Help Me Bust My Divorce

[Fightin4mywife]

Thank you antlers. Very inspirational. I get so frustrated with finances and I begin to get resentful myself thinking about the substandard living conditions I am having to settle for to keep her resentment level down. She kicked my can in court and my only out is giving up. But I want her more than $$.

You have challenged me well and I shall take your advice as I am once again reminded of the simple principles that work. It is so difficult to "let things happen". Thanks for the reading material also.
jim

[Fightin4mywife]

To all, My schedule only allows me to be online a couple of times per week. Appreciate all responses and encouragement. It just may take me time (days) to respond myself. Thank you all.
j

Name: Jim
Live: Dallas
M: 25 1/2 yrs
Petition Filed: Dec 08 (by wife)
Separated: 3/18/09
M: 49
W: 51
Children: Girl 22, boys 16 and 14

[sandi2]

Jim, Antlers is a great role model. He has won everyone's respect by applying the DB principles and with his undying love & patient for his W. The lessons the two of you have had to learn has been painful, but I believe that there is hope for you. Time can do so much toward the healing process. Keep your eye on the goal and don't let discouragement win.

[antlers]

Time can do so much toward the healing process. Keep your eye on the goal and don't let discouragement win.

True that!

[Fightin4mywife]

Thank you Sandi and Antlers. I am presently committed to absolutely no contact with my wife precipitated by myself. It is so hard because I want to talk to her, interact with her, make decisions with her, etc. It is so wierd to be aleinated from my beloved this way. God have mercy on me. And on my wife.

[antlers]

That's OK...give her the space and time that she needs. This is the best thing you can do right now. Yeah...it's hard, but absolutely necessary. Patience...learn it, live it. If you're committed, then you have to make a decision to convince yourself that you have no control over anybody other than yourself.
It's never too late to start doing what's right.

[Fightin4mywife]

I love and am committed to my wife for the long haul. I am choosing to be patient and wait her out. However, realities of the moment are nipping my heals. She just won a huge judgement for temporary support that is breaking me. I don't make the kind of money to give what she has been awarded.

She receives over 50% of my net pay. Plus I pay all med insurance, all debt, then my living expenses (rent, utilites, food, fuel, etc.). She has no mortgage (our home is paid for), and her only expenses are utilites and the private school cost which she took on herself, without my consent. Between her salary and my support payment she is netting more than twice what I am. I already work 56 hrs a week as a firefighter and now must seek additional employment. Just to provide for basic needs.

My question. Is it healthy for me to bear this burden in the interest of showing my wife the length to which I'll go to win her heart, inspite of the fact that reconciliation is all a huge maybe, and subject to her whim? My attorney has indicated the only means to any relief at this time is in divorce. The support payment will reduce by almost half, to just child support. But am I sending her the message that when it comes to money, I'll sure as heck part with you? Am I supposed to go to any length, even wearing myself out physically to show her my love? And is that actually what I'm doing here or is it enabling her to continue being abusive and unfair?

I don't want to get resentful myself.

jim

[robx]

detach, let go.

- speak to her about the money,
be honest, "...I can't pay it and provide for myself at the same time and I'm being honest about this. If you have to take me to court again to force me to pay, you can but I can't give you this kind of money anymore." Give her what you can, itemize your legitimate expenses and tell her what you need to live and apologize to her, tell her you wish you could pay more but you can't afford it.

- If the house is paid for, ask her to sell it, you will get half, there is no use to putting off the inevitable.

- agree with her, tell her a divorce is the only thing that is lef for the two of you.

- agree with her angry feelings towards you, let go of the struggle, stop defending yourself, everytime she says something horrible about you, just tell her "you're right, it's all true".

- once you stop arguing with her, once you start agreeing with her because right now everything you say to her, she will hear the opposite so just start agreeing with her.

- be humble, caring and be a friend, that's all you can do.

[antlers]

"I have a responsibility to you to make you aware of a financial situation that we have, and I want your input on a solution. I understand your need for support. I'm working hard and the economy is tight right now, and I'm struggling. I need to increase income or decrease expenses, and it's really difficult to increase income. Do you have some suggestions on how to decrease expenses?"

ps - plus what robx said above!

[Forrest Gump]

"Is it healthy for me to bear this burden in the interest of showing my wife the length to which I'll go to win her heart, inspite of the fact that reconciliation is all a huge maybe, and subject to her whim?"

I kinda am on the fence with that question. Yes, it is healthy as long as you are not resentful.

I agree with some of robx's comments.

"- speak to her about the money"

If she is smart, or talking to me somewhere on this forum.. the second you open this conversation she will point to the court system. The judge awarded it to me.. so there. You can try and open this discussion up. I would advise you to shut it down the second it smells like its going wrong. You may have to approach this thru the courts by showing the undue stress it is causing.

"- agree with her, tell her a divorce is the only thing that is left for the two of you."

This can be effective. Make sure you understand the consequences of this action. Even being D is not an "end" to things.

"- agree with her angry feelings towards you, let go of the struggle, stop defending yourself, everytime she says something horrible about you, just tell her "you're right, it's all true"."

As long as they are true. Agree with her or leave her with the impression you agree with her. If she says you are a rapist and you are not.. please defend yourself. I take the idea that you want to pick your battles very carefully. If you find yourself applying any past issues with the issues at hand.. just nod and say "you are right". Don't repeat arguments you have repeated!

"- be humble, caring and be a friend, that's all you can do."

Yes.

"- once you stop arguing with her"

She will only have herself to argue with. Take it from me.. we can be our own worst enemy!