Are you going to fight this divorce? What options do you have? I requested lawyers fees and a three month extension with the express purpose to see if we can reconcile. And then I told H, "You know, you don't have to respond." He asked what that meant and I explained to him (as my lawyer explained to me) that he doesn't have to respond. He doesn't have to answer. It can just sit there as long as I don't question where the response is, which I won't. I made that clear. I will not question why you have not answered. H asked "Then what?" I said in one year from my response it will be thrown out due to lack of prosecution. Bye bye. H also knows he can remove the filing all together. At this point, H has done nothing. I hope it stays that way....really I hope he removes it.
And do you want to know what I'm doing now? Sitting still. And since I've been still, things have never been better. H even said last night "if this girl (taps my knee) had been here the whole time, we would've been fine" or something to that effect.
Sit still, even if you respond. Sit still.
Fight, yes but what that looks like I don't know. My situation is different Stronger. I left her a year ago. If she moved on and no longer loves me, what's the point in fighting. I mean am I fighting OM for her love? Am I fighting against what she ultimately wants, which is to be rid of me. Hard to know what to do. mMaybe I'm just letting her go, that's all.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.[3]
"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."[4]
When Collins asked who didn't make it out, Stockdale replied:
"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."[4]
Stockdale then added:
"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”[4]
Witnessing this philosophy of duality, Collins went on to describe it as the Stockdale Paradox.
Quote:
Hard to know what to do.
Try to reconcile your marriage at the same time prepare yourself for divorce. It's called DBing.
You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Try to reconcile your marriage at the same time prepare yourself for divorce. It's called DBing.
He's already stated that he can't handle running those two tracks simultaneously. The irony is that all he really has to do is let her go while being a stand up guy with boundaries. Cleaning up his side of the street so to speak.
"He" of course being you, RSF...simplify let her go and we'll all be watching to see what happens next.
He's already stated that he can't handle running those two tracks simultaneously. The irony is that all he really has to do is let her go while being a stand up guy with boundaries. Cleaning up his side of the street so to speak.
"He" of course being you, RSF...simplify let her go and we'll all be watching to see what happens next.
Well, I feel kind of like I'm letting her go. Sure feels like that today. I don't feel indifferent about it, I definitely feel sad about it. I don't really know what happens next. I'm not really feeling like reaching out to her though I'm not motivated to do much else either.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
There aren't many WAS's who've tried to reconcile on this forum. The DBing book doesn't really cover the topic either. Yes Coach, I feel that my situation is unique on this forum...LOL!
So in my situation I am WAS who woke up when W started a new relationship. I was very clearly having new feelings toward W and regret for the loss of my family before OM came into the picture. So now the roles are reversed, she's WAS and I'm LBS. My question to all of you is how do we know that it's not just OM, jealousy or ego driving us? How do we know that there really was a chance for the marriage? or is a chance if we chose to reconcile? Can we know? If we can't know, what's the process for stepping through to find out?
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
If we can't know, what's the process for stepping through to find out?
DB
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
RSF- Often the WAS feels that the LBS left first (emotionally etc)...as in my case, my H says I "killed our marriage."
One of the best things you can do is stop seeing yourself as LBS. You just are where you are.
Quote:
My question to all of you is how do we know that it's not just OM, jealousy or ego driving us? How do we know that there really was a chance for the marriage? or is a chance if we chose to reconcile? Can we know? If we can't know, what's the process for stepping through to find out?
To me this is like trying to figure out infinity. You married your W, made children together. In all likelihood IMO, if you both were on the same page and wanted to make the marriage work, you could. You would both have to hold the marriage as a sacred entity and be committed. But, like everything in life, you find out through experience. Perception is everything but means nothing. If your W never comes back to you, you'll likely evolve your thinking to "it was just my ego anyway, we couldn't be together, we were wrong for each other," if she does come back and it works, "thank God, were meant to be together," if she comes back and you end up D anyway, "Heck, why was trying so hard, should have just let her go a long time ago."
My point, and this tortures me, believe me. There is no ultimate truth. It is just life. We live and learn and rationalize and try to come up with neat ways to draw definitive conclusions. But, ultimately, we've got to be just fabulous with or without the person we basically made a covenant with that we would share our lives with. Tough stuff. Welcome to the big league of living. Maybe we the oh so spiritually evolved souls that are up for the challenge...I'll run with that one for a while.
My question to all of you is how do we know that it's not just OM, jealousy or ego driving us?
What are you values, beliefs and goals that drive you?
My beliefs are that the commitment I made to W means something. That having our family together is better for all of us.
I want to make my life and the lives of W and children happy healthy and rich. For W to be happy it may mean not being with me. Hard to prepare for that, let go, and still have hope that it might work out. I guess, I'm probably working to talk myself out of continuing forward so I don't get hurt more, maybe...I dunno.
No contact. Totally disengaged. Her contact regimen has shifted to email only and an occasional text. She has also backed off and formalized a bit. I'm not really checking email that much.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
RSF- Often the WAS feels that the LBS left first (emotionally etc)...as in my case, my H says I "killed our marriage."
One of the best things you can do is stop seeing yourself as LBS. You just are where you are.
I don't see myself as LBS. I use that to structure discussion around DBing technique. I definitely agree with your point the other day that this forum is more about supporting each other than DBing technique. We're not pros, we're schmos...LOL...I crack ME up!
I felt like my marriage was dead before I left. I feel like W and I both killed it over many years. I gave up. She begged me to try to save it. Then she accepted that it was over while I
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
I definitely agree with your point the other day that this forum is more about supporting each other than DBing technique.
It was a decent point but some of the advice here is stellar...best ever. Depends on the sitch, the recipient and the person giving the advice, obviously.
You've gotten some pearls here. Don't be too quick to write them off. Re-read yours and look at other threads too...lots to be gleaned from them.
