I had my appt. with the IC last night, she has been a big help lately.
H and I have another MC appt. coming up on Monday evening, and unless something miraculous happens, I think I am signing the lease on the new apt. on Tuesday. I’ll call off work, go to the bank, see the bldg. manager, and then I have an apt with the IC at 5pm. I’m sure I’ll need it. I’ll probably request a mid-month move-in for October- D16 becomes D17 on Oct. 1, and I want a little space between her b-day and the move.
For the Monday MC appt., I am going to start things off by requesting that H and I discuss the conversation that we had earlier this week in which he claimed that wasn’t the “real me” at our first session. He told me later that he said that because he felt ambushed. Now, “I felt ambushed” is a completely legitimate and valid statement, and worthy of discussion between us. “You put on a show, you don’t function at that level” is not- that is nothing but a personal attack, and unacceptable. I am not sure how H felt ambushed because I didn’t present any new information, he is as familiar with the story as I am, and I have told him previously that I felt hurt. He did not dispute any of the facts or concerns that I expressed. Therefore, he must have been ambushed by how well I presented them. Not sure what I could have done different there, or if I even should have done anything different. The MC heard the story and asked H, “So you would like to see Bunny that open and honest more often?” Easier said than done with my H.
Also, I want to get into the whole swinging topic with the MC, we just glossed over it so far. If he was happy enough with the marriage, H might not mind giving them up, but he also said that there are no guarantees that he won’t want to resume those activities a couple years from now, or whenever. That should be enough for me to get out right there. Let’s face it, if we can’t get that worked out, and I think it’s as worked out as it’s gonna be, then the “listening exercises” are going to be a waste of everybody’s time.
The IC also talked about the post-traumatic bit also. She said she was a bit concerned because I don’t seem to have processed any emotions from He!! night, and I’m not feeling much of anything about it, it’s still buried. I guess part of the problem is the expectation I have on myself in thinking that night should not have been traumatic. It sure wasn’t for anybody else- it was just sex and fun as far as the three of them were concerned. She went on to say that H himself is probably a trigger for me, and that’s why he picks up on anxiety coming from me when he’s around. I can even feel my anxiety level go up just lying in bed with H, like it did last night- he paused for several minutes after turning out the light instead of doing his usual routine, and just sat there, and I go on alert- “Is he gonna say something, do something?” So it will be good to get away from him, I know, but I’ll be scared to death as I’m signing the papers.
