Ups and Downs

[doormat6]

I can feel and imagine the roller coaster of emotions that you are on. As wonderful as your positing sounded, it also sound rather bleak....I am afraid that something identical is happening here. W and I went to dinner and got along all nite, she thanked me for taking her out etc.... everything is nice...but not a ton of indication that she is changing her mind. She is still very very secretive and hides her feelings and other stuff as well.

I am happy that you had a wonderful experience EB. I hope for you that I will result in many more days like this, and end in a positive note when it's all done and said.

I on the other hand (even though the news is only 9 days old) am not feeling quite so promising.

[Energizer Bunny]

Doormat - I still don't know a lot about the details of your sitch. Can you put some more details on your thread? When did this come about? Anything that triggered it? How have you come out of this before? What are the 180s that you are doing? How long together etc?

From what I gather, you may benefit from the book No More Mr. Nice Guy (Robert Glover). I think it would be worth checking out for you.

Yeah - if losing your W isn't hard enough, the financial and kid part of this make it all a real nice package deal huh?

[Energizer Bunny]

I can feel and imagine the roller coaster of emotions that you are on. As wonderful as your positing sounded, it also sound rather bleak....I am afraid that something identical is happening here. W and I went to dinner and got along all nite, she thanked me for taking her out etc.... everything is nice...but not a ton of indication that she is changing her mind. She is still very very secretive and hides her feelings and other stuff as well.

I am happy that you had a wonderful experience EB. I hope for you that I will result in many more days like this, and end in a positive note when it's all done and said.

I on the other hand (even though the news is only 9 days old) am not feeling quite so promising.

I wish that I knew 9 days in what I know now.

Don't try to talk her out of this! Tell you want to work through this, but DO NOT beg and plead. Do not explain to her why she can't do this. DO NOT force relationship talk. It's the oddest feeling in the world to ignore the damn elephant in the room, but you have to for now.

One mistake that I made is that I wanted to address everything. How could I not have. Obviously we can't fix things by ignoring them. We can't ignore everything long term. Keep in mind though that this isn't long term. This is the road, not the destination.

It got to the point that my W didn't want to talk to me at all because all I wanted to do is address things. It was a bad association for her.

Your W went on a date with you? That's awesome. She THANKED YOU? That's really awesome!! Don't screw it up by pushing R talk. She's going to hide her feelings for now. Expect that. Accept that. It's OK for now. Just keep in mind that this is all for now. She's secretive and hides feelings because she knows that you feel differently, will try to tall her why her feelings/actions are wrong, and she doesn't want to feel judged or criticized. She will open up when she feels comfortable, not a second before. You can't fix it, but you can screw it up. If you try to push, it will only push her farther away. It's just not going to be "fair" to you for a while.

Patience. I have been going through this for nearly a year...and we had the picture perfect marriage. We were the ones that everyone in the family talked about as the perfect couple. Point is, it will take a long time. Look at your positives. Get a life. Dont' force talk. Dont' get clingy. Breathe.

[Energizer Bunny]

Back to me. I am afterall selfish and self-centered. At least that's what I have been told

I sold my Jeep yesterday. W knows that I loved the Jeep and that I had to sell it since she's moving ($$$).

After work I went to my Grandma's house. My cousin and I are cleaning it out. G'ma moved in with my Dad a couple of years ago and her house was full of junk. (She's a hoarder. Her house is nasty). Cousin and I have been cleaning it out in the evenings for weeks. It keeps me out of the house.

I called W to let her know I would not be home for dinner. She thanked me to letting her know. She seemed excited to hear from me. I kept it very short and asked to talk to S to ask him about his day.

I got home at S's bed time gave him a quick 'Good Night' and spent the rest of the night cleaning out the Jeep since it is getting picked up today. W stuck her head out and talked to me a little. She kept it about the car sale, but seemed like she wanted to talk about more. I think she's feeling pretty guilty that I sold it.

After I got myself ready for bed W asked me to scratch her back, something we used to do for eachother a lot, but hadn't for months until recently. I did, but declined when she offered to get me. I didn't initiate any conversation.

Later when I went to bed, W sent me a text (from "her" room). She had taken S into her room since they both have sniffels and she had a vaporizer in there. Her text said that she had S and closed the door for the vaporizer. It was not to keep me out. Huh. That was actually thoughtful.

I went in and hugged S and W G'night.

Same this morning. Went in to hug S and W reached for a hug too. I kissed her forehead and a quick peck in the lips...then I dashed off into the dark of the morning (dramatic eh?)

I want to leave her with just enough to miss me when she's gone.

[Energizer Bunny]

I did my first year of college in Mt. P. I was born near the Big D and slowly worked my way north. Then I followed a boy to TN for the rest of college, then out to CA for grad school, married a "Californiano" and got rooted out here.

I don't mind, really. I have the ocean to look at instead of the lakes, and while I do miss snow, I don't miss it for as long as Michigan has it. The year I moved out of MI, it snowed on my birthday. In late April.

I miss blueberries, though, and turning leaves and apple cider. And hot chocolate on snowy days, and the particular feather-soft, quiet of dusk during a fresh snowfall.

W and I did schooling in Mt. P.
I love the water. Ocean, lakes, it's all good.
I'm looking forward to the apple orchards next month. We generally go as a family for a hayride through the orchards in October. We get cider and cake donuts. Mmmm. I wonder how that will work this year. W may want to go all together. Maybe she'll take S and go w/ her GF's family.

I've wanted to get out of Michigan for a long time. This was really the "trigger" that started this. W went along with the idea of moving for 12 years. When we put the house on the market though she decided she wouldn't go through with it. After leading me on the whole time.

I've realized that compared to my marriage, where I live just isn't as important as I once thought. There are a lot of things I do like here. I'll just have to travel a lot. Especially in winter.

I'd like to make it to the west coast some day.

[Dia]

W and I did schooling in Mt. P.
I love the water. Ocean, lakes, it's all good.
I'm looking forward to the apple orchards next month. We generally go as a family for a hayride through the orchards in October. We get cider and cake donuts. Mmmm. I wonder how that will work this year. W may want to go all together. Maybe she'll take S and go w/ her GF's family.

I've wanted to get out of Michigan for a long time. This was really the "trigger" that started this. W went along with the idea of moving for 12 years. When we put the house on the market though she decided she wouldn't go through with it. After leading me on the whole time.

I've realized that compared to my marriage, where I live just isn't as important as I once thought. There are a lot of things I do like here. I'll just have to travel a lot. Especially in winter.

I'd like to make it to the west coast some day.

If you drive from Midland to Fashion Square Mall in Saginaw, there's a place called Farmer Baynes (?) or Bayne's Apple Farm. It's on the right hand side of the road before you make the big left to go to the mall. They have it all: cider, caramel apples, apple fritters, peanut brittle, pies - but the best things ever are these sour cream cake doughnuts they have, either plain or rolled in cinnamon sugar. They don't have holes, so they're about the size, shape and heft of a baseball.

If you're ever there, eat one for me!

And out on M-20 is the u-pick place where we'd go for blueberries. There's one particular row where the bushes are taller than your head and the berries are the size of quarters. You strap a bucket to your waist, bend a branch down, lightly stroke and the berries fall straight into the bucket. Our top take was 26 quarts in one go.

And sweet corn. Illini X-tra Sweet. I've never found its equal. I even ordered seed to grow it out here.

[Energizer Bunny]

Summary of recent events.

W his kissed me a lot in the past week or so. We've slept in the same bed together a couple of times, ML a couple of times, made out like teens, and kissed her good night last night (on the stomach and lips).

She was very receptive.

I am sure that she still plans on moving out.

I think she'll miss me more when she is gone now though.

[Dia]

Don't worry about the moving out/not moving out thing. Just keep doing what you're doing.

[Butterfly1]

Just think of it like she needs space. You are going to continue to give her space. Don't think of it like a D because it's not for now.

During these times of living apart from H, I remember what my father always said, "How can I miss you if you don't go away?" lol

I also sometimes think of it like a retreat for myself - I'm getting space for myself as well.

[Energizer Bunny]

I fully expect her to move. I think she feels she HAS to. That may be a catalyst to get things better. She can't "miss" me until I'm not around her every day.

In a weird way, I am kind of looking forward to her going. She can see that what's she's been "missing...out there" isn't so special. I will be able to go home to piece and quiet.

It's just that now she'll have something to think about all alone in her new place.