I have been out of the DBing community for a few months - been enjoying life, loving kids, went through a job change, and so on.
God has been blessing me in unimaginable ways! I can't fathom how much good has come out of a bad situation. I'm not divorced yet, but W has the paperwork for a dissolution, and I think we only had one thing we disagreed on.
It's pretty funny that I haven't posted since April! It has been a good summer. I'm moving into Surviving the Big D - it is sort of a notice to myself that my new life has started, and is actually well under way!
At this point, I simply want to start journaling my actions. My goals are to get out more, stay fit (lost 40 pounds, and have kept off for almost a year!), make sure that the divorce gets taken care of with the best interests of the kids.
You'll find most of us our pretty lax here, the been there done that's. We all pretty much now share in the insanity that still continues after what was supposed to be the 'final' stones cast about.
You're in good company.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Please, folks, I need no sympathy, although I appreciate your kind words...
My life has been irrevocably changed by my WAW - she has taken my marriage and my wife and, in return, given me a beautiful life, through pain and self-searching and blessings from God!
I'm ready to be unmarried. No desire for a relationship, God fulfills me, and I'm having too much fun with my kids. It's amazing to me that I have found such peace, joy, and happiness.
I have re-discovered my family and extended family, found many new friends that care deeply for me, and am madly in love with my kids.
There are less than happy moments - my kids still desperately ask for ways for us to get back together, but from what I've heard, that's going to happen the rest of our lives - seems pretty normal.
Anyway, either of my children will testify that I have never spoken unkindly about their mother, they know I love her, and they have seen this handled with dignity and grace. I am fine with being mostly both parents to them, and I couldn't be happier about it.
Now, I'm excited to open the newest chapter of my life - I am open to guidance and suggestions on infusing my children's life with happiness.
I'll start journaling in the next couple of days - I want to look back on this, and remember where and who I was...
glad to hear you welcome your new life. Also, fully expect now and then to have the past fall on you like a ton of bricks and feel down from time to time... know that we can't be brave forever. I heard recently that when children see a parent's life well lived they do well in return, so your happiness is there. THough I also heard that if you are sad you shouldnt' hide it from them, to let them know it's ok to feel sad from time to time (I had a hard time with that one, I always brushed off my son's concern when he sensed I was feeling bad on the odd times it showed).
God speed.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I can't believe 3 years of separation, and I'm still dealing with the same WAW silliness.
This is a pet peeve of mine, so I'll just vent a little.
Kids have school off today because of the local county fair. On a school day, we would get up, have breakfast, get their stuff together, and drop them off at school at 8:30.
W texts me at 7:15 asking what time I would be bringing the kids. I said 8:45. She is furious, says that the bus leaves at 8:00, and she has to go to school and wants to spend time with them. I explain to her that I take them to school so we can have breakfast, I don't drop them at the bus stop like she does. Then she texts me: "Bring me my kids now."
I literally laughed! I waited about 15 minutes, and responded, "No. If you want to have them for special time, I'll need to know at least the night before. I am not going to have this silly argument. Have a great day."
I dropped them off around 8:40, and I love this: she is there with her affair partner! So much for special time with your kids!
It bothers me less and less, but man, I can't wait to be divorced! This kind of stuff is just infantile.
Well, you just keep plugging away! I'm hoping for the dissolution to be signed next month.
Just random thoughts - I am getting very excited to be divorced. It will almost feel like cutting away a huge anvil I have been dragging along behind me.
But finally, 3 years later, through false reconciliations, etc, I'm looking FORWARD to be divorced, and I can't get W to sign a dissolution. It is more than fair, and she knows it, I actually agreed to getting a little screwed so the kids wouldn't have to go through a full court divorce. Plus, I will be able to get the child support taken off in about a year when W gets a real job, so I'm not stressed.
So, two points that I ponder: 1. How am I so happy my marriage is ending? I have "gone dark" for about a month now, and it is a relief! Every day the kids talk about how much more they love me - D9 told W off the other day because she said something nasty about me!
There is very little in the world that means more to me than my vows. If you were to ask me if I loved W, I would say, "Unconditionally". My kids still want us together, very badly so. I have done the right thing even in excruciating circumstances, and my conscience is clear. Just a weird turn of events for me.
2. Why, after 3 years of fighting me to get divorced, and "hating" me, and wanting her freedom, and an affair - W won't sign the dissolution? She comes up with excuse after excuse. She could have a "legitimate" relationship (OM is married as well) in less than a month - she is getting more compensation than she would through a divorce, and we have a very cooperative child sharing agreement.
I can only think that I have pretty much been a cushion for a long time, and she is now going to be completely responsible for her own screwups. Also, OM is pretty much a deadbeat, lives with parents, personality-minus, has three annoying kids, and apparently expects W to provide for the combined family if a long-term relationships works out - at the same time, W would probably jump off a cliff before admitting that the R with OM was a mistake. Maybe that's it? Dunno, and I honestly don't care.
However, I'm now at a crossroads. I get 60%+ of my kids time right now. We have an informal agreement where I pay less child support than I would in a dissolution or divorce. Also, every month that goes by gets W closer to graduating, having a good job, and cutting off child support completely. So, aside from the affair, legally and financially it is better for me.
Emotionally and from a moral standpoint, I'm prepared to file for divorce, and I feel I need to make a stand to show my children that is NOT OK to have an affair. I hate the thought that we have literally agreed to a dissolution completely, ready to sign - and then I'd have to pay all this new expense. (already have about $5,000 to lawyers)
Is it time for an ultimatum? I.e. You sign dissolution by X date, or I file divorce?
They have both - but lawyers usually file for "grounds" and then tack on "irreconcilable differences" and the judge will typically dismiss the fault grant the ID no-fault.
I definitely have grounds for adultery, etc, and also we have lived apart for 1 year+.
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