Getting quite desperate to tell H I want to have M talks, even though I shan't as I know it's wrong! I just don't see how we are ever going to have the opportunity to discuss stuff ... I guess that he knows how I feel but he doesn't know that I want a NEW M, not the old one back. I want to be able to tell him what's in my heart but he's not listening - nor does he want to. I fear that the he is just getting more involved with ow and I am losing ..... fast.
It feels a bit better now that I can get him to email me but it's always in response to something - he never initiates any contact - and nor will he.
I'm so resentful that everyone else is off enjoying the long weekend coming up - sitting in the traffic tonight, they are all there with their partners beside them, loaded up for the weekend camping ... fun. Me - nothing, except a date with lawn mower, if my wrists/finger is up to it.
What I did get when I got home was an email from an ex-colleague who has taken his WAW, S2 and S6 to the airport as they are leaving for the UK - never to return. This is a good H, loving father and it makes me sick that he's here in our boat - sinking fast. I have encouraged him to join us here but I don't think that it's for him. He says that he is doing surprisingly well today and yet something tells me that he is going to bomb out. We all know that feeling. Perhaps I am feeling a bit more sorry for him today than I am for myself.
Those times are coming - when I first arrived here, I felt so sorry for myself and no-one's sitch was worse than mine. Now, even though I still feel like it's the pits of hell, I do see that some are much worse off. Doesn't stop you feeling like hell though, does it??
Got an email at work from H this morning in response to my asking him how he was feeling and would he like me to get anything for him. He ignored that bit - just said "Still very average but a long weekend to relax should help. Will pick up emails over weekend".
Nothing much to reply to there ...
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
