Question

[neversaydie63]

Hey awest1217,

Just been reading your sitch here and I (as do most here) feel your pain. Your H left almost the same day my W moved out (4-23-09) so don’t feel so bad, I got you by 3 days! -- Ha, LOL, sorry, just trying to bring some humor to this difficult situation. I have found that laughter, even in the most painful situations, can be the best medicine.

This DB'ing and trying to be happy and positive all the time, even when you feel like [censored], is hard, hard work. Every time I get ready to see or even just call my W, I review my notes, jot down things before hand as to what I want to talk about and what I want to avoid, and review my DB do’s and don’t – it feels like I am crunching for a friggen collage final exam, but I am careful, because I don’t want to slip (not that I don’t screw up, it just seems like I screw up less often these days, but I need to do my homework and be prepared)

I can’t tell you what to do here, no one can and at the end of the day, only you are the person to make the decision to stay the course or jump off that roller coaster. But I think venting here is a good thing and a healthy thing, that way when he calls, you will be in better control of your emotions and your temper. Have you tried not taking his call sometimes, and then maybe giving him a call the next day? (Maybe make him wait or suffer a bit and not be so available for him) Maybe on a night that you think he is going to call, take your S somewhere fun and when he asks where you were, just say you were out w your S. Don't give him much more info, keep him guessing. I think you may be surprised at the results.

Anyhow, hang in there and vent away here as much as you like, we all do and it’s good for the mind, body and soul.

NSD

[lonelywolf]

Life is too short.

That guy who just won America's got Talent (I missed most of this season) - I just watched his first performance on that show - the song was "If tomorrow never comes."

I wept, not so much because of his performance (though it was good), but because it reminded me that if tomorrow never comes, I really don't know what my family would think. My kids are starting to think I left them (rather than the other way around - she tricked me into the separation).

Anyway, a recognition of our mortality is hard to take, especially when going through something as tough as a divorce.

Hang in there. We all know what it's like, so you're not alone.

[MommaDucki]

awest,
I'd responded on your other thread in newcomers, but wanted to add a few things here as well. My heart really does go out to you. I see too much of myself in you, and it's a rough place to be in. I'm a few months ahead of you in the sitch, and would like to tell you it gets easier. The trick that's been working for me? Whether H and I work out or D is our path, life must go on for me and my D. There's no use or sense in letting him frustrate you this way every day, so stop letting him. You've spoken of how he claims you are too controlling, but it seems he has a certain amount of control over you as well. Stop yourself whenever a negative thought of him or OW enters your mind. Think a happy thought. Think of S, as hard as that might be. Think of anything other than that negative tought. In time, it'll become habit to not think those negative things at all. Also, start taking hold of your life. Like others have said, try just "not being at home" some time when you think he'd call or come by. It really does make H think. It's been working for me for over a month now. Peaks his curiosity.

Overall, I can just say, if you don't feel it's over, don't let it be over, BUT, don't let his actions affect you this way. He's resposible for what he's doing, not you. He only calls when he wants to see S because he feels there's no other reason for him to call...start finding reasons to make him want to call again! :P

[awest1217]

Thank you for the suggestions. I am definitely working on those. It is hard to go out and do a lot because $ are tight. With getting absolutely no support from H for the past 5 months, I am strapped and looking at some difficult choices to make about money, but I am doing a lot. My only problem is when I am vague on what I have done H gets really mad, which is why we fought last Friday. He gets really mad that I am making plans and if he asks not telling him. It absolutely drives him nuts and when I tell him I don't want to talk about it, he keeps pushing, usually we are somewhere together like the car coming from his parents, at the house or somewhere else I cannnot just leave. Also if I were to say "please drop it" and possibly hang up, he will call and call and call until I answer.

You are right MommaDucki. He has a lot of control over me, and slowly I am getting it back. I just am scared if I take all my control back and he comes home, I will be too independent and he will just leave again. Either way, I am doing my best to stay busy. September was hard with being back at work and getting S in a good routine, but now we are and almost every weekend in October is booked including a trip to TN to see my brother and sister. I am looking forward to the next month!

Thank you again and I will be working on the suggestions of letting go.

For MommiDuckie, I am not thinking about H or OW as much anymore and definitely working on thought stopping. H lives in a house that is on the way to S's daycare. I used to always drive by and see waht I could see. Now I don't even notice when we drive by. It is getting easier slowly. I am just more focused on us because H goes to the doctor tomorrow for the first time in years, and he has had severe migraines since he has left. Doctor said worse case senario is a tumor (H mother had one when she was pregnant with H) or a brain bleed. Best case senario is just medicine for a while. I think I am just really worried about H and his health which is why this is harder.

3rd appointment with therapist today so looking for good things.

[ClingingToHope]

I think I am going to be done. H only contacts me on days he wants to come over because he wants to see S, but he never calls in between and he never helps out financially at all the whole time he has been gone. I am just so sick of his irresponsible behavior. He said he wanted to work on things with us, but how can we work if he never talks to me, and talks to OW every night. UGH!d[quote][/quote]

I'm interested in your situation because we are on the same timeline. I moved out -- I was asked to -- on Mother's Day, so it's been five months.

Here's where it's different. The first couple of weeks I only took $200 and left the rest of my check for my W to use. The next check I took $400 and left the rest. Then the guy I was staying with told me he was getting serious with his girlfriend and I couldn't stay there forever. Basically, he wanted me to step up and force the situation on the money.

So we worked out a non-binding child support plan. I can't believe your H hasn't given you anything. I know this is a DB site and we all want things to work out, but have you seen a lawyer yet. Right now he's having it all his way. I don't see how you can hold out financially.

[awest1217]

I am making it by sticking to a very tight budget and pretty much my quality of life has diminished because I have to do everything on half the salary. Luckily I can pay all the normal bills. It is just the extras...like I had to fix the roof and do maintenance on the car.

To make a long story short, he also has complete control of all of our savings. He did give me some of our savings in August after asking since April, but still no child support and I even did a spread sheet showing how much short I will be each month without child support. God is really watching out for me and S so far we are making it, but it is going to get really tough in the cold months.

My therapist yesterday suggested a lawyer just to have them draft a letter about child support and visitation. I want him to have little to no visitation because of the effects on my son and the fact that H only has seen him on average 4 hours a week so it would be tough on S. I am taking this advice. I am worried it will backfire if I start with a lawyer, but H has not contacted me in a week and as I said in a previous post, he sees a doctor today so I text him to say I would like to know what happened and he still has not responded or anything. I don't know if he is mad at me or what, so that makes me more worried to go to a lawyer because I don't want to rock the boat.

I know I have a right to the money to help with S, but I don't want to ruin anything that has been started that is positive...

Any other thoughts?

[ClingingToHope]

Any other thoughts?

Not really other than to say you are amazing to be able to hang on this long. I've been giving my W $990 a month PLUS a chunk of the money I'm making at a part-time job and she's still slowly swimming in more and more red ink, and she earns more than I do.

I was at a marriage rebuilders class the other day and the subject was finances. A divorce attorney's group said research showed finances was the No. 1 reason for divorce 89 percent of the time.

[Lostforwords]

AW,

I didn't go back to your older posts, but are you saying that your husband has had multiple affairs going all the way back to dating? Then from there he actually lived with the OW and her husband? Topped all off by the fact he hasn't given you any financial support and is using savings as a form of control?

TIME TO SEE A LAWYER! Seriously! Your husband is responsible for his have of the financial situation regarding your child. Such childish behavior on his part is garbage. Hell...even my wife in LALA land makes sure the bills are paid.

Keep up the mysterious behavior...he doesn't like it...so what! He has left, he has cheated, he has tried to control you. It sounds almost abusive. I think you deserve more...you need to start thinking that also.

[awest1217]

H called right after appointment (first time in a week and only because I text saying I was thinking about him, praying it would go well, and asked if he did not mind to let me know what happened. Just now text to say he appreciated my thoughts and was sorry for being "distant" because he is worried about what the doctor said and the fact that the meds may not work which means more tests. I just said I understand and I was praying and that was it. H said he appreciated it "more than you know".

I really am trying to listen, but that is it. H may ask about pizza tomorrow because he always go to my in laws together for pizza on Fridays, but this week I have plans and I am going to stick to it, first time ever!

As for the comments above, thank you for the compliments about not making money a huge issue, although I know I deserve it. Also I know it is crazy that I am putting up with him doing this more than once with each time it escalating to him moving out with the OW. I am going to see how this weekend goes. If there is nothing, no contact, phone calls, etc, I will try to gain enough strength to call a lawyer. I am really scared...

[ClingingToHope]

If there is nothing, no contact, phone calls, etc, I will try to gain enough strength to call a lawyer. I am really scared...

I understand. You don't want to be the ONE who ends it. I'm in that situation. I'm in limboland waiting for her to decide. I keep telling myself that if she hasn't filed when my lease is up in January that I will.

But will I really be able to do that? I don't know.

The money thing is amazingly bad to me. Who does that to his family?