PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

[aflowergurlie]

Well, what can I say? Up until this point I have not had any confirmation of the H's OW other than him telling me that he is "talking" to someone else. Which of course I didn't believe it was "just talking". I have chosen not to look at cell phone records, bank accounts, or do anything to confirm the EA/PA. Unfortunately, tonight I came across some garbage of a rechargeable battery pack. Those are only used for cameras. My H never had a camera before. I went to his room and there lying on top of one of his chests was a camera case. Before I could even tell myself to stop, that I would have to deal with the consequences of seeing what was on there burned in my brain, I was opening the case and started looking at the pics. Sure enough, there she was, with him in these pics. I had never had a face or name to her and now the picture of her is burned into my brain. I want to scream, cry and tear this house apart. The worst part about it is that H is going to be home here soon and he is supposed to be taking me to hospital tomorrow as I have to have surgery. He said he wanted to do this for me and now I don't know how in the world I am going to be able to put my game face back on and let him do this for me tomorrow, plus facing surgery for me was already feeling daunting. What am I supposed to do??? How do I handle this?

[KiwiMan]

Its probably no conselation, but I am at the stage of whether to look for it or to leave it alone (Evidence of affair that is). Thats the hard part. But in your case, I would still not confront him about it. Because regardless of the evidence you have found... the minute you query him on it.. he will put up the defensive or get angry... because you looked through his camera which will push him even further away.

You could approach it differently and say something like, "oh, you have a new camera Can I have a look?" And see what his response is. That way you are putting it on him to think of excuses.

Also, I guess it depends what is happening in the photos you have found?

I guess you have to think what the outcome would be whether you confront him or not.

Take time to settle down and look at the bigger picture and what will benefit your position the most first.

[aflowergurlie]

Thank you so much for some input/feedback. My MIL told me to calm down and put my game face back on too. Do NOT address this tonight, put it off until another time, if even then. I am just trying to come down off of my emotions running amuck right now.

The pics are of them and their faces together - and pics of the OW by herself and places they have been. Nothing graphic.

I think I have made progress as of recently and my reacting to it and confronting him about it right now would just do exactly what you are saying, push him back away.

I think I need to go for a run or bike ride though to clear my head - work out some of this emotion - soooo overwhelming!

For you - Just my opinion, but I would not venture to dig too deep in looking for evidence. I got caught up in that many years ago and it consumed me. I have felt so much better and more in control of myself throughout this ordeal in knowing that I have not done any of that.

Everything in my body is saying F-this, F-you, I am outta here! I have had enough and I deserve soooo much better than this!!!! Trying to fight it with everything in my being right now.

[Tomato]

aflowergurlie

I just happened on by here to read the beginning of your thread. In doing so it reminded me of my darling W having found out that I had created a yahoo personals profile about 4 years ago. That discovery caused her to presume the absolute worst. Up until that point she held me in such high regard almost like having me on a pedestal of sorts. I made the major mistake of creating the profile and looking for companionship on there after my darling had threatened to leave and divorce me on more than one ocassion. And then she did in fact become a WAW before I created that profile. In any case I had not ever met with any of the few women that i had made online contact with and I certainly was not the man whore that she accused me of being. Needless to say it was a tragic Xmas of '06.

Ted

[Tomato]

i hope that your vigorous excercise will help you to get back to having that game-face. It is definetely good for clearing the mind.

Ted

[Buttercup37]

Exercise is a great idea to clear your mind! (Think I'll start some this weekend too.) You are so right to not let your emotions push you into any confrontation with H. Clear your head and think about what your goals are in this situation. Is it really time to give up on him and move on? If not yet then bringing this up at this point would not be helpful to your goals.

So sorry that he left that camera lying around. If I found something like that, it'd be hard for me to not look at it too.

[aflowergurlie]

Tomato - Thanks for sharing a little of your experience. Yes, the exercise always helps - i wasn't able to to do that, but did go get a spray tan and talked on the phone with SisIL for a while, helped get me back on track.

BC - I am really appreciating you being on the boards for sure. That's the biggest question I am asking myself right now "Is it time to give up and move on?" I'm not sure of the answer yet still - even though earlier I was ready to tell him that I was done and he would now be out of my life forever. For me to not have reacted to what I found is a huge, personal 180 for me. It's actually a continuation because these pics confirmed that she had been in my house one time about 2 months or so ago. I found a few hairs on the bathroom floor after I had been gone for the morning. And I almost reacted then by confronting him with what I found back then. Instead, I talked myself down from it and chose not to. I did keep them in a plastic baggie for a little bit of time but then threw it away. Another personal victory that I DO have the power to not react to this bulls***.

I don't understand why in the world he wants to go with me tomorrow, to be with me at the hospital and then all of this other recent time spent with me as of late? What is he trying to prove, that he is some good person now who can be there for the person he longer wants as his wife? Has he told OW about all this? I wish my head would stop and take a break from it all.

My MIL and SisIL think he just sees me as a buddy/friend/pal now to use when no one else is around/available. I don't know, I'm not getting that vibe totally, but maybe they are right on the money and my assessment is just clouded. All I know is that, and this is gonna sound like the victim card which I hate and don't want to play, but I'm really, really, really tired of hurting and being hurt.

P.S. I could have won an Oscar for my performance tonight when he got home. My game-face appeared even happier than when he left. He also came and knocked on the door and asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. ???????

[aflowergurlie]

So more confusion and craziness since my last post of my discovery on Thursday evening.

Friday - Get up to go to hospital for my surgery. Have to be there by 7am and we are 20 mins away. I go out of my room at 6:35 to H's room and lights are turned off. Knock on door and H wakes up "Yeah". I say "Um we have to leave". He sounds frantic says "OMG, I overslept, I'll be ready in 10 mins." So right away my head starts spinning into thinking I can't believe this. It's like I am sooo not a priority or important to him at all anymore. He can wake himself up at 5:30 every morning to make it to the gym, but not wake up on time for this, for me. Old me would have been pissed off and made sure he knew I wasn't happy about him making me even more nervous with being late. New me let it roll off my back and enjoy the ride to the hospital, not saying a word and keeping my irritation to myself.

Got to hospital at 7:15. Everything was fine. I got checked in and put in pre-op waiting area. He came in to sit with me. We chatted and laughed and joked. Then he says to me "By the way, I bought a camera a couple of weeks ago. I figured I had never had one before and everytime I go out with my brother, we never have any pictures, so I thought it would come in handy for that. I don't even really know how to use it yet. It came as a bundled package with a small flexible tripod and a couple of memory cards. And I bought some rechargeable batteries for it as well. I've only taken like 3 pictures on it so far. I don't know how to upload them onto the computer yet either." I just replied with happy face "Oh really, wow, that's nice - I'm sure you'll do just fine with the uploading, it's usually very simple." Also took note that a) There were like 10-12 pics taken and b) Not one included his brother. A few mins later we had a "moment" where he just locked eyes on me and had this facial expression that was screaming "I miss you" so I looked back for a min and then just smiled and looked away before the tears started. He walked down the hallway by my bed as they rolled me into surgery - no kiss, no hug, just a Bye from him.

When I came to in the recovery area, I can't believe what happened, tears just started streaming down my face and I couldn't stop them. I told the recovery nurse I was so sorry I couldn't stop crying, she just reassured me that people can react differently to the medication and anesthesia and that it was ok. I just briefly told her that I was going through a very hard time and that my husband and I are going through a divorce. She said she could understand and that I must have a lot of pent up emotion inside that was coming out. I agreed. She asked if I was ready to have him come in with me yet and I just said no, not yet as I was trying to muster all the strength I could to put my game face back on. I finally got a grasp and they brought me in my bed to the discharge area and called for him to come then. H came in and sat next to my bed, was very sweet and attentive. Even called me Baby at one point which he hasn't done since I can't remember. I did get more emotional with tears and just apologized to him that I thought I was just having a hard time from the medication.

On way home, I still couldn't stop from crying and remember saying at one point "I know this is a dumb request, but could you just hold my hand, I just feel so sick." He just said sure and started holding my hand and started rubbing it a little just like old times, but then stopped rubbing it kinda abruptly like he remembered oh yeah, can't do that anymore, but still held onto my hand for a while.

After he got me into bed when I got home, he made me a little food and drink and was getting ready to leave for work (my mom was coming to stay for the afternoon/evening until he got home later). Before he left he took his hand and brushed my hair aside and kissed me on the cheek and then looked at me and then kissed me on the forehead and said bye.

Later in the evening, my mom had left and he was here in the house. I was still in my bed in my room with the door wide open. He comes in room and tells me that he wouldn't be going anywhere this weekend. Then he showered and was in his pj's. Comes in my room with drink and food in hand and asks if he can come and watch tv in bed with me. I said sure. Next thing I know, he is out turning off all the lights in rest of house and has his pillows with him and then comes and gets comfy in what used to be his spot in bed. So we start watching TV. Then he pauses TV and looks at me and says "There's been something that's buggin me that I want to talk to you about." So I just looked at him and said Ok?
H - "Well, right now's not the right time to talk about it I guess."
Me - "It's ok, just spit it out."
H - "But I don't want to make you cry or get upset."
Me - "I can handle it, just say what you need to say if something's bugging you."
H - "Well, it's like the other week, when I asked you about having other people over to the house and then you said what you said, when we got home I thought you would be pissed, but you weren't and you came and sat on the couch and watched tv with me. And I just don't understand and I'm just wondering what you are thinking as far as where things are at right now."
Me - "Well, I just can't live in anger and as far as I know things are still where they were - with me trying to find a job so I can support myself and move out on my own, which is what you want, have requested, and I have to do now."
H - "There are just so many things now that I want your opinion on and want to talk to you about. But I know it's not appropriate to talk to you about them. But when I think in my head of who I want to talk to about this stuff, it's only you that I want to talk to, because I always have and still value your opinion."
Me - "You mean about your situation with you and the person you're seeing?"
H - "Yes, I've met someone else, yes there's interest there, but I'm at a point where I'm not sure if I want to extend myself any further."
Me - "Well, you could keep choosing to pursue it or you can choose not to, it could go either way. I'm happy to see that you are having fun and enjoying things in life, that you are working out and feeling good about yourself and building self-confidence. Those are all super positive things and make me happy for you."
H - "I just feel like I'm at a crossroads right now. I'm fearful."
Me - "Fearful of what?"
H - "That it'll all just end up crashing and burning again. We tried so hard for so long, for so many times and then it just all came crashing down in the end. I'm just afraid that's going to happen again. That's why I just wish you could meet her."
Me - (Long pause and deep breath, without tears) "I think that you need to trust yourself and your instincts to help you find your way and figure things out."
H - "I just want you to know that I am taking all the positive and good things from our relationship with me. We had a lot of fun trips and good times together. Bad times too, but I want to remember the good and take that with me. And I want to still have a good friendship with you and stay in contact." [Many months ago he said almost the same thing but it was mostly negative, like we had a lot of bad times and there were only a couple of good things that he remembered. So this was a switch. Also, in our R discussions, his wording on our status has gone now from "a legal piece of paper, to roommates, to friends, to now good frienship."]
H - Then just looks at me for a minute, then leans over and kisses me on the cheek, then kisses me on the forehead again.

We start watching TV again. H falls asleep. I gently nudge him and tell him he can go to bed and I can save the TV show and he can watch another time. He asks me if it's ok if he sleeps in bed with me. I said I don't care, that's fine. He put a little roll pillow in between us and went back to sleep.

This morning he got up and went out in living room, put a movie in and told me I could come watch movie with him. So I did. Then H says he's going into work for the day. Goes to kitchen to make himself food before he leaves and then says "No, I think I will just go into work tomorrow." Stays home for the day with me watching movies. H texted a few times throughout day and went to bedroom with closed door for a phone call.

Then, this evening, I'm getting ready to go take shower and H says after your shower I want to ask you something. I sit down and say you can ask me now, i don't mind.
H - "No, I don't want to ask, nevermind, it's just redundant."
Me - "Just go ahead and ask me."
H - "Again, I just want to talk to you about things that I shouldn't talk to you about."
Me - "What do you think would be accomplished by talking to me about this stuff?"
H - "I don't know."
Me - "I just can't go there."
H - "Can't go where?"
Me - Deep breath "I have been handling the situation as it is. I'm accepting it because I have no control or power over it and I've learned how to come to terms with it."
H - "But you just don't want to SEE it?"
Me - "Exactly. Can't you understand that just the mental images alone that would fill my head would be enough to make me go crazy?"
H - "Well, just so you know, I wouldn't flaunt it in front of you."
Me - "That doesn't matter at all. It would still be all there in front of my face and I can't do that because....
H - "Because why?"
Me - "Because there's a huge part of me that still doesn't want it to be like this, that doesn't want this to happen, and..."
H - "and... say it, go on"
Me - tears rolling down face "I didn't want to get emotional and I've probably already said too much."
H - "Get emotional if you have to... just say it."
Me - Long pause with tears and choked up voice "I still want you to be with me, not with someone else."
H - "There, was that so hard to say."
Then I got up to walk to kitchen. And H started to say something like "That's why I still.." but didn't finish and I didn't ask him to finish. I just went in and took my shower.

After shower, asked H to take washcloth and try to rub off the permanent marker drawings from my surgery on my back. He did and while doing stood very close behind me. Then laughed and I asked why he was laughing. He said "I almost just reached around and grabbed your boob. I guess old habit." I just playfully laughed back.

Later in kitchen -
Me - "I just want you to know that I appreciate your patience and understanding with our situation with my still being here and I really didn't think it would take this long for me to find a new job."
H - "It's ok. I'm not going to get mad and angry about it. I know that your looking and it is what it is right now. Just trying to make the best of it."
Me - "I hate feeling like I'm holding you back from being completely free." In my head I'm thinking - wth do you have to be angry about?? You're the one who wants me to leave and has done all this!
H - "You mean free so that I can have whoever I want over here whenever I want."
Me - "Yeah, and like you're still having to support me and have me here."
H - "It's ok, again I'm not gonna get mad about it. I could be a jerk and force the issue and just do what I want, but I'm not going to. Also this, is probably going to sound really negative against you but I really haven't had any drive or desire to act out anymore (meaning porn/escorts). And I was really thinking about it and I think it was because there was so much animosity and mistrust in our relationship that it was the only thing that I felt I had power and control over in my life, so that's what I turned to. Right now, I have felt a sense of relief, a difference."
Me - I just smiled and said "Well that's great to hear, I'm glad for you then." While inside I'm thinking "Ok, that's why you were sober for almost the last two years and then you went down this road again - OK, whatever you say.

Rest of evening, we just stayed in living room watched TV & movies and slept on our separate sides of the couch.

I am so flipping confused right now and don't know what to make of all this. Has there been progress? Last week when I went back and looked at my goals list to see if there was progress being made - he had asked me to go the gym, go to the pool, go to the grocery store, and had started texting me and called me a couple of times too - which were all specifically on my list.

Or does he just want my approval/acceptance/blessing on his new R? If so, why would that matter to him? Why does he want to talk to me about the OW and have me meet her? Is it just so that he can start having her come over here because I haven't been able to move out/get out of the way yet?

Am I doing the right thing by continuing to proceed with his plan of action on our separation - I find a job to support myself to be able to move out and find my own place as he has asked me to do because he pays for everything here and can afford to keep our place by himself?

Advice, comments, feedback PLEASE!!!

[givingitmyall]

Wow. I hope your surgery went well. And sorry you find yourself here.

Or does he just want my approval/acceptance/blessing on his new R? If so, why would that matter to him? Why does he want to talk to me about the OW and have me meet her?

I suspect it's guilt. He sounds like he still cares for you (but I haven't read any or your other threads, so I don't know your complete sitch). He sounds confused to a point, and that's good.

Am I doing the right thing by continuing to proceed with his plan of action on our separation - I find a job to support myself to be able to move out and find my own place as he has asked me to do because he pays for everything here and can afford to keep our place by himself?

What choice do you have? You have no control over what he wants to do. All you can do is work on yourself. Get/stay busy GAL'ing - I know that's hard/impossible after recovering from surgery.

Here's a list of do's and dont's Sandi (another poster) I copied early on:

WAW Do’s/Don’t’s
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[aflowergurlie]

Hi GIMA! - I have previously read quite a bit on your sitch and some of your posts due to your having a similiar sitch with separate bedrooms, still living in same house. I really appreciate your input.

I had a softball size benign tumor on the back of my left shoulder that had to be taken out. I am doing well though, recovering and recouping.

I really hadn't considered the guilt factor. My mind was going to all sorts of other places. Does he just want to get a reaction from me = jealousy/anger? Does he just want to show the OW that he doesn't have romantic feelings/attraction for me anymore and she can rest easy that we are just "friends" now and I am no competition for her = she is younger, hotter, better body, etc.? Ugh...all these crazy thoughts that I still woke up with this morning. But while I made breakfast this a.m. I decided to put it to bed along with all the other crazy days/weeks I've had to go through, just put it to rest with all of them and do exactly what you suggested. Continue on with my GALing.

I love that list and have been living religiously by it. Just have to keep on keeping on.