Ok. I am a total f*cking idiot (feels that way at least). H wanted to chat tonight (computer)...we were flirting and having a good time. He said something about me coming over and getting a massage and I LOL'd...didn't take any of it seriously but he pursued and eventually, when he said something about how strongly he's feeling, I asked, "what are you feeling?" He answered "Just really feeling like having you here now, can't explain more than that" and when I said if I come over I'm wearing padlocked undies. He said "not about that."
And he asked for the "fun AK who would drive over in the middle of the night"...so I surprised him and drove over.
Long story short, he was quite serious about the massage and he gave me one (with a few boundary violations but I reigned him in) and then I gave him a very neutral back massage and then we laid down and he was caressing me and I put my hand on his chest to reciprocate. And then we started to fall asleep until he went for it. And I kept reiterating that I had limits (blah blah blah) and things progressed and we ended up doing the do (can't say ML) and then in the middle of it, he gets weird and sort of distant and I asked what was wrong and he said "I'm just thinking" in a sort of befuddled tone and I wanted to just die. It was awful and I started to cry (yikes) and he felt like crap and then eventually we pulled it together. After, he showered and then I did and when I got into bed, there was a flippin pillow between H and my spot. I laid down and he started talking about business and mundane things and I just couldn't take how lonely I felt. I got up and said I was leaving. And when he asked why, I lost my sh*t. I told him that you don't seduce someone and then decide it is "weird" midway through. He said he didn't think that we'd have sex...and I said that he straight out seduced me, he had no thought that we might have sex??? He said he thought we'd "mess around"...is this f*cking high school? I went off...so a BJ isn't sex? But intercourse is a huge issue? I told him that I think that he wants everything. That it was just a conquest because I haven't been giving him attention. That once he was in, he was satiated. That a one night stand would get treated better. That I felt like a two dollar whore. I don't think I skipped anything. I told him I feel like he wants me to be his friend (he nodded yes) and be here for him and raise his kids with him and know that I'm not f*cking someone else.
What a nightmare. I stepped right into it. He got me with the "fun AK" comment. Me, I'm fun, I can be fun...
He called me as I was driving home (4 am) and he kept saying he didn't mean for that to happen. I said, if this is how you operate you are going to end up with your d*ck accidentally in a lot of people. Finally we agreed to forget it happened.
So, I'm disgusted. I shouldn't have gone over there. I should have stuck to doing my own thing and I feel like utter sh*t right now. Plus, I have to get up in two hours to pick up my kids and take them to school. I scr*wed myself. Aaargh.
