I have two observations one about you and one about him.
Watch your words, you speak in absolutes about your husband - he can't cope with anything.
I hear what you are saying. It's more like when he's in the grip of anxiety, he literally cannot cope with anything. He will say it himself. "Don't tell me anything, I can't cope with it." But I need to not think of him that way in general.
And a big part of this whole ordeal with money, which isn't new, is that he DOES want to leave it to me and then get mad if everything isn't how he wants it. He wants control but not responsibility. He wants me to have responsibility but not control. He told me recently that he was glad I take care of all that stuff, bills, etc, because he cannot f**king deal with it. Then he said I do a good job and I felt kind of sick.
Quote:
About him, he doesn't know healthy coping, communicating or relationship skills. You mention it that he avoids his parents and grand-parents because they devalue him. He equates conflict, speaking about his feelings, and criticism with pain and fear. Even if you don't say it he equates your money situation with him being inadequate (a criticism). He is his own worse critic. He hides behind his pain by pushing you away.
I think your letter needs to be very matter of fact, not emotional, not bringing up the past and some possible solutions. Make the tone and information all about the financial situation and if he gets upset let him know that you are not upset or disappointed with him but that you want to partner up with him to find a good solution.
Stick to the issue and a solution. Show him good coping techniques, relationship skills and communication skills. Show him how to replace all that fear with love.
I'm trying. I didn't think of him feeling like he is somehow "less than" because of the money sitch. It's hard to with the flak that gets thrown up because of his feelings of inadequacy because it totally doesn't have anything to do with the issue at hand. But I will approach it with that in mind.
