I stopped by my wife's work to check on how she was feeling (read this thread - she is ill)
So this was your goal, to check on her. Did you tell her that? "I was across the street and had a minute and I wanted to check on how you were feeling." Let her talk, then ask her, "Is there anything I can do to help you?" She will tell you if she wants or needs anything. This is a win-win question.
More questions to ask: What did you learn today? Who did you help? What did you do for yourself?
Don't interrogate her but have a dialouge.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Actually Coach that is almost exactly what I said. In the middle of the night she was having stomach pains and I simply asked if there was anything I could do - being careful not to come across as desperate to help.
I have to remember to attempt dialogue and then shut up and see what happens - let her control the flow. That way we are only communicating when she will enjoy it more and not feel pressured.
A little thing happened yesterday that is interesting....
It was my day off and as noted I wanted to do some reading. I spent an hour or two at the local library. Apparently while I was out my wife came home from work for a short time - she is still quite sick.
Anyway...when she came home at the end of work day she said " I was here earlier - where were you". I just said "out and about". She mentioned/asked two more times last night. My only response - "nowhere I shouldn't be". Really, I just didn't want to go into detail about why I was at the library, but it appears I created a little mystery. It may not be a good thing, since she may expect the worst, but her reaction was odd.
Today, she was still in bed when I left for work. I thought it was time to see what she would do if I initiated our good bye hug. She didn't pull away or say anything - but she didn't participate either. She was the "hugee" and I was the "hugger". I don't think it did any harm though.
I have added a new goal or watershed I want to reach with wife. I want her to contact me during the day for no real reason. This could take some time to reach, but goals help me determine progress.
I have a feeling I am not going to like what I see (or don't see) when I get home from work in a little over an hour.
I texted wife today to see how she is feeling physically today and later forwarded an email to her blackberry. I did not get a response to either one. I have the feeling she has left the house again. I am saying this now to remind myself not to react when I get home if I am right. I tore up my ticket to the rollercoaster a while ago and don't want to get back on it.
If I am right, and she has left again, I could use some support and some pointers on what to do in the next few days. I may be jumping the gun here, but nothing wrong with being prepared.
So..anyone aware of my situation....what should I do?
Wife was in bed and sleeping when I got home. She (and therefore I)had another restless night due to her current illness. At one point during the night I made a simple comment like "did you not get the text or email I sent? - phone problems?" I received a snippy "I was busy then and blah blah". She was very cold last night. Not sure if it was due to feeling ill or feeling trapped in our house.
This morning when she left for work, she didn't even say bye or anything. I think her resentment and anger are building again. Must prepare myself for what will come. My normal instinct would be to call or text her today asking if something is wrong. But thanks to my DB knowledge I know that is fruitless. She will feel however she wants and I don't need to worry about it.
In Ontario, where we live, you must be separated for a year in order to divorce as simply as possible. I have come up with a plan for the next time she decides she can't live in the same house anymore. I will keep it to myself and only bring it up when required.
I am actually feeling quite calm and good today. I really am managing to separate my feelings and moods from hers. Still watching and planning, but not reacting without thinking.
If you were really detaching from her moods why did you ask if she received the text or email? Be nice to your W as if nothing is wrong. When things were good did you always question her everytime she didn't answer an email or text?
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
Quit pursuing! No more texts for no reason, when you see her, ask her how she is, and listen. Then if there is anything you can do, if no, leave it alone.
Since she is very ill right now, I didn't think texting to ask how she is feeling is pursuing or testing for no reason - just being caring. If I never checked on her wouldn't that come across as cold and uncaring? Who wants a cold spouse?
If you truly wanted to know how she felt, you would not get upset at her if she did not respond to ALL of your texts.
I believe you are texting her regarding her illness to have an excuse to text her in the first place. It is for you to get a thank you for caring text back from her. This is how it comes across to me, do you think it may come across to her like this?
Let her come to you, have her be the first one to text or call or speak, then you can her ask her how she is doing. Try this, unless you think your way is working.
