daily basis instead of me, but he interacts with XW as it should have been with me in front of them?
I think that's it. Epiphany, first thing in the morning.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
See, the broom doesn't interact with Marc on a daily basis, not even on a weekly basis. She is not a person I would willingly associate with and not a person that I want my son around, but I don't have a choice in that. Still no clue why that darned car bugs me, but whatever.
I am writing this from the ER where I have taken my mom. She has been sick for over 3 weeks now with dizziness, nausea, and weakness and I have been trying to convince her to go to her primary care. She finally went this morning and he sent her to the ER because he wanted a CAT scan done along with a bunch of bloodwork that they could get immediate results on. So....been here 5 hours so far and no end in sight.
Marc is at home alone right now. I asked him if he wanted me to call his dad and see if he could come get him, but he said no. He's watching a movie and going to throw a pizza in the oven so he's good.
I started writing the letter again. It is really aggravating me though. There are so many things that I don't want to think about. So many hurts and so much pain that I don't care to put into black and white. There are things I haven't said here that I can't even talk through in my own head. I know I need to get it out to fully let it go, but it's so darned hard!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I hope your Mom is going to be alright. What a long time you have had to be there!!
Don't give up on the letter. I don't see why you couldn't break it down. Do they all have to be to Gabe or can they be to anyone that has hurt you? Let is out. It is all a process.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
She is not a person I would willingly associate with and not a person that I want my son around, but I don't have a choice in that. Still no clue why that darned car bugs me, but whatever.
I hope your mom is doing ok!!! And I hope they can figure out what's wrong.
I have the same feelings or used to anyway. The kids ride around in skank's car sometimes (D9 tells me). The weird thing is that D9 told me a little while back she hates riding around in it b/c it's super dirty and trashed inside and since then I feel less upset about it. I don't get some of these feelings either....
she hates riding around in it b/c it's super dirty and trashed inside and since then I feel less upset about it.
Ohh so true. That's actually 'punishment' by X when the boys 'act up', to go clean OM's POS car.
My S11 made a comment about his PE class and that he'll never be able to run a mile because he thinks he now asthma. I threw the comment, "no, it's probably more emphisema from inhaling all the cigarette smoke in that car than asthma". It's so disgusting, all the windows are so filmy from the smoke. I mean yeah, I smoke too, but only outside, and not in my truck. (I like only haveing to wash my windows once in a great while.)
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Mom is doing better thanks. She is sleeping nearly constantly because both new meds they put her on make you drowsy, but at least she's not dizzy and nauseous.
I've been working on the letter. I was up until 3am Saturday night/Sunday morning trying to write it but just ended up crying until I was hiccupping. That was horrible. I haven't done that in quite a while.
I did spill a lot of the anger into it. I also put in writing several of the incidents early in our M that made me distrust him. I'm pretty convinced that this was most likely not the first PA he had and I know for a fact it's not the first EA as I had caught him in one a couple of years before the bomb. You know, all in all, he was real piece of work.
Why the heck did I put up with his nonsense for all those years? I wasted my life turning myself into a pretzel for a man who could never be pleased. I know why I did and it makes me even more pathetic than I care to think about. I was scared to be alone for the rest of my life and I was relatively sure that was going to be the case so I jumped at an opportunity. Sad to say, but true. That doesn't mean I didn't love Gabe, because I did. We don't always love the people that are good for us though, do we? So, now I get to experience the being alone without benefit of the freedom that would have afforded me.
I feel awful saying it, but it's the truth.....some days I don't want to be a mom anymore. I'm overwhelmed most of the time. Asperger's is not easy to deal with when you have a partner that is supportive, let alone when you're a single parent. I wouldn't trade Marc for anything or anyone in the world, I just need a BIG break!
Enough bi!ching for today I guess. Back to smiling and faking it. People call me bubbly.....little do they know that I'm actually teetering on the edge of hysterics!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Back to smiling and faking it. People call me bubbly.....little do they know that I'm actually teetering on the edge of hysterics!