SO ANGRY AT H~ advice needed

[Dia]

So would doing it the way I described be a 180 for you?

[PainfulDusk]

I DO BELIEVE that I have to say something because I also believe his choice was irresponsible as both a parent and a spouse.

But leaving the door unlocked to begin with wasn't? I think you are missing the point. Why are you taking such risks with your family? This isn't on HIM , it's on you. Keep your door locked. If he shows up, then unlock it. If he doesn't then no harm no foul. No amount of hassle is too much for peace of mind.

[brownidmom]

Dusk, I appreciate your thoughts. In trying to recall some of our conversations, I remember when H said to me, "What if this turns out to be MS and I eventually lose my ability to walk, to ML?" I told him that those weren't the reasons I chose to be his W and that we would just deal with it and fight it together.

Yet, I was told that I wasn't there for him.

Ya know what? I am still sick and it has been a long week. Maybe I am overreacting because I don't feel well.

I'll think on it before I say/do anything.

BTW, I haven't been able to reach H today about who is picking up the boys from school, so I left a message that I would assume I am unless I hear from him. There is always the possibility that they came to some conclusion last night.

[brownidmom]

Dia~ yes, it would be a 180, probably the best way to handle it.

Dusk~ I had locked the door, just not the deadbolt. I would never have been able to lay down my head if I didn't feel my boys weren't safe.

I guess that I am comparing this event to all the other times that he has been letting me down and letting it get to me.

[Dia]

I guess that I am comparing this event to all the other times that he has been letting me down and letting it get to me.

So do you think that maybe the intensity of your emotion over this is related more to the accumulation of those other times than the impact of this specific incident?

[PainfulDusk]

He said you werent there for him because right now thats how he feels. You have to let that go. Im not defending him, but I do want you to realize that this is pretty common with people that are sick. Even me. I dont recall ever accusing my h of not being there for me, he was in any way he could be and I realize that. Your H apparently doesn't right now and NOTHING you do or say can MAKE him see that. Nothing. He has to figure it out on his own.

The message you left for him seems in line with what you should do. I dont have children, but if I did. I would probably handle that the same way. The children simply have to come first. If he isn't reliable right now, then it's up to you.

((brown))

Dusk

[brownidmom]

Dia~ Yes, I think it very well might be. I honestly am wondering what he's gonna do next because this one seems so out of character, even for H!

Dusk~ I guess this is really no different than him also blaming our M problems on me, or trying to at least.

I have decided to follow Dia's advice. I am simply going to tell him that he should let me know the next time he plans to stay out all night so I can lock up the house properly. It is an absolute 180 for me AND I can address the situation even if it's not my normal MO.

Thanks for the advice!
BIM

[brownidmom]

Just got a call from H saying that I should pick up the boys. He is still in the hospital. I asked if he wanted me to bring him anything and to call if he has to stay again tonight. I don't think it appropriate to take the boys since he is in for testing as opposed to a stay.

BIM

[Stronger]

You seem to want to argue with your H about how much you do care. Really you can't. Perception is 99% accurate. If he says that's how he sees it, then that's how it went down for him. The best you can do is say, I disagree, but I think I can understand how you saw it that way. To avoid misinterpretations in the future, let's be clear from here on out, I do care about your health.

And drop it completely.

Ask yourself before everything you say from now on: Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy? Is this the hill I really want to die on?

[brownidmom]

Stronger~ you are right. It tore me up when he said I wasn't there for him. Our M before that was in bad shape and I tried to do as much as I could without stepping over the line to offend him and make him pull back.

As sick as it sounds, when he wasn't well, he talked to me, told me he loved me for the first time in 6 years. I thought that it might be the thing that brought us back together. As soon as I realized my thinking pattern, I prayed that God didn't make him sick to show him how wrong he was about me. See, I had been praying that he wake up and realize how silly he was being for something I did when I was 19. I still pray that he be shown some other way, not getting sick. I told him how I felt at the time, what I thought. We held each other in the dark of the night and just prayed that he was okay, that he would live to see the boys grow up. We talked about where I would go to raise the boys if something happened to him.

H doesn't talk to me anymore, has completely shut the door on me again. I pray that he is okay because my boys would be devastated without him.

So, I want to be happy. I choose to be happy. Being right means absolutely nothing if you don't have something worthwhile to show for it.