Yep, another WAW - in last resort

[lonelywolf]

Well, here's the latest e-mail from her, to give y'all a flavor of what she's saying (some things have been edited to omit confidential details (this was a response to my attempt to talk to the kids on the phone last night, an attempt at which I was rebuffed by her parents):

The kids are getting along fine here. Patrick has stopped pooping his pants, and they are minding well thanks to having some personal space and some adequate adult supervision. They seem to be responding well to the personal attention paid them by me and my parents.

Their upkeep is expensive. I would not have asked you for money if it wasn't necessary. The kids eat. They make dirty laundry and the little ones go through lots of diapers. They also have incidental expenses associated with school and Cub Scouts etc. I think that asking for XXXX is a reasonable request.

With the help of my parents, I am able to exercise some, and have some time of my own, away from the kids. It works wonders for my morale and well being. It is also nice to have an adult to talk to and consult with as I care for the kids.

I am glad to hear you are happier than ever. What specifically are you repenting of? Have you visited your bishop and confessed? Has he given you a program of repentance to follow? Frankly I am skeptical, Two months of repentance doesn't seem enough after 11 years of out of control spending, pretty much ignoring me and the kids in favor of total strangers on internet chat boards, and throwing temper tantrums which frightened both me and the kids and had me wondering about you.

My future plans do not include moving to Alaska to live in your parent’s house. I plan to remain here in Arizona and file for divorce. I no longer love you, and I no longer want to put up with your bad behavior towards me and the kids. You proved to me over 11 years of marriage that you don't love me or the kids. You never consulted me on your decisions. You spent money without asking my opinion. You spent lots of money on yourself. I bought used clothing on Ebay to keep the children in clothes. I scrimped by while you spent a lot of money that we didn’t have. Your idea of a wife was some one to take care of your needs but not to have a true life partnership with much less a companion. I and the children are happier without you.
Please be aware that you are not welcome at my parent’s house.

I will not talk to you on the phone. I cannot take your verbal abuse and guilt and cleave unto your husband nonsense. If you want to communicate with me, send me an email. I would like to ask that you don’t make them any promises or try to get at me through them though. I have not and don’t plan to bad mouth you or your parents in front of the children, and I would appreciate it if you would do the same for me. For their sake let’s try to be civil about this. Also I would appreciate it if you would stop flooding my email, my parents email, and my phone and my parent’s phone with angry messages since this
could be construed as a type of harassment.

The last bit puzzles me, as I have not left any angry messages on the phone, nor sent any angry e-mails. But I realized her parents have probably lied to her ("Oh, he sounded really angry when he called last night").

I'm not sure how to react to this. I've decided to go totally silent and not even discuss business with her.

I'm also definitely getting a lawyer now, even though that may mean I will have to file for bankruptcy once its all over since I really can't afford one.

Anyone know any good lawyers in Arizona?

[lonelywolf]

I'm also going to open up a seperate checking account. I'll still make sure there's money in the joint account for the kids, but her parents have wanted this divorce since before we were married (they told her to call off the engagement), and have been nothing but rude to me and my family since the marriage, I have no desire to "pay them back" unless I get my family back.

I want to say "your parents wanted this, they can pay the child support" but I'm pretty sure that would be used against me in court somehow. I'm sure everything I've written or said, even if it was not meant in anger, is going to be used in court to "prove" my violent temper. There's been no violence or even the hint of it, but she's gone to a very dark place and is willing to lie to get her way now, it seems.

It's also odd that she would beg me not to talk bad about her to the kids (which I would never do), when her parents have already been bad mouthing me to the kids already. I have to be civil, but they don't, apparently.

Mostly, I just miss the kids. I'm not so sure I miss my wife anymore, after that. I don't know.

I need a good lawyer.

[lonelywolf]

Well, there's not much I can do at this point. I screwed up again - even though I didn't mean to, I appeared to her as though I was "pursuing" again, and so drove her to the nasty e-mail above.

Like I said, I'll just go totally dark and continue to GAL. I'll have to make her wonder what I'm doing, rather then seem so concerned with what she's doing.

But, I d@mn, I miss the kids something fierce.

[lonelywolf]

In another update, clergydude has moved on, and there's a new clergydude in town. Clergydude2 has said he's going to call me this week and then talk to me wife to see if he can do anything, but after that last e-mail, I just don't know.

Time to move on, I think. I'm going to have to fight for custody, despite having the system stacked against me.

[lonelywolf]

today's update:

Well, I was referred to a few lawyers down there. I was warned away from a few others. The first one I called, the one that I was told by several people was the absolute best one in the area, but also wouldn't overcharge me, well - that must be the one my wife has, as they told me on the phone "we have a conflict." That's all they would say, but I think that was enough.

The second law firm said they didn't do anything if kids are involved. The third one (with a pretty good reccomendation) said they would consult with me on the phone in two weeks, but that they would need a 4000 dollar retainer if they took the case (they said any excess would be refunded, but at 200 bucks and hour, I may have to pay more). I don't havce 4000 bucks handy, but I have paid off more than that in credit card debt this summer, so I guess I'll just go back to where I was when this all started.

[lonelywolf]

Well, a small victory of sorts. Of course, I cried for an hour after it was over, but I was able to talk to my kids on the phone (well, two of them. The oldest was acting like her normal self, and she didn't want to talk - she rarely talks on the phone).

My W's father even talked to me for a bit, telling me that it was all her and nothing to do with them, that they in no way whatsoever pushed her towards this. I was polite but pointed out he was paying for her lawyer. I told him expected he was doing what he thought best for his daughter, but that I really was working on improving myself and becoming a better person.

I doubt it will make any difference, and I have no idea how he will report the conversation to her if he does mention it to her.

But, d@mn it all, my second youngest is using complete sentences now.

[stephanie]

Ok lonely one I totally get where you are coming from, honey you get more bees with honey. If she needs space give it. The more her folks push her to get away from you the more she will want to go back, at least that is how it is for most woman. Good luck and keep the distance..... but not from the kids. Those are yours and they need you now. Develop that relationship and it may work to your benefit. A true loving mom wants nothing more for the kids then daddy to be there. And on that note, the in-laws are not helping you.... by supporting her and the kids they are making it to easy to be a single mom. Just keep up the good work. It'll pay off, one way or another.... One thing I am trying is to be more like I was in the beginning... When the love started. Be yourself, it may help out too. Good luck!

[lonelywolf]

stephanie

thanks. You are totally right. By making it easy for her -

well, think about it. Right now, she doesn't have to work. She takes money from me and her parents. She doesn't even have to be a mom full time - she can dump the kids on her (retired) parents.

She's in a position many people would find enviable. She doesn't have to live the hard life of a single mother, she gets the benefit of having someone else to help her with the kids, and she doesn't have to work to support herself. She can take off and do whatever she wants pretty much whenever. She doesn't have to actually work on a relationship with me, or do any of the hard stuff of marriage. She gets the money, the kids, and doesn't have to shoulder the burdens.

[lonelywolf]

The discussion here seems to have moved to this thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1829997#Post1829997