Takes some real brass ones on your part....but I'm very curious as to what his reaction would be.
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It is really funny that you said that. For 10 years I have given in to him. I have accepted his apology after he said mean things while drinking. I have given in to him recently about coming and sleeping with him in the basement for the night. I do not stand up for myself and when I do it comes across the wrong way. Over the years I have begged him to stay...begged him to love me and now I am not doing that anymore. I have told him over the past few weeks that I am happy and that I am ready to let him go..I am not sure that is what he really wants. I have not responded as he has expected me to. I am still walking on eggshells a bit and that is because I do not want him to leave. I still have to work on me and know that I am a loving, caring, friendly, smart, beautiful, athletic and creative person and that he is losing ALOT! I want him to see that. I really want him for ONCE to be scared of losing me and that has been the biggest part of our battle for the last 10 years. He could care less if I was there or not and he never thinks nice things about me or is happy to have me in his life..that has been part of my neediness. Alot of people have told me to get a backbone..That I have so much to offer. So...last week he seemed like he had changed a bit but this week it is back to same old crap..the one thing..I have been giving in again..looking for jobs for him( he said he hated his job) and trying to give support for an ultra marathon he is going to run. Wow. He is so up and down..one day it is hugging and loving touches..the next it is nice but he backs away from that kind of stuff. I feel like I am a game to him.
Last edited by swimmingupstream; 09/23/0912:57 PM.
Worrying, begging, pleading, obsessing, negativity, and the list goes on, are all extremely counterproductive to your efforts. These are traits of a person who depends on other people to make them happy and get them through life. Do you want to live the rest of your life with a person who acts in these ways? Well, your walkaway spouse doesn't either. The truth is, other people can't MAKE you happy, they can only make you happier than you already are. True happiness comes from you and only you.
I just wanted to put this in my journal as a reminder for myself
I have seriously had enough. I want him to come out of the basement and put his ring back on. Really..he is a grown man. He needs to take care of his family and be a father and a husband. This week there has been 0 affection..what gives? Seriously? What do I do to get him out of the basement and put his ring back on???
Oh and why one week he is all over me and not the next? It is so confusing...as for OW and that saga...I think if they were in love or she were in the picture he would not have acted like he did last week. Thoughts?
Oh and H mentioned a concert he said hey..blah blah blah is playing downtown on Sat. I do not know if he wanted me to say oh we should go..or not. So should I ask him tnight if he wants to go?? He also said we should go to a baseball game sometime...But I just smile and dont say anything. I hate playing these games!
I sent him a link to the concert..He said didn't I tell you about that last night..I replied..Would you like to go..if he says no oh well...I am sure that would be considered pursuing..but I really want to go.
SO THEN GO WITHOUT HIM. You can ask him to do things, but you have to make it clear I WILL STILL GO WITHOUT YOU. I’M NOT GOING TO GO WITH YOU, I’M GOING BECAUSE I WANT TO AND H, YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF MY LIFE.
Really Swimming….you’re going to drown here. You are doing NOTHING for you because YOU want to. You do everything hoping for a positive reaction from him. His behavior is predictable and childish, but yet you stress out about it. He will be nice, then mean. When he’s nice you’re on top of the world, when he’s mean you’re stressed. Go back and read all of your posts…..did you REALLY not see this crap coming, this mean week? I did and
I don’t live with you.
If you’re sick of the game, stop playing it. If you want him to come out of the basement and put his ring back on MAKE CHANGES IN YOU AND STOP LOOKING AT HIM!.
Here’s an analogy for you….I do well with analogy to help me better understand crap.
You are sitting in front of your mirror. You want to look super good for your day with H. So you start to put on your make up. H walks in. You stare at him as you are putting on your make up, hoping to see a positive reaction on his face….one that shows he likes your makeup, they way you look.
Well at first he smiles. This pleases you. You continue to put on your make up. You’ve got on your base and powder and before you start to put make up on your eyes, you look at him. He’s not smiling as big. Uh-oh.
You hurry and start to work on your eyes, you look at him, one eye done, he’s REALLY not smiling now….so instead of thinking ‘screw him, this is my face and I have to show it to the world and I like my make up’ you continue to stare at him and not what you should be concentrating on…..YOU.
So you continue this futile effort of putting on your face, and you continue to stare at him hoping he’ll smile and be pleased and nice to you and all the while, you continue to make yourself look like a crazy ass clown, which in turn horrifies your H. And now he REALLY does NOT want to be around you. Which is understandable, you look crazy. Literally, all this concentration on trying to get him to react positively to you, you made yourself look like Bozo the Clown, which hey, let’s face it, isn’t sexy.
Now imagine it this way.
H comes in to watch you put on your make up. Hell, your kid is there too. You ignore them both. This is your time. This is for you. You concentrate on you. You apply your make up exactly as YOU like it and no one else because after all, it’s your face. When you’re done, you are PERFECT, just the way you like it. And guess what? You are looking pretty damn good, and H notices. You see a small smile as he turns to leave the room. All you need to think is “Hmph. Glad he likes it, but more importantly, I love it.”
Do you get this? Do you understand?
You will never change him directly. You can only change him indirectly. And that starts with you. Read my thread later. I hope this helps you.
Great advice Stronger! Love the analogy..my dad loves to speak in analogys..or give advice rather.
The problem is I cannot let go. I am afraid if I let go he will be gone for good. I just do not feel I am good enough for him.
I have had him on a pedastool for so long.
He did not answer my email today about the concert..how very immature..See your H is mature..you can have mature conversations together..my H..well he thinks he is not even my H anymore and does not even refer to me as his W.
He is like a 16 year old. I just do not think that he cares if I am gone or not..I think he cares about the kids but as far as I am concerned he could care less. To him..I am just a P.O.S and a joke and that is what I really think he thinks..I am not being dramatic here..that is why I feel my efforts do not matter.
He could care less if another man came into my life..heck he said it himself he would introduce me to someone if he could
Last edited by swimmingupstream; 09/24/0911:19 PM.
I am sitting here smiling. My H said the same crap to me. The EXACT same crap. But we're still in it.
Back off. That's all you can do. Let him see life without you. Because at this point he thinks he knows what life is like with you. Show him life without you.
You really can't hang on like you think you are right now. The harder you squeeze, the more he wants out.
So we have been ML alot lately and H said last night we are married W so I do not understand how you can walk around this house and not talk to me about what is going on. He was very drunk keep in mind. His actions are not matching his words, we ML today and last night and slept on the floor together. It is so strange. I just do not get it and I do not get his moods. We went to the concert together. I had so much fun! He said last night to me that the concert was not fun at all and I said I am sorry you did not have fun because I had a blast. He questioned my changes and my upbeat moods. I told him I do not want to talk about R and he said then just ignore what is going on and am I supposed to believe you made a complete 180..10 years of this and this is how you are now. He brings up the past constantly and I told him I am not going to live in the past and he said how can you not? I said I cannot change the way I used to be, I said I am happy right now. I said you are responsible for your own happiness and I am responsible for mine. I just am so confused. He did not mention Divorce once but then again I would not give him an opportunity. I think he is depressed or having a MLC..Who knows??? but I told him that I am prepared to live without him if I have to. I said right now I support you and I am here for you but I am not going to walk around being unhappy all the time. He said I am being fake..continues to tell me that..only this time..this time I am finally becoming who I was..10 years ago. I dont think he loves me anymore. I really dont.
