For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Thanks bluerain. : ) Your post made me smile. Thanks for the suggestion on how to detach. I'm only a few days into no contacting, not checking and not constantly worrying and I am feeling a little better. I do need to contact him today, but it is only to be sure he can pick up our daughter. My only reason to contact him will be about her.

Yes, I could make plans with a friend this weekend. Actually, it might be apple picking as a play date, but that's okay for me bc I will really enjoy it. And I do have some me things coming up - jewelry party, football party, dinner with a friend, a sorority event that a friend invited me to.

H is coming over on Tuesdays & Thursdays to see our DD and I will be leaving when he's here - getting ready (and looking good! lol) and not saying where I'm going. On some days it will just be to the library to read, but he doesn't need to know that. ha ha

I'm being strong...at least on the outside. And you know what? When he says things like he's doesn't feel anything for me - that is so very hurtful and I'm better off not talking to him and having my feelings hurt on a daily basis.

Last night when he left, instead of just watching him go, I was reading books and looking at flashcards with our DD and I didn't get upset when he left. These might be little things, but they are a start.

I currently work part-time. And I work today and tomorrow so that will help me to keep my mind off of him.

Hope you and everyone else on here has a great day! Thanks again for your support.

[WalkingMan]

That's what I'm talking about! You're getting it!

When I stopped talking to my X, I was better able to detach and get away to work on making me happy.

It sounds like to me that you are somewhere in the middle, where you have good and bad days. We've all been there. It gets better, trust me. As time goes by and you 'drop the rope' you start having more and more good days and because you've been working on you, you will gain more strength and independence.

Keep it up!

[courts0818]

Yes, I am for sure somewhere in the middle.

H picked up DD tonight bc I had to work. He was acting like an ass - just had a bad attitude. And I did voice my annoyance at coming home and finding our DD in a pull up for the 2nd day in a row - esp. after I emailed him to not put her in pulls ups again. ...She's FINALLY potty trained (with no help from him) and she whines to him and he gives her anything she wants - a pull up, candy, juice, TV time, snacks. It's so frustrating for me. He pops in a few days per week and gives her anything she wants. Then, I'm the one that always says no to the things listed above (candy, juice, etc...). It's like he knows he doesn't came around enough so he wants to make her happy - um hello...not saying no and giving her whatever she wants doesn't help anything!!!! Makes me look like the mean mom that always says no.

And I guess he thought he would be funny tonight and he wrote all over her arms with markers - just to annoy me I guess. Yes, the markers are washable, but still. That was just stupid and he knew I was giving her a bath so it's like he thought oh well -Courtney can deal with it.

Lastly, when I found out he intentionally tried to deceive me last weekend, I was fed up. I packed up the rest of his things and put them in trash bags in our garage. Well...he took 2 of the bags tonight. That made me sad. IDK...I packed it, but it still hurts. But, I am trying to let him know (by my actions and not my words) that I am done playing his games and waiting for him to decide if I'm good enough - I will not let him treat me badly...so @ this point that just involoves having as little interaction with him as possible...how sad.

[WalkingMan]

Man he sounds insensitive! I'd be so angry I couldn't see straight!

I still think you should set some boundries. DO NOT tolerate his inconsiderate behavior. He won't like you taking power back, but he's got to see that he can't just walk all over you and happily walk away and eat his cake. He coome to your house, he follows your rules, period. Don't let him see you get mad, just be matter of fact about it. He should see you moving on and getting a life.

[courts0818]

He was better tonight - had a better attitude and I didn't catch him letting DD get away with things. But, he was probably letting her do whatever she wanted until I got home.

I worked today and got home about 2 hours after he picked our DD up. So, tonight I didn't go anywhere. I stayed home and gave all of my attention to DD. We had so much fun - we read books and DANCED all over the house and played with musical instruments. H was on the computer and came out to sort of join us a few times. I let him watch me dancing around like a fool and singing every kid friendly song you can imagine - and I didn't care. I'm glad he saw me being silly and fun.

And I'm still doing good - haven't tried to contact him for anything except for things about DD.

I really want to get the point across that I'm done with the crap he likes to dish out to me. And I'm done wondering about what he's doing. I'm not going to ask what he's doing and then he won't have a chance to lie to me. I'm just not sure though...not having contact with him is helping me to detach, but is this the best way to go about this? Maybe it is showing that I'm fed up. But then again, according to DB I don't think I'm supposed to be being mean - am I being me? Since I caught him in a lie last weekend, I just don't have much of anything to say to him.

[courts0818]

The weekend is almost here and weekends are always hard for me. The weekdays bring a bit of structure, but the weekends are when H is usually being shady. But...I'm determined to be tuff this weekend.

Going to my nephews football game, watching the Notre Dame game, going to try to take DD to a farm or park, getting groceries and going to church.

I'm praying for strength and praying that I'm doing the right things.

[WalkingMan]

Hang in there! Your not alone.

As far as detaching, I remember I had my doubts buit there were definate good results. It just took time. You want to keep them guessing. Don't be mean, just indifferent. Life is great and you're finding yourself and getting a life. If you don't have anything to day to him, then don't talk to him! Thius is a great time for you to take a breath and work on you!

[courts0818]

Thanks, Sgfan...it's all easier said than done. But, I'm trying. I feel kinda down tonight. Getting out of the house tonight would have been a good idea, I just wasn't in the mood to go anywhere.

I'm so tired of being alone. Yes...I know GAL, already. It's not just that - I have plenty of friends and fun things to do. I'm just tired of doing them without my H. I just miss the closeness, friendship, fun, dinners, etc...

Okay, enough feeling sorry for myself. I'm keeping my head up. Goodnight and good luck...stay strong everyone else!

[bluerain]

Hi Courtney, I think that the thing to remember about being detached is that you just arent immersed in your sitch. Its about finding things other than panic, desperation and fear occupy your mind. You shouldnt be mean about it, you dont need to be.

I like to think about it as taking the high road. Dont let him and his bad behavior dictate your actions.

You are not letting him push you anymore, which is nice because doormats arent attractive! And besides, do you want to be in a M where your H is giving you crap?

And sometimes, especially if you arent in the mood for it, you NEED to get out and play!

[courts0818]

Hi bluerain, thanks for the reminder that detaching is about not allowing myself to be totally wrapped up and overwhelmed by what's going on - paralized with fear, panic, desperation.

Overall, I've had a pretty good week and I did a good job of not contacting him.

To answer you question - no, I don't want to be treated like crap. So it's better to avoid him at this point - until he makes the effort to be nice and respectful.

And you're right - when Friday wasn't a good day for me. When I was down in the dumps and short on patience, I should have made myself get out do and something.

So yesterday - H sent me a text around 10:30am asking if DD and I were at home. I was at the library with her so I didn't respond. When we got home around 12:00pm, he was here. He was outside mowing. DD and I did our own thing, ate lunch, played a game and then she was ready for a nap. When she was sleeping, I left without saying anything to him and didn't come until 6:00pm. He ended up staying at our house until 10:30pm. He was watching the football game and DD was jumping around the bed while he watched the game. When we put her to bed, he left.

I don't understand his behavior at all. But whatever...while he was here, I just did my own thing - cleaned a little, made my grocery list, gave DD a bath, got online, took a shower. I sort of just ignored him.

I wonder if he notices my lack of interest in what he's doing and what he thinks about it - if anything.